Brian O'Sullivan

Brian O'Sullivan

 Santa Monica, California, USA

Award winning, Singing Comedian,
With a strong improv background, and a love for pop culture.


I am an actor at heart, that's where I got my start.
I don't consider it art (at least not my part)
In real life, I'm shy. I just try to get by.
I always do as I'm asked, and I don't ask why.
I can't stand the taste of milk. I like my boxers to be silk.
My body is pretty well built, I just hope it doesn't wilt.
I always answer the phone, I'm ok being alone.
I'm often on my own. It's weird to think how I've grown.
One time I used Nair. I never cut my own hair.
I don't think Taxis are fare. And I never take dares.
I floss every single night. I have 20/20 sight.
I've never been in a fight. I've won raps, though I'm white.
I love my family to death. I never run out of breath.
I don't smoke crack, weed, or even cigarettes.
Roller coasters are fun. I am a fan of puns.
My first sip of beer was at 21.

Also, I have performed at over 100 colleges in the last year, and I have done over 1000 professional comedy shows in my life.
Also, I have a BFA in Acting from UNC-Greensboro.
Also, thank you for reading all of this.


Hey Girl (What's A Meadow For?)

Written By: Brian O'Sullivan

Hello Nurse, I C U,
I’ll make your Bedrock, got milk, nice shoes
Do you come here a lot? If you did, I would
Cause you’re so mmm mmm Campbell’s good
I wanna bee your sweet honey
Like a rhino playing trumpet, I’m so horny
Do you wanna makeout? Here’s a kiss from France
Put jeans above your head, I can see you’re “under pants”
Girl what’s your sign? Yield, don’t say Stop
Like a can of Pringles I’m about to pop
Blow me, like the Big Bad Wolf did
I’ll be praying, like a mantis, that you eat my kids

Hey Ho, Hey Ho, I mean Hey Girl. X2

Think you’re out of my league. Don’t think. You are.
Like Phil Hartman’s wife, I shoot for the stars
I’m a tool for your box, get nailed, let’s screw
You’re the shit. I’m number 2.
I’m Teeth, and I need to be inside your mouth
You’re Randy Johnson, I’m striking out
Tell me Lady Jane Grey, where’s my head at
Would you shave your pussy, I’m allergic to cats

Hey Ho, Hey Ho, I mean Hey Girl x2

If I get lucky, I’ll hear her say…
(Ride me. Like a convertible in May
You can take my top off every day) x2

Day-O Hey Ho, Me say Day-O
Come Mr. Tally Man. Tally me banana.
Hey Ho Hey Ho, I mean Hey Girl.

Hey Miss New York, I’m glad we Mets
You’re an old man’s boner. You’re hard to get
But like Monopoly, I can play that game
I’ll be the theme song from cheers, you’ll be glad you came
I’m rough, like golf. This shaft I drive
Call me J.C. Penny, I’ll be all inside.
I’m gonna fill you up, like a tank of gas
There’s a donkey in your pants, let me see dat ass
My balls are The Smurfs, cuz they’re turning blue
I’ll make you moan in the shower, like you’re selling shampoo
Sit, stay, heel! Do you want a bone?
Like Macoly Culkin, I’ll go home, alone.

Hey Ho, Hey Ho, I mean Hey Girl x2

I mean Hey Girl.

Ox E Moron Song

Written By: Brian O'Sullivan

I’m the optimistic pessimist
The altruistic narcissist
The messiest perfectionist
The masochist who loves to hit
The minimum of max
What’s a sentence, I ask?
I’m the future of the past
First in line, but it won’t last
Tomorrow, I’ll be there today
Can’t be marry, if you’re gay
Can we agree to disagree?
The cows, they say nay
At the airport, take a bus
I desire your disgust
The negative is it’s a plus
I swear, I’m not allowed to cuss
Be honest, did you just now lie?
I’m the shyest cocky guy
That Lowes employee’s getting high
That’s my ex, don’t ask why
I’ll meat you at the plant
My Uncle’s terrified of ants
I always planned to have this chance
I hate how much I love romance

(Verse for the Refrain)
This is the verse for the refrain
It’s also called the chorus
It’s different, but it’s the same
The definition of thesaurus

In the group, I’m all-alone
I’m famous for being unknown
On vacation at my home
I’m always questioning the phone
Break apart to form a band
I’m so hot to all my fans
I just can’t find the can
See that fly land
Got no money, there’s a fee
Go to jail to live for free
Love the public, privately
Love my privates, publicly
Caps lock key is lower case
Graffiti wall is now de-faced
Feel so crowded in this space
Took 50 tries to get that ace
I neglect you cause I care
I collect UNO cards in pairs
Do you know you’re unaware?
Tell the truth. Did you pick D.A.R.E?
I got Mono from a stereo
X-ibit, can you pimp my hoe
I will stop, just let me go
Your comfort really scares me though

