Attractive Eighties Women

Attractive Eighties Women

BandComedyPunk

AEW are a comedycore band from Atlanta, GA. Featuring five well known actresses from the eighties, they've been described as a cross between Molly Hatchet and an 8th grade talent show. With hilarious lyrics and the tastiest riffs, these girls just want to have fun.

Biography

AEW are a group of well known celebrity hotties from the 80's. The band formed on a crisp autumn day in 2005 when the girls got together for an impromptu jam session in Atlanta, GA. Things went so well, the quintet decided to form a band. Their goal? To entertain the masses with their unique brand of comedy-core music while raising breast cancer awareness.

With their wild costumes and on-stage antics, AEW have often been described as "Post-GWAR Kiss revivalists". One eyewitness at an early show claimed the band was "like a tornado of two-hundred Led Zeppelins, out-of-control and bearing down on a South Georgia trailer park... picking up all the hot women and spinning them away to some distant rock n' roll Valahalla."

Attractive Eighties Women have played at many venues throughout Georgia. Mulligan's (a now-defunct Oakhurst establishment) was the first to feel the force of the 80's Ladies. Their performance of the now-classic "Mama, Get a Mammogram" melted both speakers and ear drums with astonishing efficiency. More recently, the ladies have found themselves headlining major Atlanta clubs, including Lenny's, The Drunken Unicorn, Star Bar and The EARL.

AEW were also featured on the Adult Swim ratings-smash Frisky Dingo. Their ode to LARPing, "Lightning Bolt", was prominently featured in the show and on adultswim.com, winning them critical acclaim, college radio airplay and many new fans both in the U.S. and overseas.

Since the band's inception, several members have come and gone, but the core of Attractive Eighties Women is stronger than ever.

Phoebe Cates - (Charismatic Front Woman) Blessed with a stage presence rivaling Mick Jagger, Darby Crash and Bon Scott combined, Phoebe is the lyricist and lead vocalist of AEW. Her scorching delivery and hilarious lyrics are unmatched.

Kelly McGillis - (Lead Axe Goddess) What would it be like if Chuck Berry, Kerry King, Jimi Hendrix and Angus Young had a four-armed guitar-playing freak-baby? Once you've seen Kelly shred at an AEW show you will know. You will know.

Christie Brinkley - (Lieutenant Guitar Sorceress Supreme) After Mia Sara left the band in 2006, Christie jumped at the chance to take over guitar duties. During AEW shows, Christie always keeps several guitars ready to go, since she has been known to regularly melt fret boards with the intensity of her rock chops.

Shelley Long - (Queen of the Four-string) After starring in "Troop Beverly Hills" alongside indie-darling Jenny Lewis, Shelley decided she'd give music a shot as well. After taking bass lessons from the ghost of Cliff Burton, Shelley became a founding member of AEW and regularly brings the thunder.

Carrie Fisher - (Skin-beating Stick Swinger Extraordinaire) Princess Leia is the newest member of AEW and she drums like a Wookiee on acid. She will be wearing her slave bikini to all future shows.

Lyrics

Death Skull Napalm Sword

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

Born of hell
The demon's tail
Death skull napalm sword
Cuts through bone
The witch's moan
Death skull napalm sword
Flaming revenge
You can't defend
Death skull napalm sword
Skeletal remains
Will eat your brains
Death skull napalm sword
Death skull napalm sword

The dragon’s tooth
Will be the proof
Death skull napalm sword
Taste the blade
That Satan made
Death skull napalm sword
Raining blood
A crimson flood
Death skull napalm sword
Flaming death
Your final breathe
Death skull napalm sword
Death skull napalm sword
Death skull napalm sword
Death skull napalm sword

DUI

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

Baby I’m sorry to call so late
After I no showed for our big date
But I got a good excuse
I’m sure you’ll agree
The state patrol took me into custody

I didn’t really think I was quite that drunk
But the policeman didn’t agree
Now I’m sitting in
the county jailhouse
And I’m facing DUI number three

DUI was on my way to see you
When I got pulled over in my car
DUI had just a few too many
And now I’m sitting behind bars

They had me out of my car and walking a line
They said I stumbled, I thought I did fine
Gave the breathalyzer a couple of puffs
Next thing you know I'm in hand cuffs

Baby you know that you're my best girl
For you I'd do anything in the world
Now I know you're probably mad as hell
But could you come down here and pay my bail?

DUI was on my way to see you
When I got pulled over in my car
DUI had just a few too many
And now I’m sitting...
DUI remember blue lights flashing
And I just didn’t know what to do
DUI had to say the alphabet backwards
And when I blew in that machine, it said point two!

