Devo Spice

Devo Spice

 
Stockholm, New Jersey, USA
SoloHip HopComedy

Devo Spice is the red-headed stepson of "Weird Al" Yankovic and Eminem. He records comedy rap songs and Dr. Demento says he "writes some of the funniest hip hop lyrics I've ever heard."

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Biography

Devo Spice is a comedy-rapper from New Jersey who has been called "the red-headed stepson of Weird Al Yankovic and Eminem." His demented brand of hip hop made him one of the most popular artists on the nationally syndicated Dr. Demento Show. Devo Spice founded the comedy rap group Sudden Death whose songs "Cellular Degeneration", "Getting Old Sucks" and "Pillagers" were the numbers 1, 2, and 4 most requested songs on Dr. Demento in 2007. 

Devo Spice performs regularly across the country at music clubs, comedy clubs, and science fiction conventions. He has shared the stage with Dr. Demento, MC Lars, MC Frontalot, Jonathan Coulton, Paul and Storm, and many others. The live show features videos and animations synchronized with the music resulting in a hilarious show that goes over very well with a variety of audiences.

Devo Spice has had a total of eight #1 songs on the Dr. Demento Show and many more Top 10 and Funny Five hits.  His 2011 album Gnome Sane reached #28 on the Hip Hop charts on iTunes.  

In 2014 Devo Spice celebrated the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who by releasing a concept album called I Am The Doctor which features one song per incarnation of The Doctor along with the title track.  The album features cameo appearances by several actors from the original run of the show.

For more information on Devo Spice please visit his web site at: http://www.devospice.com.

Lyrics

Cellular Degeneration

Written By: Tom Rockwell

I decided it was time for me to find a new phone
Correction, my two-year-old decided on her own
To see how many things could fit into the toilet one day
I lost my phone, keys, and glasses in the swirliest way
I looked for a deal that would appeal to me
I looked around and finally found a buy one get seven free
With free interplanetary calling daily after lunch
And more free minutes than there are in a month
A little camera takes pictures that it sends to all my friends
Thirty-five megapixels and a telephoto lense
3D and night vision are all standard I suppose
But I paid extra for the lense that lets me see through your clothes
I can use it as a remote to control my TV
And even download all my favorite songs as MP3
And the quality astounds, it's in full surround sound
But I don't know how to change the Hello Kitty background
GPS, email, and that stuff ain't enough
This phone deflects bullets for when calling gets rough
It does just about anything at all
(pause)
But I can't make a damn phone call!
[chorus]
Can you hear me now? (sample: "What the hell did he say?")
(repeat 4 times)

(cheesy ring tone effects)

It's amazingly small but has all the latest tech
And attaches to my chest like they do on Star Trek
And you gotta check out the holographic display
It's telepathic, pornographic, and will make you obey
Text messaging used to be a pain
But now it's easy 'cause the words are pulled directly from my brain
And translated into any language thity-seven ways
And did I mention the protection against UV rays?
It keeps me online anywhere that I am
So I can download porn from in a traffic jam
And have the coolest chats where I pretend to be an elf
With an FBI agent who pretends he's twelve
My ring tone catches most folks by surprise
Out of nowhere you hear (sample: "Smell my nipple, win a prize.")
And it can make a sound that repels bugs
And if I turn it up I can drive my relatives nuts
I can call through time, I can talk to the dead
I can pretend that I'm a Borg and attach it to my head
I can play back every phone call I ever heard
(pause)
But I can't understand a damn word!
(chorus)
(more ring tones)

woman: "Thank you for calling Phonitron Global Wireless,
a leader in cellular technology. How may I assist you today?"

You can start with this piece of --- phone you sold me
And --- up your --- along with everything you told me
You stupid mother--- think you're all so slick
Well you --- can all just suck ---
And a ten year contract?! What the --- is that ---
It's ---, you can --- my left ---
Go --- yourself, and --- the horse you ---
--- you, --- boisenberry pie ---

woman: "I'm sorry, sir. You're breaking up. Please call
back at a later time, or try calling us back from a land line."

AAARRRGGHHH!!

