Counselled Out

We can exclusively reveal that this week’s scheduled BBC Panorama documentary has been replaced by a candid interview with The Preacher. This will include stark revelations about some of his recent activities:

He denies that Wikileaks fugitive Julian Assange, is currently in hiding at The Preacher’s own Aberdeenshire sheep farm – saying his stay was pre-booked some months ago, the destination being favoured by a number of high profile public figures and A-list celebrities who often take advantage of his therapeutic sheep “shearing and dipping” remedies for stress and other psychological ailments. For example, he says that Nick ‘the bitch’ Clegg spent a weekend there after his ‘difficult’ coalition government initiation ritual where he had to spend a weekend in a hotel room with William ‘the gimp’ Hague. The Preacher states that Clegg enjoyed the farm so much that he has applied for a job as one of the sheep, starting in 4 years time, when his political career will be fcuk’d. He is to replace ‘I’m A Celebrity’ sh1t gourmet, Gillian McKeith, who starts a 4 year contract this week.

BBC’s Jeremy Vine queries why The Preacher had allegedly been paid £1m into his Swiss bank account by a close associate of FIFA President Sepp Blatter. The Preacher says this was simply a generous donation by FIFA towards a charity gig that he and Sir Bob Geldof are staging in Ethiopia to raise funds for Ireland. Another sheep farm ‘client’, the highly astute Irish Premier Brian Cowen, was hoping to donate one of his 2 race horses to the charity event. The problem is that he wanted to keep the steeplechaser and donate the flat racer but he wasn’t sure which was which. The Preacher advised that the steeplechaser was likely to be a bit taller – Cowen checked this out and confirmed “to be sure enough, the black one is two hands higher than the white one!”.

The Preacher also denies that he was behind the e-mail scandal that led to the sacking of Blue Hugh Dallas – he said it was a total lie and worthy of something that only former referee, Dougie McDonald would spout (and then apologise). However, The Preacher did admit that he is currently in talks with David Murray regarding a bid to rival Craig Whyte’s proposed takeover of Rangers FC, but The Preacher denies that he has allegiances to any one side of the sectarian divide. He says that he often works closely with the Catholic Church, for example helping to ween disgraced priests off minors by using critically acclaimed shearing and dipping techniques at his sheep farm.

The Preacher was originally booked to appear at Stirling Castle’s 2010 Hogmanay event but in a dramatic Ewe-turn he announced that he would instead be appearing with Glasgow’s Soul Band at their Hogmanay gig at the Park Hotel in Ayrshire. This is understood to be due to the recent confirmation of X-Factor reject, Wagner, as headliner. The Preacher said: “Fit like. I’m nae goin’ tae Stirling wi that cxxt there – he’s a fcuk’n weirdo!”.

The Preacher and Counselled Out will also be playing the following festive dates:

· Glasgow Marriott Hotel – Saturday 11th December (0141 226-5577).

· Hamilton Town House – Friday 17th & Saturday 18th December (01698-452299).

· The Park Hotel, Kilmarnock – 20th Anniversary Party – Sunday 26th December (01563-545999).

The Preacher will also be selling signed copies of his new book: “Tomorrow Belongs To Me – Is The Pope A Catholic?” at the Boxing Day gig.


- The Scottish National Enquirer (2010)

The founder of whistleblowing website Wikileaks has defended the organisation's decision to publish leaked UK Government confiscated videos.

Julian Assange told the BBC's Adam Brookes the videos were of "immense importance".

They suggest the government ignored evidence of torture by ITV, and are expected to reveal more than 15,000,000 previously unreported cases of abuse against civilians – through exposure to the live ‘X Factor’ shows on a Saturday night – when in fact real live music (as evidenced in the videos – example below) had been banned from public consumption by the previous labour government:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12reRAbbvHA

A government spokesman said this was indeed a grave injustice but the ‘situation had been entirely inherited from the previous labour regime’. However, during Prime Minister’s questions, Red Ed – more astute than the navigator of the submarine of the same name – claimed there was compelling evidence (allegedly a sworn affidavit by Tommy Sheridan) that the current foreign secretary, William Hague, had voted by text for camp duo ‘Diva Fever’. Unfortunately they were out (as was Hague almost himself) of the competition. This was initially denied by Hague but in a U-turn almost as dramatic as Wayne Rooney’s contract negotiations (apparently now on 250 grans a week), he confirmed that he had voted by text but had pressed the wrong button, having intended to vote for the mad Irish woman - the one with eyes scarier than an extradited catholic priest.




- The Scottish National Enquirer (2010)

The Counselled Out front-man Drew Robertson, who this week celebrates 40 years in showbusiness, was controversially asked to sing at the recent visit of the pope to Bellahouston Park – in between big Michelle and Subo (obviously not at the same time due to stage restrictions). Drew could only do the gig if he was on 2nd billing for 2 reasons:

Security reasons – social security (Drew was signing on that day).
He had another gig that afternoon (Mason Boyne’s funeral ‘do’ at the 505 Lodge in Hurlford).

Drew had asked to be paid 50% up-front: “it’s nuthin’ personal aboot the pope” he said “but you basturts have shagged more miners than Maggie Thatcher and the Chilean government combined!” So the deal was done – the pope’s representative had asked to meet in a sauna at the Galleon for the deposit but Drew wanted somewhere on his way back up to Glasgow, so they met at Onthank Community Centre – Drew got paid OK but there was an explosion just outside the centre (it caused £1m of improvements to the area) and Drew was delayed getting to Bellahouston. To make matters worse, he was arrested just as he stopped outside the security barrier – he had cycled in the last 2 miles and got lifted for holding a Raleigh.

