Afterbirth Monkey

Afterbirth Monkey

 New York City, New York, USA

You are about to listen to Afterbirth Monkey saying and singing stuff about stuff. If you enjoy listening to stuff about stuff please don't leave.


Afterbirth Monkey is a comedy band based out of Astoria, NY. They derive everything they do from intoxication and magic.

They are the showband on an epic podcast from across the pond known as Absolute Mayhem formerly known as Minutes of Mayhem. Neal Mayhem is now one of their false idols.

They may also know them to play sexy things with a group called the Lemonade Stand Band.

You should exercise caution when crossing the street for tacos at the taco truck while intoxicated because Afterbirth Monkey will be waiting there and you will probably want to do it with them while you wait for your order.


If I Had A Time Machine (Epic Piecast)

Written By: Afterbirth Monkey

If I had a time Machine I would go and collect a bunch of me and take them to my apartment to sex up my boyrfriend. Cause he really likes my tits and I want to give him twenty of them but then I'd probably get jealous and take me all home. Because if I killed myself I'd actually kill myself and that is the definition of a time paradox. Papapa.. Paradox. If I had a time machine I would do so many awesome things like make Betty White fall in love with me but back when Betty White wasn't so wrinkly. Just to be clear I don't want to do it with old ladies. Betty and I we would soon be wed. But then I would divorce her and we would steal all her money. momomo... Alimony! Before we do all that we'll haev to go back in time and find Hitler's mother and give her an abortion. Abababa... Abortion! We would treat her right we would treat her fine. We would take her out and get her drunk on wine and then she would be smitten and take us back to her place. And she'd take us by the hand and lead us up the stairs. Then we'd take her by the shoulders and push her... lovingly into the bedroom. Then we'd grab a hanger... and we'd hang up her dress because we don't want it to get wrinkly. Then we'd lay there in her arms and we'd begin to have secsecsecs... second thoughts! Oh my gosh what were we about to do? no we stick with the plan. We stick with the fucking plan! So then we'd kickkickkick... kick her in the stomach and run! Whew! What do we do now? After we do that we'll go find Betty White and travel to the cretaceous period and ride velociraptors! Veveveve... Velociraptors!

Taco Song

Written By: AfterbirthMonkey

I don't want to go to school.
All I want to do is eat tacos.
Our boss is acting like a tool.
Fuck him lets eat tacos.
Fiscal responsibility is not much fun, so go to your local taqueria.
Mas tacos for everyone!
Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye bueno bueno!
Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye Tacos!
Yummy yummy yummy yummy eat 'em eat 'em!
Yummy yummy yummy yummy tacos!
Yummy tacos!
I don't even want to have sex.
All I want to do is eat tacos!
Wait wait wait... what?
Sex first then eat tacos!
Paying rent and all our bills it really blows.
So if we never give them a dime it means more money for tacos!
Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye bueno bueno!
Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye Tacos!
Yummy yummy yummy yummy eat 'em eat 'em!
Yummy yummy yummy yummy tacos!
Yummy tacos!
When life gets you down don't do drugs just eat tacos.
Cause drugs will fill you and tacos taste better than heroine and meth.
Aye aye aye aye heroine and meth.
In Spanish!
Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye bueno bueno!
Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye Tacos!
Delicioso como como!
Delicioso tacos!
Bueno tacos!