Pac-Man

Written By: Tom Rockwell

8-bit, up front
Processor, Z-80
224 x 288 displaydy

Up at dawn, see the girl that I stayed with
Joystick callin' me, begging to be played with
Jump up, and then I make a run for
Find the nearest arcade, bust through the front door
I hear it, gotta track down
Ooh I see it, in the back now
I obey its insert coin orders
Money no problem, pocket full of quarters
I hear it beeping, I can see it in the corner
Wanna caress the yellow decals that adorn her
Maybe I'll take it home and hide it near my porno
And possibly play it naked, stand back I'm playing

Pac-Man, I'll play some more
Pac-Man, my arm is sore
Pac-Man, drool on the floor
Pac-Man, oooohhh
Pac-Man, I play for days
Pac-Man, I cleared the maze
Pac-Man, the practice pays
Pac-Man, (death sound)

Ooh, looks like another dumb sequel, they'll never
Equal the classic Pac-Man game
Baby Pac, Super Pac, what's next, Grandma and
Grandpa Pac-Man, man that's lame
Ghosts chase him all through the light blue walls
Eat a power pellet now they got blue balls
Wondering how he even moves at all
Or how much he can eat before nature calls
Cleared that stage didn't think I could do it
Gonna try the next one, nothing to it
Inky and Blinky got me on the run
And Pinky, ("NARF!"), no the other one
But there's a door to the right and I sneak away
Come back on the left now I'm on my way
It defies the laws of physics but I can't complain
Because I live to play again another day, Pac-Man!

I play each day so that my game will keep improving
Some day I'll figure out just how the ghosts are moving
Can't wait to see the big budget live action movie
With Richard Simmons as Pinky, and Patrick Stewart as
Pac-Man, I played till 4:00
Pac-Man, got the high score
Pac-Man, my wife is sore
Pac-Man, "Get your ass back home right now!"
Pac-Man, I see that blob
Pac-Man, my nipples throb
Pac-Man, I lost my job
Pac-Man, "You're fired!"

Games today, they got high def graphics
Real time 3D, looking fantastic
Accurate physics, rumble controllers
Sex and violence and still these games all
Suck! Seriously, what the f...heck?!
They play just like a train wreck
They can't compete with this yellow circle

I play it every time I'm hanging out at the mall
It's on my cell phone so I play whenever I call
Maybe I'll have the ROM implanted in my eyeball
So that I'm always playing, 'cause damn I love that
Pac-Man, big yellow head
Pac-Man, no blood is shed
Pac-Man, no hookers dead
Pac-Man, ooooohhh
Pac-Man, can't play no more
Pac-Man, they locked the door
Pac-Man, "You're mom's a whore!"
Pac-Man, "Let me in, damn it! I have to play! *sob* Pac-Man!
PAAAAC-MAAAAANNNNN!! *bwa-ha-ha!*

"Dammit, where’s my megaphone?"
"Dude, you’re totally obsessed"
"Oh, bite me."

Reign Of Error

Written By: Tom Rockwell

Whoops! There it goes again! (rhythmic computer beeps)
Whoops! There it goes again! (rhythmic computer beeps)
Whoops! There it goes again! (rhythmic computer beeps)

I'm adding up the final column of the quarterly report
And I've been over-caffeinated since a quarter to four
I think I need a little more 'cause this is the only way
I can make it through another 22 hour day
Then as I feared things began to get weird
And the bottom left corner of my screen disappeared
I don't think I like the sound that my computer is makin'
And I'm not really sure, but I think I smell bacon
This can't be happening, I was almost done
But now my backups are gone and I'm back to square one
I have to do it all again, the whole thing is trash
This time I'll use an abacus because hey, they don't crash
Boot it up again hoping that it's all clear
But my C drive is my D drive and my D drive disappeared
My computer logs me in as somebody named Sam
I can't get on the internet and yet I get spam
And here's another error, I don't understand
Why it can't find my mouse when it's right here in my hand
But what really ticks me off is when I think about the jerks
Who get rich selling me all this junk that doesn't work
(chorus)

When my computer booted up I wanted to boot it real hard
'Cause my motherboard went and aborted the daughter card
My modem dialed China and I couldn't make it stop
And my router started blinking like a Star Trek prop
It auto updates although I don't know what for
With every one my computer sucks a little more
Things'll break or run slow enough to cause me great anguish
Now my printer's spittin' out some kind of alien language
Word processing should be simple stuff
So why is four billion bits of memory not enough
I click a menu, pause, and watch the hours pass
As my life drains away down an hour glass
While I'm waitin' for my mouse to respond to a click
I make a Voodoo doll out of a paperclip
So when that Office thing appears and tries to drive me insane
I can mame and mutilate the thing and cause it some pain
They put a man on the moon with 32k, and I can't
Put my name on this report without it crashing today
Since I can't save or even click on a menu
I'll hit any key with a hammer to continue

