Brian O'Sullivan

Brian O'Sullivan

 Santa Monica, California, USA

Inspired by artist like "Weird Al" Yankovic, The Bloodhound Gang, and Stephen Lynch, O'Sullivan uses pop music and catchy tunes to deliver his punchlines. He's performed in over 230 colleges and hundreds of clubs across the country, including The Laugh Factory, Second City (Chicago) and the World Famous Comedy Store.


I am an actor at heart, that's where I got my start.
I don't consider it art (at least not my part)
In real life, I'm shy. I just try to get by.
I always do as I'm asked, and I don't ask why.
I can't stand the taste of milk. I like my boxers to be silk.
My body is pretty well built, I just hope it doesn't wilt.
I always answer the phone, I'm ok being alone.
I'm often on my own. It's weird to think how I've grown.
One time I used Nair. I never cut my own hair.
I don't think Taxis are fare. And I never take dares.
I floss every single night. I have 20/20 sight.
I've never been in a fight. I've won raps, though I'm white.
I love my family to death. I never run out of breath.
I don't smoke crack, weed, or even cigarettes.
Roller coasters are fun. I am a fan of puns.
My first sip of beer was at 21.



Written By: Brian O'Sullivan

Do I know you?
Do I know you, and if I do, then who’s it through
I check your profile out, and think you’re kinda cute
Click Back, confirm and now my friend total’s two oh two
This website ain’t a joke
I think this girl is flirting, what the hell’s a poke
Cuz that’s what she just did, so now I’m really stoked
Know I’m Gonna stalk this girl for years and

Everyone judge me by the way I look
I’m on facebook
And I’m sending messages a bunch
Let’s meet for lunch
We’ll meet for lunch

This guy is strange
Wants me to join a group for People who like brains
Or favorite Ninja Turtle Character’s Krane
I join a group so this guy can have a threesome

Screw legality
I’m tagged on photos for personality
Holding a beer, grab a boob, while smoking weed
Nevermind the fact that I was born in ’93, yeah

Seventeen friends of mine say that their gay
It’s John’s birthday
Today and I’m searching through all my friends
This never ends
No, never ends

Everyone knows everything about me,
They check news feed
Daily, and I changed my status too
I’m going poo
Yeah, number two

And Suddenly, as I come out of the stall
Check my email, answer the call
Inside jokes posted upon my wall

Give this a try
I list my favorite shows include family guy
Grey’s Anatomy, House, Entourage, I lied
I don’t stay inside, unless I’m on the web and

Everyone knows my dog Fred was well fed
But now he’s dead
They learned that all from a note they read
These things I’ve said
Posted on Wed..

Everyone knows
I’m on facebook
Everyone knows I’m on my facebook, I’m on my facebook, I’m on facebook-

Everyone knows facebook is the best place
Screw myspace
And state your activities, favorite books
And now I’m hooked
I love facebook

Girl In Sunglasses

Written By: Brian O'Sullivan

Walking down the street, I see the beautiful girls
Thank God for putting so many into this world
Got the long skinny legs, and pretty blue dress
Give me five minutes alone, I=d leave her hair in a mess
She=s got perfect skin, probably gets lots of guys
I=d give her face a ten, Wish I could see her eyes
Cause she=s making me sweat, like I=m mowing the lawn
Probably makes tons of money, she=s got oakley=s on
Then she comes my way, and takes her sunglasses off
I changed my mindYshe=s really not that hot.

AIs this seat, taken?@ She says. I don=t know what to say
Can=t look her in the eyes, I gotta look away
Go away, I=m thinking, don=t want to say it out loud
God, please bring the sun back from behind that cloud.
And pour the suns rays into this ugly girl=s face
What with eyes like that, she doesn=t need to buy mace
She was nice from afar, but far from nice
Maybe I was wrong (look), nope, I just looked twice

She=s The Ugly Girl in Sunglasses
As for a decent human being, I don=t think that she passes
I would rather have sex with a bunch of old men=s asses
Than look at the Ugly girl in sunglasses

So I think really fast, need to expose her quick
Oh man, she=s making me sick
So I punch her in the stomach, and stab her face
AI=m doing this for the entire Male Race@
Then I pull out my gun, and right before I depart
I shoot this hideous monster right in the heart
People come up screaming, say Ais she alive?@
Guys realize she=s one of thoseYI get a high five

I killed one of the Ugly girls in sunglasses
But beware, more still roam, there are packs of them by the masses
Guys get your guns, and your knives, it=s like fishing for basses
Cuz we need to kill ever last one of the.. Ugly GirlsY in Sunglasses

Tanning Bed

Written By: Brian O'Sullivan (Parody of Nelly)