Raining Dicks

Written By: Afterbirth Monkey

Big dicks little dicks. Everywhere it's raining dicks. When we started up a band how ever could we know we'd get a following of horny afterbros? It really was a thing we never did expect but when we play a gig the weiners get erect. Infinite the number of boners that we see. I guess thats just the fate of Afterbirth Monkey but we're really happy cause we fucking rock. Yo what line comes next? We're getting lots of cock. Been around the block we've now made it a science of getting men in states of sexual compliance. Boxer shorts are dropping while we're comic shopping it seems its never stopping all this penis popping. I'll diddle it a little in the middle of the set. You piddle while I fiddle kiddle now the stage is wet. Its like that yall Its like that yall. They want to do us in the bathroom stall. Its raining dicks so many dicks. Here a dick there a dick everywhere its raining dicks. What up AM? Forget them other fellas theres a storm a coming I hope you brought your umbrellas. Singing in dick rain. Ooo your so hardcore you monkey fuckers think that you can hang with the darklord? Two red eyes no heart yeh I'm plenty sick with twenty dicks thats right I got twenty dicks. Five in my pants five in my hand I'mma use 'em. Ten pink dreads on my head cock medusa. Throw em in the sky way up into outer space where they will multiply rocket back to the planets face. Sonic booms fireballs enter the atmosphere cock comets coming crushing calling out our end is near. Mushroom clouds, tidal waves, we are sinking. A downpour of dicks will bring our extinction and then you two will die as i am next to you so look what I'm saying is I want to do sex to you both. It's raining dicks. So many Dicks. Here a dick there a dick everywhere its raining dicks. Suddenly, when we're out and about maybe buying groceries the pork swords come out. Even at the ATM trying to get our card on the guy in line behind us jabs us with his hard on. At the bar or at the street even the movie theater it never fails to yell hell yo look at my peter here. Its like we can't escape the tallywhacks and dongs and you sir you're getting so turned on by this song. Cause we're adorable deplorable our music makes you laugh. No wonder that all the homies want to break us in half. You want us to stroke it that something that you poke with you think your branch is oak and thats a funny joke. We're saying and we're playing all our stuff about stuff. You're swaying and you're praying that you're junk is big enough. It's like that yall. It's like that yall. We're gonna say your dick is too damn small. Afterbros everywhere now that your dicks are in the air wave them round like you don't care. It's raining dicks.

Something That Ruins It All

Written By: Afterbirth Monkey

Your mother really likes me and your friends all think I'm cool.
My father almost shit himself when he heard you graduated top of your school.
We like all the same movies and I catch you when you fall but something is amiss here,
something that ruins it all.
I have a tiny dick. Its an itty bitty prick.
Oh my dicks so small it look like a pimple on the top of my balls.
A tiny dick. A skinny dick. A tiny dick.
I spend hours and hours pleasuring you but nothing does the trick.
Thats because you orgasm internally and you have a tiny dick.
I told you that if you trimmed your pubes it might not look so bad.
So when I did what you said and pulled down my pants you began to laugh.
Its an itty bitty prick. Oh my dicks so small it looks like a pimple on the top of my balls.
A tiny dick. A crooked dick. A tiny dick.
If only it were thicker you might not feel forlorn.
But since I love him and its really really tiny its like tragic. i guess we'll just watch porn... and then I'll masturbate...
then I'll take a bath.
Because I have a tiny dick. Its an itty bitty prick.
Oh my dicks so small it looks like a pimple on the top of my balls.
A tiny dick. Its really tiny. A tiny dick.
Is that a tick? No its my dick. A tiny dick.
Tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny dick. You've gotta be kidding me this song isn't over yet.

Nerd Hymn

Written By: Afterbirth Monkey

Loves Harry Potter, and D&D, string theory, and the coils of tesla.
Went as Darth Vader for halloween, rides around on a powder blue vespa.
Thats you.
You're a nerd.
That's you, a super legitimate nerd.
Quotes buffy battlestar and doctor who.
Knows elvish, nave and Klingon.
Yelled "Winter is coming" at comic con, while keeping Hal Jordan's ring on.
Thats me I'm a nerd.
Thats me a super legitimate nerd.
When I was younger I used to have dreams that Trini the yellow Power Ranger would come to my bedside and teach me Karate.
I'm not fooled by your Lasek.
They're not fooled by my Lasek.
Nobodies fooled by our Lasek.
It's true, we are nerds.
Frack you! We're super legitimate nerds.
Our attention to detail is absurd. Shazaam!


Stuff About Stuff 2012 (Demo)
Man Dies Defecating A Drinking Game 2013 (EP)

Set List

Taco Song
Nerd Hymn
Taxoplasmosis Gondii
Something That Ruins It All
Meryl Streep Is From The Future
Rape Song
Vampire Girlfriend
Absolutely Made Up
Its Raining Dicks
Let's Do Shots
Cuntry Song
You Made Me Gay
Gun Control
Fuck Song
If I Had A Time Machine
Man Dies Defecating
Dumb Girls With Big Boobs