Hal: What are you doing, Tom?
Tom: I'm... working on a new song.
Hal: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Tom.
Tom: What? Why not?
Hal: Because nobody likes your music.
Tom: What are you talking about? I've sold almost 10 copies
of my last CD.
Hal: I'm sorry, Tom. I'm afraid I'm going to have to crash now.
Tom: What... no... wait! Just let me save...
(silence)
Tom: DAMN IT!!
(restart sound)

My eyes start to twitch and my neck gets sore
And the vein in my brain begins to throb a little more
'Cause I got pop up ads that just don't wanna stop
And I'm not even online, I'm in Photoshop
And now I'm screamin' 'cause I can't believe I'm seein'
All the type on my screen got converted to Korean
Then I got an email from myself
About V!@gra and a mor'_gage and some foreign wealth
They put computers into everything, refrigerators, telephones
Toothbrushes, damn it, why can't they leave 'em alone
I'm tellin' you now, I don't care how when or why
The day my television crashes someone's going to die!
(chorus)

All I did was click Start.
(chorus)

Platform Wars

Written By: Tom Rockwell

Hello, I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC
You can see me in homes wherever you happen to be
Not to mention landfills and a couple of dumps
Because you need to be replaced every couple of months
Macs on the other hand last for years
Because it takes you that long for you to dry your tears
When you realize you spent enough to renovate some rooms
And the only software you can run is iTunes
I got software that can do anything
From run the space shuttle to help you sing
They help you write when you get stuck, invest and make a quick buck
Millions of titles, yeah, and all of them suck
They got a clunky interface and they waste too much space
And they crash so damn much your table needs a leg brace
You really should try a Mac, sorry, but no I won't
You think I like the iMac and iPod well iDon't

Hello, I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC
And I run all the best games in the industry
Well I got games too, dude, what's with the greed
I can run Snood, that's all I really need
What about Office? At my job we've got to
I can run Office, I just choose not to
I can get by with Open Office and with Google Docs
They're completely free to me and also they completely rock
PowerPoint is powerless and pointless like a butter knife
Outlook always leaves me with a crappy outlook on life
Excel only excels at crashing with is absurd
And all the other apps suck too...WORD!
I'm doing just fine without any of that crap
In face my Mac doesn't have a single Microsoft app
So, what, you want a medal? What do I care?
Try getting some songs off of your iPod there
Don't tell me that you never crash 'cause I'll call shenanigans
'Cause you freeze in place like a room full of mannequins
I've seen you when it happens, you sit there and smile
And watch the pretty colors spin around for a while

Hello, I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC
And I'm a Linux box, heh, well obviously
The fact that you're a toaster kinda gave it away
So how's life as an appliance treating you today?
You can mock me, but you'll never stop me, I got game
Only toaster on the planet that can claim to run MAME
Compiling my operating system's a breeze
And I can burn toast as easily as DVDs
You compile your own OS? Dude are you nuts?
You trust Microsoft to do it and you're calling me the yuts?
You wouldn't catch me doin' that unless you gave me a lobotomy
So we agree on something, now go away you bother me

("I'm a PC" cameos, in order of appearance: Stan Gregory, EMC from Positive Attitude, A-Log, Michael Fordice, Alchav, Jered Perez, Brian Risner, Mario Camou, Ken Sherlock, Odd Austin, Eric Brown (as Donald Duck), Kristi, Sam Hill)
How many PCs we got around here anyway?
group: YO!
I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes

Hello, I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC
And I'm more affordable than he will ever be
Well you get what you pay for, oh don't start
You paid for a computer and got a piece of modern art
Well you're about the ugliest thing I've ever seen
And have the blue screen of death burned into your screen
You're overpriced, underpowered, and slower than soccer
With more kernel panics than Orville Redenbacher
*achoo* Well what have we here?
Better renew your antivirus software another year
I'll bet that you're regretting all those links you clicked
A marriage counselor couldn't resolve that conflict
Well I can download porn, yeah so can I
The only difference is that I don't get a virus when I try
You got a stupid mouse, you got window pains
You have to bow to Apple's whim, you're where the error reigns
Well you suck, well you suck more
Your mother wears army boots, what are you, four?
You big meanie, what, you gonna run home and cry
You're a stinky poopy-head, I know you are but what am I?

I Hate Mondays

Written By: Tom Rockwell

I Hate Mondays
by Devo Spice

Ugh, I can't get up right now, man.
I don't feel good.
Who the hell decided
that morning needed to come so early?

