EUDOXIA: A MUSICAL JOURNEY THROUGH LIGHT AND DARKNESS
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(disclaimer: This isn't exactly what you'd call a "press review." This is just an honest and in-dept...(disclaimer: This isn't exactly what you'd call a "press review." This is just an honest and in-depth review from a co-musician. And mind you, there are no biases here.)
Listening to Eudoxia’s self-entitled album was like taking a peek into someone’s memoir. There were moments while listening to the CD when I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Am I really allowed to listen to these songs?” This is how personal, raw, powerful, and disarming this collection of songs is.
The album kicks things off with a song called “Happy Doll.” As Eudoxia explains it herself in her introduction, “Happy Doll” is about a porcelain goth doll who is not like any other goth doll because it is happy. The keyboards start off slow like that of a music box and slowly build up into a playful childlike romp. One can also hear elements of classical music which add to the song’s gothic feel, especially at the end of each chorus when the artist screams, “Happy Doll!” Although the story of the song is basically about a happy doll, if you listen closely to the words you will find out that it is much richer than that. It is a story filled with different elements of light and darkness, a theme that can be seen all throughout the album. This theme can be felt especially when Eudoxia sings, “Nobody better touch this toy/ You might just disturb its joy.” Apparently, it is a doll that would remain happy only if it is untouched, but the irony of it all (which Eudoxia skillfully weaves) is that its beauty attracts the children to play with it.
The second song, “Tiger,” is one of my favorites in the whole album. In her introduction for the song, Eudoxia relates how the song “came out of nowhere.” I think it is partly this feeling of spontaneity that makes this song very appealing. “Tiger” is short, sweet, and simple. The singer/narrator simply describes a tiger who has to hunt for food to survive. What makes this song so beautiful, however, is when the singer/narrator starts comparing herself to the tiger. This is best depicted in the lines, “Like the tiger we look for ways to survive/ Like the tiger we protect those who we love.” Very simple, but very true. Again, like “Happy Doll” the song has a playful charm to it. One can actually imagine this song being sung to kids. Also, just like the first song, “Tiger” plays with elements of light and darkness. This can clearly be seen in the lines, “We have many colors too/ Orange signifies too much/ But the black is very clear/ Black for darkness beautiful.”
After the playfulness of the first two songs, the album delves into darker and heavier themes. At first listen, “Hollow Night” conjures up images of darkness, moonlight, and vampires. One can almost imagine being part of some ancient ritual where spells and sacrifices are offered under the light of the full moon. Upon listening closely, however, we can see that the theme of “Hollow Night” is a lot more personal than that. For me, “Hollow Night” depicts a struggle. It is a struggle of someone enshrouded by darkness, pain, and despair. In the midst of being enshrouded by the dark, this person appeals to the moon and the stars to shine their light and give her the strength to conquer this seemingly endless vicious cycle. The feeling that you get after listening to this song is a lot heavier than the previous songs, but again the theme of struggle between light and darkness is present, if not crystallized here. The keyboards are simply haunting and hypnotizing.
The next song is “Fallen Star.” Again, Eudoxia skillfully creates a world of irony. As she describes in her introduction to the song, “(Stars) for me signify light in the dark and hope amidst the storm, but in this song it is not like that at all. It is about a fallen star…and (the feeling of) being in a black hole that’s covered up so you can’t get out at all.” “Fallen Star” starts off with catchy chant-like singing which suddenly turns into rap, then falls back into the chant-like singing again before it explodes into screams of anguish and despair. Although it is at times difficult to understand what the singer is saying, especially when she raps, this song captures the feeling of a soul enduring seemingly endless torture. It is definitely cathartic, poignant, and moving. No wonder why it has become a favorite among Eudoxia’s listeners.
The next song, “In an Empty Space,” starts off with hypnotic keyboards similar to many of the songs of Eudoxia but this time it conveys a feeling of restlessness. (I don’t know if this is because of the way that it is played or because of the lyrics.) In her introduction, Eudoxia invites you to imagine the feeling of being in an empty room, “with only a chair, a table, and one window.” This is exactly the feeling that the song conveys. When I was listening to the song for the first time I remember feeling very restless. It’s as if I felt like I wanted to go somewhere or I wanted to say something but I couldn’t move or talk. It is ironic that while I was feeling this way, Eudoxia was singing, “The clutches of apathy dawn on me.” Not only is this song moving, it also gives you an insight about being in the state of helplessness and restlessness that lead to apathy.