(Parody to ANumber One@ by Nelly)

(I just gotta bring it to their attention, that=s all)
You better watch where you=re getting those white places and spots on your body
During wintertime, you=re ugly, you can not find a hottie
Looking around all sobby,
Should you just call your mommy,
Have her come and pick you up right outside. No in the lobby.
And what about your pants?
Cov=ring up your white legs, no!
And you beg, So?
Tan? I don=t think so.
But what do I know,
You haven=t got one, but I heard of some place to go, come on now, we gotta run.
It=s gonna be fun.
It=s like this alter-sun
You gotta go sit for fifteen minutes, then your body=s done
So we pull up right outside, the sign is blinking
Should I trust it or just drive off, now I=m thinking.
My head is sinking
Something is reeking
Smells like burning, skin I=m churning
What=s this stinking
I=ll take a chance or
Just get skin cancer
Then I=ll answer...Yes, I, I, I.

I tan in the Sun.
No, I tan in the shade
Like a Giant Microwave.

I tan in the Sun
(eh, eh, eh, eh, eh)

Now let me ask you...

Why don=t you just get tan from the sun?
Winter makes me frown
I can=t stand to be not brown.
Why don=t you just get tan from the sun?

(Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh)

Would you like it, if I paid for you, maybe
Give you a free turn
I promise when you get in
The machine will not burn
Hell no.
Does it say stupid on my face?
Think I want to kill myself right now? Well, no thanks..
And then I=ll chase after someone
With fake sun, Comin= undone, She=s re-done.
Screw that
Probably not a smart one.
A clown short a circus.
Fry shy a happy meal
What is her deal?
Looks like a ghost, she squeals
Oh if my grand dad could see this wave
Probably make him want to turn right over in his grave.
Girls getting tan all the way.
Guys too, who are gay
On not so sunny days
Or who don=t live near the bay.
Planet Tan Man!
What if that was me?
Be there every day. Open to closing
Be darker than a coffin on a cold moonless night.
When they finally make me stop, boy I=d put up a fight...Girl!

I tan in the Sun
Oh wait, my mistake.
This tan is very fake.

I tan in the Sun
(Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh)

Now let me ask you again...

Why don=t you just get tan from the sun?
Because, look at this honey,
Where else can I spend my money?
Why don=t you just get tan from the sun?
(Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh)

Yo I=m tired of people asking where the beds be at.
If I just made a list maybe that could take care of that.

Ok, Sunset Strip, boy that place is real phat
I mean P-H phat. Not like F fat.
You ain=t gotta beat the man,
At Extreme Tan,
Feel like sittin in sand
At Hollywood Tan
There is Village Tan and Nails.
And Paradise Tan.
(I=m burnt)
Tanning makes you free,
Just listen to me,
Body Works tanning.
They=ve got two and three
There is Sun Stations, Eclipse Sun Studio, look
If you need directions, just use a phone book.
Call them up.
See those girls, I>m like Awhat=s up?@
As they walk in, tan skin, they=ve got two healthy cups
Full of sun tanning oil.
Use while they lay and boil.
White girls turning dark brown,
Man they must be spoiled, cuz.

I tan in the Sun
I=ll pay the guy a five
And put goggles on my eyes.
I tan in the Sun
(eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh)

One more time...

Why don=t you just get tan from the sun?
The tan prevents sunburn,
That=s something that I=ve heard.
Why don=t you just get tan from the sun?
(Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh)

I tan in the Sun!


Written By: Brian O'Sullivan

Mmmm mmm mmm
John McCain
I want to get to know you. I want to get to know you.
Sarah had them long dyed brown bangs,
Boots made of bears
She shot them herself, she didn’t even care
What do we know
Not much and so
She won’t get my vote

McCain thinks it’s a plan, to steal Hilary’s fans
Adds a lady to his ticket to be a bigger man
He was tortured so
A baseball, he can’t throw
And he won’t get my vote

Hey I ain’t never had a problem with a girl before
She’s got a daughter who’s a whore
Getting knocked up against a wall, or on the floor
While Sarah’s out getting groceries at the store

She’s Alaskan
All I’m askin
For’s the facts and
A grasp of truth
Truth about this former mayor who could soon rule this nation

Anyway, I’ve seen her stance on rape
Making women pay for it, oh that’s great
Think maybe I will stay up late
For the cheap forced sex, we’ll call it a date

At the convention she’s getting real cocky
Only thing she seems to know about’s hockey
And that one stupid line she won’t quit
The difference with her and a dog is lipstick

She ruled a town of 23
Inexperienced, you see
And in the interviews, she talks too much for me
Around what’s asked
Don’t cut her slack
If she don’t know

She looks like Tina Fey
But in that chubby un-cool way
I’m having trouble understanding what she’s sayin
Does she want war
If so, what for?
Bet she don’t know

Sarah what I gotta do to get you to quit
Come on, jokes over, enough of it
With you in charge, we’ll all be blown to bits
She’s going green switching to her dim wit

Our filth, ok
A milf no way
A pill go away.