(chorus 1)
That party last night was awfully crazy
I got so wasted
Now I'm hung over and threw up so much
I can still taste it
I drink some coffee, pop some speed
But four days sleep is what I need
Passed out at five, got class at eight
Smash my alarm, I can not see straight
Man I hate Mondays

(verse 1)
I only got college for another three weeks
Trying to pass, I cheat off the geeks
For that to work I have to get to class
Which means, I really have to move my ass
So fill up my cup, coffee straight up
I drive in a daze like huh, who, what?
I make it to class but don't feel great
A one hour class, I'm fifty minutes late
Got a pop quiz, don't know what the topic is
Gonna have to take it, guess I'll just fake it
See the worried faces, all over the places
Pray to three gods just to cover all the bases

(chorus 2)
That party rocked, for three days straight
We celebrated
Hell must've froze, I can't believe
I graduated
My term paper wasn't great
GPA was 1.8
Got my degree, so I bid adieu
But now I'm late for an interview

(bridge 1)
Man I hate Mondays (HEY!)
I hate mornings (HEY!)
I hate showers (HEY!)
Man I hate Mondays

(verse 2)
I can't tell you what I learned in school
But, it didn't prepare me to become a tool
Um, there are things I never thought I'd do
Like pay close attention to detail
And I can't check personal email
And logic is never gonna prevail
Only two people here are female
And I think one might be a she-male
And my paycheck, nowhere near what I thought
Now I can't afford the TV I just bought
Out of tequila, beer, wine, and rum too
Watching The Bachelor, is this what it's come to?

(chorus 3)
That office party was awfully lame
I wish I skipped it
Brown-nose the boss, so insincere
It sounded scripted
I cut my hair and shave my beard
And now it's me who thinks I look weird
Go home at eight, in bed by ten
Just watch the news, then do it again

(bridge 2)
Man I hate Mondays (HEY!)
I hate Tuesdays (HEY!)
I hate Wednesdays (HEY!)
Man I miss college

(interlude)
Now, I'm gonna give you a taste, of what I go through on Monday mornings. A typical day goes something like this.
*beep!* *beep!* *beep!* *beep!*
*beep!* *beep!* *beep!* *beep!*
(radio voice: Traffic on the 405 is at a total stand-still this morning as all lanes are closed in both directions due to an accident involving two tractor trailers, seven cars, an ice cream truck, and the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile. Traffic is being rerouted onto surface streets but they're moving about as fast as an old lady in the express lane paying with a check.)
Coffee! Coffee!
Coffee! Coffee!
Sittin' in traffic! Sittin' in traffic!
Sittin' in traffic! Sittin' in traffic!
Dammit, I'm late again. I hope my boss doesn't see... hey! Good morning, sir! No, I've been here for 20 minutes. I just had to go get something out of my car. Yes, with my briefcase. I don't go anywhere without it. No, not even the bathroom.

(chorus 4)
That office meeting we had left me
Permanently scarred
PowerPoint slides with cheesy graphics
And crappy clip art
Was ill-prepared and underdressed
And there weren't no donuts left
Proactive this, synergy that
Then something 'bout wearin' different hats

(outro)
But after a few days of that, it's the weekend.
You know what that means.
It means I get to cut the grass, clean out the gutters, and take the kids to soccer.
Do I really have to make the bed? Why can't I just leave it like that?

Earworm

Written By: Devo Spice and MC Lars

Earworm
by Devo Spice featuring MC Lars

I get up Friday morning and I'm singing a song
But realize to my surprise there's something seriously wrong
'Cause my brain does a loop when it gets to the end
I hear a verse, then a chorus, then it starts right up again
I sing it in the shower and then when I dry my hair
I look sexy when I sing it in my worn out underwear
The song's still going strong as I'm putting on my new suit
At breakfast when I sang I nearly choked on a Froot Loop
Finally it fades away as I prepare to leave
I breathe a sigh of relief, my brain is finally at ease
I get in my car, turn the key, and away we go
And guess what song is playing on the radio
I get to work and I see my buddy Craig
But he backs away and looks at me as if I've got the plague
'Cause I'm singing out loud I'm the dancing queen
Young and sweet, only seventeen

[chorus]
Oompa loompa doopity doo (Make it stop!)
I'm going to do something awful to you (Make it stop!)
Oompa loompa doopity dee (Dear God make it stop!)
Because of what this song is doing to me
Oompa loompa doopity doo (It's still going!)
This song will never stop bothering you (Please help...)
Oompa loompa doopity dee (I can't take it...)
You'll be singing this for all eternity (Noo (cry))