Before Eudoxia launches into the next song entitled “Tragedy,” she gives a brief background of the songs that have just been played. Here she courageously reveals a big part of herself. She says that the 3 previous songs are actually about her struggle with depression and that her songs are her way of expressing her struggle and venting out all her “stress, anxiety, and despair.” Again, the experience of peeking into someone’s memoirs is felt. Again, you feel like asking yourself, “Am I really allowed to listen to these songs?” At least this is what I felt. I guess it is only natural to feel a certain awkwardness when someone reveals to you a “secret” or when someone shares with you a very personal, sensitive, and vulnerable side of her. But after this initial feeling of awkwardness I realized that “yes,” I am allowed to listen to these songs. In fact, I felt privileged that this artist and friend of mine has allowed me to get a glimpse of her struggles and journey with a very confounding illness through her beautiful songs. I also suspect that although it can be very scary to reveal one’s self this much, it also makes Eudoxia feel good that people listen, really listen to her songs, and hear what it has to say about the nature of her struggles and about herself. With that said let us move on to the next song…
I consider myself lucky to have been able to collaborate with Eudoxia for the song “Tragedy.” This song actually started out as a riff that I had on the guitar. I didn’t have any lyrics for the song so I decided to bring it to one of our jamming sessions and see if she could think up of some lyrics. I remember that the first time I played the riff for her she instantly came up with the words. We ended up having a very long song, but more or less, many of the lines for the lyrics and the basic theme of the song were there. As Eudoxia warns her listeners before the song, “You better brace yourself because the next song…is about all the people in the world, all their suffering and pain, which is even more burdensome to listen to for a song.” Indeed, the song really leaves you with a very heavy feeling and I do suggest the listeners to be “in the mood” to go through that for them to really appreciate the song. Personally, I think that this song is not only about all the suffering in the world but also about a person with that precious but often burdensome gift called empathy. Although taken to the extreme, I think that the persona in the song is actually someone not too far from us. She is someone who feels the angst and the helplessness of being in a world that is full of suffering and hate, something that perhaps all of us have felt at one time or another. By the way, another thing that adds to the mood of the song is the melancholy sound of Eudoxia’s flute heard in between verses.
“She Bleeds,” the next song in the album, tells a story of a battered woman. Here, Eudoxia shows us her keen eye for detail with lines such as, “She walks down the street at night/ With thin slippers on her feet/ And the wind blowing against her pale face,” and “Rose-colored tints fading away/ Blood trickling down the skin/ Black skies replacing heavens of blue/ Tumbling down.” She narrates the story and the suffering so vividly that you can almost imagine a woman trying desperately to escape from a seemingly nameless and faceless attacker. The keyboards also go along with what the character is doing; you can almost feel the wind blowing wildly as the woman in the story tumbles and falls to the ground. For these reasons, I have to say that this song is also one of my personal favorites.
The next song, “Cut,” depicts the struggle between light and darkness metaphorically and literally through the act of cutting one’s wrist. Again, Eudoxia reveals something very personal about herself by admitting that the song is autobiographical. In the song, Eudoxia shows the difficulty of trying to kick this terrible habit. The chorus lines, “Blood on the skin/ A shameless sin/ The blade is a friend/ In times like these where troubles have no end,” describe the emotional turmoil felt by the wrist-cutter as she tries to struggle with the urge. The song ends with a confession and a prayer as she sings, “I know I like the darkness/ But light, please come to save me from it!”
Before Eudoxia proceeds with her last 3 songs, she explains to the listener that we are now at the “brighter side” of the album. By this she doesn’t mean that the next 3 songs are happy and light; in fact, the next songs still convey a feeling of heaviness. Rather, she means that the next 3 songs show glimmers of hope despite the darkness that surrounds the characters of her story.