Now I wanna scream
the republicans big dream.
And it’s getting obscene,
I don’t mean to sound mean

Let’s settle the score ask about dinosaurs
Thousands of years, I believe she answered four
She’s just wants the fame, and
Not backed by Matt Damon
I’m sorry Ms. Palin
If you are a christian, you’re more like a Saintan

Fumbling around, she’s like rain man
Scarecrow is missing her brain man
Listening to her talks a pain and
I’m drained, ma’am

She wants to be VP
Then the president you see,
It’s sad when you are now offending the ladies
You don’t seem nice
Go back to the ice
With the igloos made of snow

You’re making us all frown
Why’s your kid feeling so down
Perhaps it’s because he don’t like when moms around
So take a hint
Don’t raise my rent
Think you better go

Yeah, Sarah
You think it’s not fair-ah
Get her off the ticket
I’ll tell her where to stick it

She’s got those glasses on
Wow, what a sweet old mom
Give her the codes to bombs
Assume nothing goes wrong

Idaho, yo, I don’t know joe
Says you make a mean burrito
I’ll eat cheetos, and doritos
Help you make your state so clean, oh

Drill for oil, bubbling boil
Let’s mess up alaska’s soil
Let’s get rich, and dig a ditch
Under command of a bitch

She has an accent from the north
Body from the south
Can’t wait to see her with her feet inside her mouth
She’ll support guns
Then cut our funds
The economy needs to grow

Building bridges to no where
Now I’m really getting scared
Last thing we need is to be this under-prepared
The time is close
I already know
She won’t get my vote

Cereal Killer

Written By: Brian O'Sullivan

The blood of Rubble is on my jeans
That's three kills today. I'm on a spree
I got a smart start, made a list with chex
Snap, Crackle, Pop, you three will be next

I feel like a monster from the video "Thriller"
I guess I'll face facts...I'm a cereal killer

In the army I killed General Mills
Ripped the prize out of his box, his milk was spilled
Cap'n crunch used to be a flakey Pirate
Killing Tony the Tiger, made me feel great

If my wife were Alaska, I would drill her
It's just in my blood...I am a cereal killer.

Killing Rabits for fun's how I get my Kix
I off a leprechaun using my trix
Toucan Sam should have just called it quits
Instead I blew him up into alpha-bits

My third molar back's gonna need a filler
I guess it's all that sugar...I'm cereal killer

Enough cereal talk, I can't stand anymore
And so I head down to the grocery store
I decide it is people who must die for my fun
And dare I kill people using cereal puns?
I grab a granny who's looking cheerio
Rip her honeycombs off, she can't hear me, no.
Pull her toes, her corn pops, then I shred her wheat (then I slash her dress)
And now her parts make this breakfast complete (are this complete breakfast)

My weapon of choice is a spoon, not a knife
I just killed the postman, yeah I took his Life
Then I find a short bus, all the kids I slay
There's nothing about you that's special, k?

I'll open the fridge, grab myself a miller,
Life can get rough...when you're a cereal killer


Brian O'Sullivan:LIVE! (CD)-unsigned, January 2011

Quazi-Good Looking (CD)-unsigned, January 2009

Keep Out of Reach of Parents (CD)- unsigned, August 2007.

Set List

My set list is ever changing. I am always writing new music and new parodies. A typical show of mine, lasts about an hour and a half, but I can do more or less depending on the needs.
I have dozens of songs that have been "proven funny" by thousands of audience members.

Some titles to my more popular songs are:
1. Girls in Sunglasses
2. Cereal Killer
3. Brian O'Sullivan: I'm A Singing Comedian!
4. My Least Favorite Song
5. The Black Night (Batman)
6. Feeling Used
7. Will Work For Porn
8. Puppy Love
9. What Women Really Want
10. Too Soon

Popular Parodies:
1. Breathalyzer (Parody Britney Spear's "Womanizer")
2. Sell Out (Parody Nickelback's "Rockstar")
3. Nerdy Little Seacrest (Parody All-American Reject's "Dirty Little Secret")
4. Facebook (Not cable car) (Parody Fray's "Over My Head (Cable Car))
5. McDonald's Lament (Parody One Republic's "Apologize")

I also do improvised songs about people in the audience.
I also rap.