Master Cylinder

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

When I wanna get drunk, get my vision blurry
No time for tiny beers, cause I’m in a hurry
I need the biggest can you got behind the bar
I need a master cylinder of PBR
The beer that placed first in 1893
By God, that makes it good enough for me
They serve it in bottles and three kinds of cans
But there’s only one size you’ll hear me demand
(CHORUS)
Master cylinder
Master cylinder
Master cylinder
Don’t want no pretender
Need a master cylinder

24 ounces is not a lot of beer
For a man like me who doesn’t know fear
I shotgun it down in one big swallow
For you amateur drinkers that’s a hard act to follow
I like drinking liquor; it suits me just fine
I got no problem with a nice glass of wine
But there’s only one thing that'll quench my thirst
The beer I mentioned in the very first verse

(CHORUS)

Pabst Blue Ribbon is my favorite kind of brew
Whenever I drink I have more than a few
In a silver can, red and blue logo
It’s the beer that taught me to drink like a pro
One day I’m gonna take the brewery tour
And see how they make this beer that I adore
When I get there I’m gonna run down the hall
Find the master cylinders and drink them all

(CHORUS)

Pandamonium

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

Ever since the zoo made their new addition, I’ve been planning a secret mission
Yang Yang and Lun Lun had a little baby girl and there’s people tuning in from all over the world
To watch the baby panda on the webcam show, but that little cub’s just a dirty pinko
Communism represents a threat to our nation, send Mei Lan on a permanent vacation

(CHORUS)
Gotta kill
Gotta kill the baby panda
Gotta kill
Gotta kill the baby panda
Gotta kill
Gotta kill the baby panda
Gotta kill
Gotta kill
the communist panda

Without the HUAC or McCarthy around, who’s gonna take these communists down?
Looks like I’m the only man up to the task, it won’t be long till Mei Lan’s in a casket
Going on a patriotic killing spree to put an endto her socialist creed
From each according to his ability
To each according to his need

(CHORUS)

What’s black and white and red all over? The panda enclosure by the time this is over
Gonna bleed that little bear till it’s dead dead dead. Did you know that pandas bleed communist red?
I’ve got a knife, gonna stab it to death and watch the baby panda take its final breath
So long Mei Lan, it’s sure been swell
Say hello to Mao when you see him in hell!

(CHORUS 2X)

Gonna Throw a Party (When You Die)

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

Everyone’s telling me
That you’re a really nice guy
I don’t give a shit
And I wish that you would die
I hate your stupid face
And the stupid things you say
Hate everything about you
And I wish you’d go away
You’re a son of a bitch
No redeeming qualities
I really hope you get
An incurable disease

I hate the way you dress
And your cocky attitude
I should pay the guy at Taco Bell
To poison your food
And when I get the news
That your life is over
I’m gonna buy 10 kegs
Invite all my friends over
We’ll laugh and drink
And have a lot of fun
All because your time on earth
Is finally done

(CHORUS)
I’m gonna throw a party when you die
Gonna get really drunk
And raise my glass high
Laughing out loud
While I toast your demise
I’m gonna throw a party
When you die

You came out of nowhere
And you ruined my life
I’m gonna throw a party
When you die

Maybe a radio
will fall in your tub
While you’re taking a bath
Rub a dub dub
Maybe run over
On the interstate
Killed on impact
Wouldn’t that be great?
I've got just one wish
For when your life ends
Come back as a zombie
I will kill you again

(CHORUS)

You came out of nowhere
And you ruined my life
I’m gonna throw a party
When you die

(CHORUS)

Yeah, you make Hitler
Seem like a nice guy
I’m gonna throw a party
When you die

Gonna Throw a Party!
Gonna Throw a Party!
Gonna Throw a Party!
Gonna Throw a Party!

The best news I could get
Would be the end of your life
Cause I'm gonna throw a party
when you die

Lightning Bolt

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

Lightning!
Lightning!
Lightning!
Lightning Bolt!

I was fighting an ogre king in the woods
It was just my friend Chuck but his costume sure looked good
Live action role playing, that’s how I get down
Let all the newbies know, I cast the best spells in town

(Chorus)
Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
Summon the fury of the sky
Lightning bolt, baby! Lightning bolt!
You can keep your 20-sided die

Cause when it comes to Magic and D & D
You know that they’re just no fun to me
I need the thrill of LARP
Lightning bolt!

Tell the Orc commander I’m coming for him next
I’m going to hit him with my powerful wizard’s hex
I got no time for books and cards when I roll play
Cause I take the matter way beyond cosplay

(Chorus)

There’s no World of Warcraft on my PC
‘Cause an Elven sword is all I need
To leave your character lying in the dirt

Lightning Bolt!
Lightning!
Feel the electricity, baby!
Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!