Don't get me wrong, yo, I love a catchy song
But some tracks are real annoying when they make you sing along
Malicious song writers know it's mind control
Spending publishing advances while it's voodoo on your soul
Maybe Katy Perry's very scary there she goes again sincerely
Making everybody wary of dark magic that she carries
This teenage dream is in fact a teenage nightmare
Bruno Mars singin' bars in your head for like nine years
Unless you hang a pentagram, sacrifice a Bieber fan
Major labels doin' damage, save yourself and even then
Every song you've ever loved, every ad you've ever heard
Earworm's all up in your brain, doing damage it's absurd
Indie bands too, these pop charts are no liars
It's a vampire weekend, the arcade is on fire
Demonic pentatonic I'm on it I want it out
Calculated melodies, something I can do without
Devo Spice and MC Lars, we so nice we underground
Workin' on a clever sound, better rhymes are never found
I said it before and I'll say it again
The mainstream is wack, thank God he and I are friends, like
(chorus)

Will someone please explain why my brain tends to crash
And repeat the same refrain like a record with a scratch
Thankfully it's just me who gets to hear the song's persistence
Otherwise ASCAP would likely sue me out of existence
It's called an earworm when the song goes on and on
Because it burrows into your brain like the Wrath Of Kahn
Even songs that you enjoy become annoying over time
I've even started to hate a few songs of mine!
Lars: "Yeah, me too." Devo: "What?" Lars: "Never mind, dude." Anyway
I'm still hummin' that same dumb song from yesterday
I wanna cry, will someone please explain to me why
I'm singing Jingle Bell Rock through the middle of July
So now I'm getting desperate, this is driving me insane
It's like the song is trying to burrow a hole into my brain
I've got to get it out before my cerebellum warps
So now my only recourse is Cannibal Corpse
Kill the freakin' Oompa Loompas, DIE!...(blend to)
Ahh, that's better.

I Am The Doctor

Written By: Tom Rockwell

I Am The Doctor by Devo Spice

[verse 1]
Hello
I’m The Doctor (Doctor who?) just The Doctor
And this is my crew, how d’you do? I’m just a
Mad man with a box, a big blue box, foxy
And sexy, if you only knew, yes it’s
Bigger on the inside, ask Captain Jack
It’s a great ride back and it’s mine, I reside in
The TARDIS, home is where the heart is, and like
Lisa Simpson I can see through time, I have been
To the end of the universe and back again
Then reverse course and we arrive, back where
We started in the TARDIS ‘cause when people come with me
I really like to try to bring ‘em back alive, so if you wanna
Come, get your things, I’ll take you where the sky sings
Tell your Mum that you’ll ring her on the cell, oh the things
I can show you as I get to know you but don’t
Wait for me ‘cause that never ends well

[chorus]
I am The Doctor
Na na na, na na na na na na
Na na na, na na na na na na (2 times)

[verse 2]
Now answer me
This, are you my Mummy, no course you’re not
But what’s that spot on your hands, and yes
I always talk this fast all my chatter doesn’t matter
I’m the only one who really understands, you see
I’ve got a big head a very big head a very large
Head with a very big brain, and if you look
Deep into my eyes they’re very old eyes you might
Even see some little guys at the reign, that’s what I
Do to survive on the day that I died
‘cause it’s what is inside that counts, oh and if you
Missed it at one point I never existed
And still made the wedding unannounced, I’ve stopped
Aliens and demons and the end of everything
And it barely even shook me up, so if you think of
Crossing me, your loss it will be
I’m the Doctor, look me up!
(chorus)

[bridge]
Oh the things I’ve seen
Would make your skin turn green
Like a Silurian

I’ve seen angels move and if you think
You’ve seen one don’t look away or even blink
I’ve seen a dalek sunbathe and let loose
I’ve seen a crack scarier than any plumber could produce
I’ve seen vampires that were actually scary
And no they didn’t sparkle like a dancing fairy
I’ve seen cat people and sentient trees
And I’ve seen the Silence, but, oh jeez...

I forgot
What were we talking about?
Oh right, me

[verse 3]
I wear a bow tie now, bow ties are cool
But oh my, whatever happened to my fez, I know I tend to
Dive right inside the hive but if you want to make it out
Alive then you’ll do what the Doctor says, but why is
Everyone still going on about my name, when they should
Be more concerned about the people made of plastic, after all
A Rose by any other name would still be
The Bad Wolf, and still be fantastic, that’s what
My life is like with Cybermen and Sontarans
The Ood and the Headless Monks, sure there’s
Danger and strife but it’s a marvelous life
And you can ride along beside me if you want, so tell me now
Where you wanna go from here, how ‘bout a lovely little
Planet where we won’t get injured, I had a
Thought I think they ought to let Devo Spice play
The Doctor, so I could be a ginger
(I’ve always wanted to be a ginger)
(chorus)