Chris Valenti

Chris Valenti

BandComedySinger/Songwriter

If you have ever been frustrated by a relationship and you have a twisted, but healthy sense of humor, then Chris Valenti is the artist for you. His songs of struggle, blunder, and missed opportunity radiate the painfully funny universal suffering we all endure.

Biography

If you've ever been frustrated by a relationship and you have a somewhat twisted, sometimes evil, but very healthy sense of humor, then Chris Valenti is the artist for you. Chris takes his romantic failures and frustrations personally and pours them out to you straight from his wry, twisted heart. Valenti's songs of struggles, blunders, and missed opportunities radiate the painfully funny universal suffering we all endure.

His show is part music, part comedy, part therapy, and part romance - as well as action, adventure, mystery and sometimes horror. A philosopher of love - usually, the kind of love that did not exactly make it to that 'happily ever after' place, Chris writes and performs songs that touch upon the common truths of the sometimes frustrating, but often ridiculously funny life of single people.

Songs like Passive Aggressive about the cute little problems that get blown out of proportion in every dysfunctional relationship and The Ghost of Your Ex about dates who can't stop talking about their ex-boyfriends strike close to home for those who can not seem to reel in the full attention of their present partner. Don't Pass Out is a plea and warning to men and women everywhere to curb excessive drinking, especially on first dates. The song It's Hard to Find Someone Good Enough For Me nails the single person's core issue head on - and was featured on The Dr. Phil Show. Everyone Can Be Replaced is a positive look at the end of relationships as well as the happiest break-up song ever written. Most shows end with Chris's new approach to women, Booty Call.

A gifted songwriter and wry comedian, Chris has the knack for using self-deprecation and vulnerability to write songs about the hazards and frustrations of love and attempted relationships. He's become a spokesperson for the unlucky in love.

Lyrics

Don't Pass Out

Written By: Chris Valenti

Three Margaritas and a couple of beers.
We’ve been laughing and flirting and toasting our cheers.
I’ve been waiting for this night since I met you three weeks ago.
Now You’re finally here let’s let the fun flow.

We’ll hit a happy hour and a couple of parties.
We’re hanging on each other after a couple more Bacardi’s.
Sure, I’ll sing Kareoke if it’ll make you want me more.
The magic starts when you pull me through that door.

Hey little girl cuddle up tight, kiss me once then kiss me twice
Whisper something in my ear, about how it’s comfortable right here.
All the visions in me head, you wish we were in your bed.
But, we’re on some stranger’s couch, open your eyes Baby, Baby.

Don’t pass out, we were just getting started.
Don’t pass out, we were having fun.
Don’t pass out, it was looking so promising.
Don’t pass out, I wasn’t done.

Your face is such a pretty color, and your eyes lost in a glaze.
I love it when you try to smile at me as if you recognize my face.
Chances of nights like this come once and them they’re gone.
So wake up, Baby, stop drooling on my arm.

Don’t pass out, Baby, don’t leave me hanging.
Don’t pass out, You got me all worked up.
Don’t pass out, This was not in the planning.
Don’t pass out, This really sucks.

Wake up, little Suzie, please don’t fall asleep.
That was something I was hoping you’d be doing with me.
Tonight we might have shared a beautiful experience.
But I think your quecadilla wants to make an appearance.

Got a devil on one shoulder saying, ‘Hey, man, this is great.’
And an angel on the other saying, ‘Don’t date such light weights.’
But I won’t do you wrong, Baby, you’re a girl I really like.
I just won’t feed you punch that’s so spiked.

Don’t pass out, Oh, it could have been magic
Don’t pass out, We were oh so close
Don’t pass out, Now it’s nothing but tragic.
Don’t pass out, We may never know.
Don’t pass out, This is so frustrating.
Don’t pass out, I’m all alone.
Don’t pass out, Guess I’m masterbating.
Don’t pass out, Could I borrow your phone.

Don’t pass out, we were just getting started.
Don’t pass out, we were having fun.
Don’t pass out, it was looking so promising.
Don’t pass out, I wasn’t done.

The Ghost of Your Ex

Written By: Chris Valenti

Ghost of Your Ex
By Chris Valenti
Copyright 2004
Chris@sensitivejohnson.com
(818) 415-2090

There’s plenty of room on my shoulder if you need leaning.
There’s an extra seat in my car if you need a ride.
You took the space available in my picture frame.
My king size mattress is eight feet wide.
But that bed’s too crowded when we have sex.
There’s me, there’s you, and there’s the ghost of your ex.

I know I caught you on the rebound.
It was a slam-dunk if I’ve ever seen one.
It was you who initiated that pick up game.
And the first half was a whole lot of fun.
But when did the game suddenly get a ref?
I’m calling a foul on the ghost of your ex.

I’m not here to dish you all the blame.
But did you really have to scream his name when you came?

I thought talking about old flames was off limits.
Thought it was considered somewhat rude.
But you go on and on and over and once again.
Lean you head forward here a bit, I want to hit snooze.
I can’t compete with the ghost of your ex.
It’s turning me into an emotional wreck.

I’m not over my ex either.
But I don’t mention here name every single time I see you.

