99 Cent Whore

99 Cent Whore

 Los Angeles, California, USA
BandComedyRock

Can't decide if you're in the mood for Tenacious D or Coal Miner's Daughter? You don't have to. Meet the 99 CENT WHORE. If Dolly Parton & Veruca Salt had a love child? She'd be that child. Minus the love. 99 Cent Whore delivers as many punchlines as they do pop-rock hooks. With a twang.

Biography

People often ask how the 99 cent whore came to be. Is she real? Does she really only charge 99 cents? Does she take checks? And was she in fact the bastard child of Loretta Lynn & Tommy Lee Jones? Or of Loretta Lynn and Tommy Lee Jones and Tommy Lee? (Not true. No human life was conceived out of that grossly misconceived three-way). This site exists to help separate fact from friction.

FACT: 99 CENT WHORE IS THE ALTER-EGO OF MARY BIRDSONG (star of Comedy Central's hit show "Reno 911") and features Steve Agee (of The Sarah Silverman Program) on bass, Sam Primero on drums and Mike Ruekberg (The Red Button, Rex Daisy) on guitar. 99CW is equally mesmerizing to audiences at both music shows and comedy shows, and has enjoyed cult-status by appearing at L.A. venues such as the UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE, the Echo, and M Bar, sharing the bill with comedy darling film director Adam McKay and Reno co-star Wendi McClendon-Covey. Birdsong has taken up the rock-comedy gauntlet that has been genetically attached for so long to rock-comic-turned-movie-star Jack Black, and she is hoisting that rock-comic gauntlet as high as her weak little "throws like a girl" arms can lift it.

FRICTION: Legend has it that the 99 Cent Whore was found as a wee orphaned baby in the stock room of a 99 cent store, all alone in this world, by two surly yet lovable delivery guys from the "Stokely's" chili company. Seeing the small babe stuffed in a filthy cat litter box, they tended to her as best they could, keeping her alive on sweet condensed milk and Lady Tiger® Stimulant Capsules they found in the store. It truly took a village (or a retail staff) to raise this precious child. Employees at the store took turns educating her by reading her stories they'd make up from the ingredients on the back of shampoo bottles. By the time she was 13 she already had a 2nd grade reading level and her future looked promising! But tragedy struck when a wandering ne're do well wrangled our little lady into an underground "tween" prostitution ring. Fortunately, our heroine circumvented having to sleep with strange men for money by SINGING INSTEAD! Her gentle lullabies and clunky guitar playing calmed the savages who tried to take her virginity and her innocence. But not being a good business woman, she fucked them anyway (for free), because she said "They seemed lonely." Now years later, much older and no wiser, she's cleaned up her act by getting a legit job-- at the 99 cent store as assistant night manager. You can see her there still... with her price-tag gun in hand, and a mop wherever there is a spill. But after hours, when the front doors are locked and the rest of the staff goes home, the 99 Cent Whore comes alive... back in her "safe place"-- the stock room. It is there that magic happens, and there that she still sings her songs like a mermaid calling to lost sailors. Or... or a whore who just wants to rock out with her cock out. She's fixin to get real good on the guitar so she can become a rock star like on the TEE V, and maybe only work 3 shifts at the 99 cent store. So stop on by the 99 cent store after 4pm from Tuesday to Sunday. And say hey. Say hey to the 99 Cent Whore.

Lyrics

Everybody Wants To F*ck Me

Written By: Mary Birdsong

EVERYBODY WANTS TO FUCK ME RIGHT NOW
©2005 Birdsong/Darling

It doesn’t matter that my songs aren’t great.
It doesn’t matter that I sometimes sing flat.
It doesn’t matter that I don’t know the difference between
a snare drum and …hi-i-igh hat!
‘Cuz… Everybody in this room wants to fuck me right now.

Mm mm mm. Mm mm mm. Mm mm mm. Mm mm mm. Mm mm mm.

Everyone on TV-- they wanna fuck me right now.
Everyone including me. I wanna fuck me right now.

I’m a hot chick singer and I’ll fuck with your mind.
So much that when you fuck your wife you’ll have to fuck her from behind.