Murder Kroger

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

down on ponce where the call girls roam
and the homeless trannies won't leave you alone
just a block or so past the Clermont lounge
sits the deadliest grocery store in town
it’s a good place to go if you wanna buy crack
but if you go there for groceries you may never come back

(CHROUS)
It’s murder
Murder Kroger
It’s murder
Murder Kroger

It’s a grocery store with a deadly twist
You’ll get shot in the head for your shopping list
Murder Kroger

it’s the worst place to shop in all of Atlanta
you could lose your life over twelve pack of Fanta
When you leave your car don’t forget your mace
unless you wanna be stabbed in the face
by an angry bum with a switchblade knife
I hope those hot pockets were worth your life

(CHROUS)

The odds are good you won’t come back alive
and your friends will all hear about it on Fox 5
Murder Kroger

It’s murder Kroger
It’s murder Kroger
It’s murder Kroger

Surfing or AIDS (I'll Take Surfing)

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

Summer time's here
and it's time to have some fun
Load my board in my woodie
gonna show 'em how it's done
But the beach is closed down
There's been a toxic spill
of medical waste
No, This is not a drill

Syringes and needles
are floating in the seas
I wanna go surfing
Not catch a disease
I grab a haz-mat suit
Gonna give it a whirl
next thing you know
I'm shooting the curl

(CHORUS)
Surfing or AIDS?
I'll take surfing!
Surfing or AIDS?
I'll take surfing!
Surfing or AIDS?
I'll take surfing!
Surfing or AIDS?
I'll take surfing!

Now I'm hanging ten
riding on a killer wave
feelin' like a big kahuna
headed to an early grave
On Biohazard Bay
no one as brave as me
Hope I don't end up
like my man Eazy-E

I'm having fun in the sun
Yeah, I'm having a blast
As strips of bloody gauze
go floating past
I scream cowabunga!
And wipe out in the sea
If they can cure Magic Johnson
then why not me?

(CHORUS 2X)

She Made My Heart Walk The Plank

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

She set me out to sea
on a red sky morning
She called me a scurvy dog
It came without a warning
She said she’s through with me
And my drinking and my lies
So I said “fuck you bitch,
I hope you fucking die”

(CHORUS)
She made my heart walk the plank
Arrrr Arrrr Arrrr Arrrr
She made my heart walk the plank
Arrrr Arrrr Arrrr Arrrr

That wench left me alone,
It’s time to drink some ale
I’m headed to the pub
To raise a little hell
I think I’ll start a fight
Or make out with some whore
Then down a few more beers
'Til I pass out on the floor

(CHORUS)

At first I was a little sad
That you’d gone away
But the beer helps me forget
That I cared anyway
Now I’ve got 12 mugs down
And another 12 to go
All me hardies shout together
YO HO HO!

(CHORUS)

Women are all crazy
And I'm tired of their shit
Just because I'm always drunk
They go and throw a fit
This song is dedicated to all
The women I’ve pissed off
I’m gonna keep on drinking
You can all fuck off

(CHORUS 2X)

I used to know this girl
I met her in a village
On the coast of an island
We were about to pillage

Thought we were so happy
Can't believe what happened
She abandoned my ship
To sail with another captain

I thought she was the one
But she was just a skank
That's the last time I let a bitch
Make my heart walk the plank

Mama's On Meth

Written By: Attractive Eighties Women

I ain’t been to school in close to three weeks
No food in the fridge, dirty dishes in the sink
Social worker says we’ll end up in a foster home
Grandma can’t call, they disconnected our phone
I’m the only one here taking care of little sis
But since mama’s been tweaking, it’s been absolute bliss

(CHORUS)
My mama’s on meth
I ain’t gotta go to school
Yeah, mama’s on meth
And I think it’s so cool
Mama’s on meth
Crystal methamphetamine
Gonna be on the cover of the DFCS magazine!

For the past six months I ain’t had to do no chores
Just drive around with mama to the local drugs stores
Get all the Sudafed we can fit in the car
Between Wal-Mart and Eckerd, we ain't gotta drive far
Then it’s back to the trailer.
Cook it up all night!
Yeah mama’s on meth, but I’m doing all right.

(CHORUS)

Social worker says the state’s taking us away
Don’t like that our house is in constant disarray
Daddy left us for a waitress at the truck stop
Last time I saw him was on an episode of COPS
Mama’s bringing over new people every night
Tweekers to the left, tweekers to the right

(CHORUS)

Discography

Attractive Eighties Women have release one single, "Lightning Bolt" which received widespread college radio airplay after being featured in Adult Swim's top rated show, "Frisky Dingo" and as a free download on adultswim.com. The girls have also released one LP, "Live - Coup D'é Ta-Ta's," featuring all of their greatest hits as they were meant to be heard: live, in front of a rowdy drunken audience. AEW are now back in the studio working on their follow up LP.

Set List

Attractive Eighties Women has close to two dozen original songs which we rotate in and out of our sets. We generally play 45 minutes or so on an opening gig, but if we are headlining we're glad to play for as long as two hours. Sometimes, we do two sets, with a few acoustic numbers thrown in the middle. We're perfectly happy to be the very first of 5 bands in a night, or the ONLY band for the night. Attractive Eighties Women fear no lineup.