(Verse for the Refrain)

All I see is that you’re blind
Man’s so mean to all mankind

Bottom feeder at the top of that
The student who just taught you that
I lost my head and bought that hat
The Original Copycat
This bowl of chili got so hot
You say nothing, but talk a lot
Vanilla-flavored chocolate
Mom knows the keys to pop n lock
I most definitely might
Have a daydream every night
About a pacifist fight
I’m turning left, right?
Pretend that I can’t act
I know that’s false despite the fact
A beer belly comes from 6-packs
Use the right tense, and then relax
That’s so phat that I’m so thin
My enemies loves watching Friends
Say the alphabet to ten
This is where the end begins
Does God believe in Atheists?
Sarcastic wit, I’m serious
The faithfullest polygamist
I’m the pessimistic optimist

(Verse For The Refrain)

Waiting Tables Song

Written By: Brian O'Sullivan

It's Friday. I should be out with friends.
Not today. I have to make
Work sucks. Don't say I'm a hater.

Life can be pretty hard, when you are a waiter...

2 top not hot, sitting at my 6 top.
Where the fucks the busboy at? Probably out back smoking pot.
Welcome to sit down food, I don't mean to sound rude, but could you please hurry up, I gotta turn this table soon.
I need dough, here we go, why are you ordering slow, can i get you both a drink, waters? really? fucking hoes.
Here you are, from the bar, believe me that was extra hard, two fresh waters both with lemon, would you care to try the tar tar
No, of course, said with force, you look like you ate a horse, though youre so big I bet you still get a salad for your main course
Specials? Spinach with lime in it. Say youre vegan. Are you kiddin? You should have just stayed at home. I'll be back in just a minute.

I'm a waiter, Yes I cater, to your every need, you hater
Stayed here while my friends took real jobs and they said we'll see you later
I'm still here, it's been years, go out every night for beers
Walking out with cash in hand, trying just to drown my tears...oooo

Hi Im back, The Cod? It's black, The lamb, you see comes on a rack, We bring free bread to every table, sorry, let me take that back
Get my pad, act all glad, act like what you say is rad, I'm so pissed that youre both foreign, of course ma'am, I've tried that.
No tomatoes, Sub potatoes, yes, the burgers all have mayo, griddle up your onions for you, serve it while I recite Plato
Salad for you, the cheese is blue, the dressing comes on the side, too, can I get you anything else, or will just more water do
[Repeat Chorus]
Hey folks, how's everything, yes for birthdays we will sing, how old are you gonna be? Really only 53?
Why lie, Apple Pie, stick a candle in my eye turns out that we 86'd it, God just shoot me, let me die.
Clean the mess, wish you best, of course I'll do seperate checks, on the condition you stop looking at the bartenders chest
Thank you Heather, see you never, we both know you should tip better Sure when you're done I suppose you can both just hang out forever.

[Repeat Chorus slow out]

Santa Song

Written By: Brian O'Sullivan

Christmas is a time, for family, love and cheer
A magical time for all to have
A time to see fresh fallen snow, a time to share, a time to grow
A time to find out Santa is your dad

Now picture what it’d be like to be almost 27
And just find out that Santa is your dad
My parents both have lied to me, I’ll set fire to their fucking tree
I can’t believe that Santa’s just my dad

All those pointless letters, telling Santa what I want
And sitting on some random old man’s lap
My father is a dick. My mom a worthless cunt
Cuz I just found out Santa is my dad

Mom and Dad, you both can die, go to hell, cause it’s a sin to lie
You should see me when I’m actually mad
I knew Frosty was horseshit, but apparently so are my parents
Cause turns out that Santa is my dad

So now I hate this season, I swear I do, it’s true
No jokes right here, I’m not being funny
But mom and dad, you bet, I will cut off both your heads
If I find out you are also the Easter Bunny

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me 26 times, well fuck you.
All those years I could have just been bad.
It’s not about Jesus this year, cause Jesus would never lie to me
Santa. Is just my boring dad.

No cherry nose, no ho ho ho’s, no Red/white robes, no nose that glows
And certainly no elves making ipads
No Mrs. Claus, no reindeer paws, No workshop laws It’s all because
Santa is just my fucking dad
No magic, no white beard, no stupid hat
When Santa dies, I’ll be really glad
Cause Santa is just my lying Dad.


Brian's Songs (2012)
Brian O'Sullivan: Live! (Album), January 2010
Brian O'Sullivan: Quazi Good Looking (Album), January, 2009
Keep Out of Reach of Parents (CD)- unsigned, August 2007.

Set List

Comedy Songs...parodies and originals.