Everybody in this room wants to fuck me right now

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo doo doo.

That’s the power of the microphone.
That’s the strength of the guitar. Wouldn’t happen if I played the trombone. Wouldn’t happen with a sitar.

But everybody in this room wants to fuck me right now.
Hey, hey yeah, fuck me right now. Oh, oh oh fuck me right now.

Sweet F'in Goodness

Written By: Mary Birdsong

Sweet F'in Goodness
©2005 Birdsong/Talenfeld

All I got left is sugar and fuckin. Sweetness and suckin.
Ahh.. I got a whole lotta anger in me. And a whole lotta pain. I'm ten percent real juice. Ooh ooh, sweet fuckin goodness. Yeah.

They took away my booze, yes they did. They took away my drugs. They even took away my cigarettes. Pall malls!

They took away my everything. But I got a whole lotta anger in me. Yeah, I had a whole lotta lovers in me. And a whole lotta pain. I'm ten percent real juice. Ooh ooh, Sweet fuckin goodness. Yeah.

Sing it with me now.
Na na na na na na na ahh ahh oh…

I had a whole lotta anger in me. Yeah I had a whole lotta lovers in me. Ooh, ooh Sweet fuckin goodness. Yeah.
Ahh, Sweet sweet fucking goodness. Yeah.

99 Cent Store

Written By: Mary Birdsong

99 Cent Store ©2004 Birdsong/Darling

C’mon C’mon be a big slutty broke ass whore.
Shop @ the 99 Cent Store
C’mon C’mon be a big slutty broke ass whore
Shop at the 99 Cent Store

Get some stuff to mop your floor
Get some Christmas shit to decorate your front door
Maybe get a six pack of Coors. Get a CD of The Doors
Get that video of Meg Ryan and Val Kilmer about The Doors
Get a door!

C’mon C’mon be a big slutty broke ass whore
Shop at the 99 Cent Store
C’mon C’mon be a big slutty broke ass whore
Shop at the 99 Cent Store

Get a can of pork and beans
A baseball hat that’s got the logo of your favorite football team
Get a pair of waist 48-inch jeans (you can be his sexy queen-size queen)
Get some Robitussin for your cough
Get rid of your bug bites with a busted-up can of Off
Come on, get off!

C’mon C’mon be a big slutty broke ass whore
Shop at the 99 Cent Store
C’mon C’mon be a big slutty broke ass whore
Shop at the 99 Cent Store

Get a plastic salad bowl
Get a broke-ass one ply toilet roll
A fridgerator magnet that you almost stole (a magnet for a guy named Joel)
And if its your lucky day
You can find some chips and salsa with an old expiration date
You can find a date!

C’mon C’mon be a big slutty broke ass whore
Shop at the 99 Cent Store
C’mon C’mon be a big slutty broke ass whore
Shop at the 99 Cent Store

Dolly Parton's life was like unto a bargain store and yeah that suits me too. Come inside my little bargain store. See just why they call me, see just why they call me the, feel just why they call me the

99 Cent... oh, don't go away mad baby. How 'bout the 98 Cent Store?

Night School (rough demo)

Written By: Mary Birdsong

NIGHT SCHOOL
I never went to college so I lack that secret knowledge that all the other girls got to explore there
Late night studying, while braiding each other's hair (In French braids)

All those topless tipsy pillow fights
In your best friend's funky dorm room all night long to a Go-Gos song

All those Ivy League girls got an education in
How to be a temporary lesbian
So I'm goin', goin' back to night school then I'll be just as cool

Won't you teach me how to… lick pussy!
Sweet lady, won't you learn me how to… eat beaver!
I'm eager to learn. To learn in night school. Yeah, in night school.

Night school. The night's cool. When you're in night school.

Never got to pledge sororities.
Never felt the face of my best friend between my knees
While her Boom Box played Squeeze.

And just like guys who been to prison
They know what other men are missin.'
That doesn't make you gay. If you're a bottom.
Sex for cigarettes… Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Like those prisoners I want a higher education.
I feel the urge for some sweet matriculation!

You can be my study partner. Come on let's cram.
I'm ready for my oral exam!