He left you. I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s time to say good-bye.
Realize you and him are through.
Cause you don’t want to loose boyfriend number two.
Open your eyes and see what’s next.
He might be the worst. I might be the best.

There’s plenty of room on my shoulder if you need leaning.
There’s plenty of room on my shoulder if you need leaning.
There’s plenty of room on my shoulder if you need leaning.
There’s plenty of room on my shoulder.
There’s plenty of room on my shoulder.

Passive Aggressive

Written By: Chris Valenti

Passive Aggresive
By Chris Valenti
Copyright 2002

Nothing’s wrong with me, just sitting over here quietly
Don’t look at me that way, I already said I’m fine, I’m okay
Go on. Have your fun. I’ll just wait over here alone until you’re done.
I won’t make a sound. I’m passive aggressive I don’t fuck around.

I could bitch. I could moan. But it’s easier to sit here like a stone.
Yeah, guilt is my game. I’m gonna make you feel bad. I’m gonna make you feel shame.
I can mope around for, oh, so long. Until you figure out that what you’re doing is wrong.
How long will it take til you get the message? Don’t fuck with me, I’m passive aggressive.

Yeah it’s fine, I’ll drive again. I love to spend my weekends with your friends.
Yeah it’s fine, Really, I’m great. Can’t wait to see your ex-boyfriend I hate.

What’s bothering you Baby you’re acting strange Nothing’s bothering me, do you hear me complain
If something’s on your mind just say what’s wrong. It’s all okay, why don’t you leave me alone.
If you’ve got something to say then say it. How bout I shove this guitar up your ass then play it?
Baby, listen I can’t read your mind. Well, I’m passive aggressive, so you better try.

Nothing’s wrong I’m just fine. I’m having such a happy grand ole time.
I’m peachy keen, I’m just dandy. So how was your fucking lunch with Andy?

Two dates in one night, now that’s ambitious. Hope dinner with him was just delicious.
It was a business meeting, he didn’t take me out. You’ve got nothing to be jealous about.
Who said I was jealous? I’m just impressed. What did he think of your high slit dress.
Don’t be such a baby. You’re acting excessive. Don’t make me open up a can of passive aggressive.

(instrumental over verse)

Never mind, have it your way. Since when do you ever listen to any thing I say?
Never mind, really I mean it. Just leave your dish there I guess I’ll fucking clean it.

Tell me what’s wrong must be my fault somehow. Nothing, have another Oreo you fucking cow.
Got some problem with my weight? 204? No, that’s just great.
Ah, Baby, come on I’m only kidding. I’d never auction your love, of course there’d be no bidding.
Well, maybe I’ll leave you. I’m highly selective. You don’t want to threaten me. I’m passive aggressive.

Discography

Albums:
Emotional Wreck - 13 song album (2006)
(tracks extensive college radio and internet play: Don't Pass Out, Booty Call, Passive Aggressive, Boyfriend)
Genghis Cohen Live - 10 song live album (2004)
(Popular tracks: You're Turning 30, I Kissed a Lesbian)
Sensitive Johnson Soundtrack - 10 song album (2003)
(Popular Tracks: Starbucks, First Wife)

Films:
800 CDs (Documentary on Indy Music Promotion)
Sensitive Johnson (Feature Musical Romantic Comedy)

Chris, o Chris,
Where were you, say, in 1986? This record could've saved me a lot of time & money back then.
I think this maybe ranks with Joni Mitchell's "Blue" as one of the best breakup records I've ever heard, but Joni didn't find her sense of humor until years later. I also notice the sequencing is vaguely reminiscent of the 5 (or was it 8?) Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

I'll be adding it to New Releases next week -- of course with 6 of the 12 songs not FCC-friendly your best shot for airplay is between 10pm & 5:59am. I'd love to play "Don't Need You Anymore" for Xmas eve, but I'm on in the afternoon. I will have a shot on the night of Dec 28th & I'll definitely play it then.

Do you work solo in performance or do you bring a band? That might determine where the best local Albuquerque venues might be.

I'd love to hear your ideas on how to market this. It's the kind of record that could become an underground classic years after you've moved on to other things, & then you might not see any money from it. I'd think you should send it as-is to Sirius & XM, maybe direct to Howard Stern, & then cleaned up or not to WFMU in New Jersey, to my pal Max Schmid at WBAI -- you know more about webcasters than I do, but they're free of censorship, and considering the subject matter, I can think of non-music magazines where you could advertise it for mail order. Hmmm.
===========================
Matthew Finch, Music Director
KUNM-FM
Albuquerque, NM

Set List

As well as the tunes listed in the released albums, I'm about record another. Songs that are requested or usually find their way into a set might be:
It's Hard To Find Someone Good Enough For Me
Everyone Can Be Replaced
Your Car
I Miss Her...
The Ghost of Your Ex
Boyfriend
Starbucks
I Didn't Kiss You
First Wife
The Princess
I Kissed a Lesbian
Trade In
Passive Aggresive
The Perfect Gent
Don't Pass Out
See You Next Tuesday
and I usually end on Booty Call

He usually plays an hour or so, but could easily do two or three. He once played ten straight hours on Valentine's Day - that's an interesting story.