“Path to Glory” has that similar catchiness that can be seen in “Fallen Star” except that instead of exploding into screams of anguish and despair, the chorus evokes the feeling of weariness, but not without the glimmer of hope, of “finding glory.” Or in this case, finally seeing the day wherein the persona would have overcome her struggle with the darkness. This glimmer of hope is expressed well in the chorus when she confidently sings, “It won’t be long now/ ‘Til I find my glory/ Behind the pained scowls/ And the tragic story.” At the last part of the song you can also feel a sense of hope as the keyboards are allowed to indulge itself in being more playful, reminiscent of songs like “Happy Doll” and “Tiger.”
“Don’t Take Your Life” is a gripping and haunting song about Eudoxia’s first-hand experience with suicide. It starts off with keyboards that capture the sound of the blaring ambulance sirens that the narrator talks about. Personally, when I hear this song I can imagine the persona talking to herself while she is being rushed to the hospital. This voice inside the persona’s head seems to be expressing her own mixed emotions about what has happened. At times it is a voice of anger and frustration and at times it is a consoling voice telling the persona, “Don’t you worry/ Life is gonna be okay/ Don’t you say sorry/ Guilt’s not to come this way.” The song seems to intentionally drag as if to allow the persona some time to contemplate and think about what she has done. The slowness of the song also allows the listener to take in each and every word, especially at the end when the voice emphasizes its final message, “Passion runs dry sometimes, I know/ But with reason or no reason/ Life is precious.” Again, here is another powerful song (and one of my favorites) not only because of what it talks about, but also because of its directness and boldness in conveying a very important message, that life IS precious.
The official final song of the album is “Life Unfair.” Similarly, Eudoxia explains how she imagined two people talking to each other when she created this song- one person tries to comfort the other. What makes this song so unique is its minimal approach. You don’t hear any keyboards or guitars in the background, just Eudoxia’s voice and Eudoxia tapping on her guitar. This only helps to emphasize the importance of the words of the song. The chorus in particular is good, sober advice on how to handle the darkness that the other persona is feeling- “Cry, run, trip, fall/ Sort out this feeling of despair/ Weep, scream, drop, crawl/ Please calm down now even though life's not fair.” Finally, in the bridge we find again the glimmer of hope when the persona sings, “But please feel better/ The darkness won’t last forever.” Indeed, this song is a fitting end for the album. You’re left with a feeling that the struggle and the journey are far from over. However, it is different from when the journey started because now, the persona, or to be more direct, Eudoxia, is armed with something that may be the key to overcoming her struggle with depression. She has found hope.
You may have noticed that I said that “Life Unfair” is “officially” the last song of the album. This is because it is not actually the last song since there is a bonus track of Eudoxia doing her rendition of a song by a local goth rock band. However, I think it is best to keep quiet about it so as not to ruin the surprise. Let me just say one thing about her rendition- I think that she has truly made it sound as if it were her own song.
Before I end my review of the album, I would just like to say some final words. First of all, like I said at the beginning of this review, what we have here is a collection of very personal, raw, and powerful songs. I think that we are privileged to have been allowed a glimpse of Eudoxia’s “memoir.” Through these songs, Eudoxia takes us along with her in her journey and struggle through light and darkness and search for hope. All we have to do is to listen, really LISTEN. Secondly, the album, like any other album, is not without its flaws. Part of its rawness is in the way that it was recorded. I believe that Eudoxia recorded this at home with minimal equipment. Its rawness is part of its appeal as an independent album, but I also think that with the help of a good sound engineer and access to a good recording studio, the songs can be further enhanced and improved. Finally, I think that Eudoxia’s songs can truly serve as an inspiration, especially to those who are also battling depression or anyone who has ever struggled with the light and darkness of this world (in short, everyone!). It is also very inspiring to see that through her music, Eudoxia has found a place, a sanctuary, where she can allow herself to express any emotion that she feels without being judged. She has discovered the healing power of music. By sharing her songs with us, she has also shown us how music can help us find hope amidst all the troubles of this world.
-Chris Carandang of Dirty Kitchen
February 26, 2005
To visit Dirty Kitchen's website, go to http://www.datuarellano.com/dk