Won't you teach me how to… munch carpet!
Sweet mama won't you teach me all about… muff-divin'!
I'm ready to dive in. Let's dive in… to night school.
Dive into night school.

Night school. The night's cool. When you're in night school.

Night school!

Best Girl-Boyfriend

Written By: Mary Birdsong & Mike Ruekberg

BEST GIRL-BOYFRIEND (new lyrics)

I know your heart is breaking and you feel like you can't face the world.
Cuz another guy just dumped you and now he's off humpin' that bible-thumpin' girl.
All the pain he put you through was hard on you but it was harder on me
Girl I gotta tell you when he walked out that door I was happy that you were finally free.

Cuz while you were playin' house, gettin' laid and feelin' pretty
I was home, all alone, cryin' to my kitties! (Yeah, I've got 6 cats!)

I'm so happy he dumped you cuz now I know I got you back again
I'm so happy he broke your heart cuz now we're back together-- me and my best girl-boyfriend.

Let all the guys fantasize that you and me are gettin' it on (but they're wrong).
Look at his wingman. You have to admit that he's got a boy-girlfriend to hang out with.

Weddings and bar mitzvahs have been hell without a date
I was such a lonely skipper without my first mate. (My little buddy.)

I'm so happy he dumped you, now I have somethin' to do on the weekends.
I'm so happy he crushed your soul, so I can put it back together.
You can thank me later, that's my job as your best girl-boyfriend.

(BRIDGE)
Girl it's true you may never fuck again.
But who needs a dick when you've got me as a friend?

GUITAR SOLO INTO PRE-CHORUS SECTION:

(TALKY TALKY PART)
The other day I went to apply for a job at a fancy government office and they give me a form that said "In case of emergency notify ____. And I put your name down on the form. That's pretty fuckin' serious for someone you're not fuckin'. That's a best girl-boyfriend.

PRE-CHORUS
Stop feeling fat and miserable and pining for your ex.
Now let's go dancing, eat ice cream and not have sex!

I'm so glad he cheated on you with that whore, over and over and over again.
I'm so glad that he dumped your ass, (so I could tell you that it doesn't look fat) That's my job as your best girl-boyfriend!

My best girl-boyfriend.

Who cares that you were dumped again? Girl, I am so pumped again!

My best girl-boyfriend, my best girl-boyfriend…

BAR STOOL

Written By: MARY BIRDSONG

BARSTOOL

let the barstool be your babysitter tonight
let the bartender fill your bottle up with mother's milk
and it's bottoms up, things are looking up
(leave a big tip 'cause) the barstool is your babysitter tonight

let the parking lot be your perfect playground tonight
let that chevy truck be your chariot
now go fetch mama her cigarettes
no, i ain't quit yet. your mama's no quitter.
and the parking lot is your perfect playground tonight

and i'll give you quarters to play any song that you want on the jukebox
just say the word if you're thirsty and baby i'll give you a juicebox
mama loves you
and the barstool is…

shhh.

let the pool table be your cozy cradle tonight
let that 8 ball be your teddy bear
i'll sing you to sleep after one more beer
hey just one more one more one more beer

cuz the barstool is your babysitter
and the parking lot is the perfect playground
and you're the best goddamned baby in this town
and the barstool is your babysitter tonight

Discography

IMPORTANT NOTE: For those who care, all 99CW songs exist in both "bleeped" and "unbleeped" formats. They just finished recording their first EP ("SHE'S GOT A SPILL IN AISLE THREE"), and is shooting the music video for their hit song "Night School" just in time for Christmas. The song "Master Engineer" is being played on k94rocks.com.

The EP is currently being mastered, and will be released for review and radio play in December.

The Singles:
Everybody Wants To F*ck Me Right Now
Night School
BGBF (Best Girl-Boyfriend)
99 Cent Store
Sweet F'in Goodness
Life Of Luxury
Master Engineer

Set List

A typical set list is:

99 Cent Store
Night School
BGBF (Best Girl-Boyfriend)
Everybody Wants To F*ck Me Right Now
Sing My Ass Off
Choke On This
Turkey Burger
Sweet F'in Goodness
Life Of Luxury
Master Engineer