Drew eventually got to the gig but his set had to be cut to one song – he decided to drop “Tomorrow Belongs To Me” (which had been requested by the pope) and only do the swing classic “That’s Life” which summed up his day. See video clip below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scONRR3TVBI

This song is a favourite of Drew’s – he had performed it at Mia Farrow’s 60th birthday party in 2005 and she had given him her own silk scarf as a special gift and he was wearing this on the day of the Bellahouston gig. Subo had been so moved by his performance that she burst into tears – Drew comforted her when he came off stage: “Whit’s wrang hen? Dry your eyes wae that”.

“That’s a lovely scarf” said Subo – where did you get it?”

Drew replied: “That’s the sash Mia Farra wore!”






- The Scottish National Enquirer (2010)

The Preacher was today in talks with his PR adviser, Max Clifford, after another alleged scandal involving ex-PM, Gordon Brown. Sources state that Mr. Brown is understood to have been speaking at a charity event in The Preacher’s home town of Hatton of Fintray, Aberdeenshire when he asked The Preacher, who was guest of honour at the event, when he had first touched cloth. The Preacher was obviously offended at the mere thought of touching cloth but Mr. Brown apologised and said that he of course meant when he had first been touched by the cloth. However, Mr. Brown then allegedly turned to his colleague and muttered “sheep shagging bxxxxxd” not realising that his microphone was still turned on.

A Scottish Labour party representative later tried to make a deal offering their backing for The Preacher to stand in the forthcoming Labour leader elections. When asked by the BBC if he was now likely to make a U-turn, The Preacher replied …”Ewe turn? I can make its fxxx’n eyes water!”

The Preacher will be appearing on Saturday 5th June with ‘Glasgow’s Soul Band’ - Counselled Out, who are celebrating their 20th anniversary at The Ferry, 25 Anderston Quay, Glasgow, G3 8BX.

Special guests for the event are Scotland’s Madness Tribute – Madnish.

Tickets are £8 plus booking fee and are available from the venue and on the door (a limited number of discounted tickets are also available from the band).

For more information on the event or the venue, please check-out: www.the-ferry.co.uk (£8 + b/fee).

BOOK NOW ON 01698 360085
- The Scottish National Enquirer (2010)

Counselled Out request your presence to help shake off the Xmas excesses at The Park Hotel, Rugby Park, Kilmarnock, Sunday 27th December - doors 8pm (disabled access 7.45pm). Over-18's only and primarily standing room only - tickets £10. Licensed until 12 midnight - and please, please - if you are driving, please make sure you have a car!
This is the band's 4th consecutive year at the 500 capacity venue and it is expected to be another sell-out. The band's full 10-piece line-up will be showcased in a 90 minute concert set featuring some of the old favourites but also new material. On the subject of cloth, a special mention goes out to our fabulous pianist/organist, The Preacher (formerly Salmon Dave), who only recently gave up life as a fisherman for his calling. The church was again rocked when Salmon Dave was ordained by the late James Brown - it would have been far less controversial if he had been a woman or even gay, but no, Salmon Dave is actually from Aberdeen! The church had originally refused his application, but in a significant Ewe turn, they backed-down due to pressure from a higher being - the Godfather of sole perhaps? The Preacher celebrated by ordering a Pizza - he asked them if they could deliver, but they said they could only do standard toppings. He opted for a thin and crispy supreme, so they brought him Diana Ross. We hope they are very happy together - certainly happier than during his first marriage. Salmon Dave left his wife because she wouldn't tell him when she climaxed - she said she didn't like to phone him when he was at work! He retorted by making her cry while making love - he phoned her up during it!
- CO Press Office (2009)

Band management have made a slight mistake - we promised keyboard player and born again christian Salmon Dave (aka "The Preacher") a gig at the 'We Free' centre in Kilmarnock. Unfortunately, we googled 'Wee Free - Kilmarnock' and found Wee Free Eweshaggerstrom from Sweden - booking agent for BJÖRN AGAIN. Before we knew it we were on the bill with the world's no. one ABBA party show at the Grand Hall in Kilmarnock - Friday 20th November (doors 7.30pm). Tickets are £17.50 and available from www. zisysavmn.co.uk and the venue booking office: 01563-554900.

BJÖRN AGAIN was created and founded in 1988 in Melbourne, AUSTRALIA by Director and Musician ROD STEPHEN. His show, not labelled a copy or tribute band, but seen as a satirical parody of ABBA and a brand in it’s own right, rapidly achieved worldwide cult status. Rod's production company bjornagain.com, based in Nth London, employs professional session singers and musicians and has grossed £35 Million GBP from 3,500 performances in 50 countries in 21 years in the Northern Hemisphere.
Glasgow's Soul Band - Counselled Out employs 9 professional drinkers and a musician and, according to its last tax return, grossed £35 from 1 gig in Saltcoats.
- The Swedish Extra (2009)

Local soul band Counselled Out celebrate their tenth anniversary with a special pre-Bank Holiday bash at King Tut's on Sunday evening. The 10-piece group, who combine new interpretations of classic soul oldies with original material, came together in 1990 for a "one-off" charity gig at the Renfrew Ferry. Tickets are £6 on the night. Doors open at 8.30pm. Support will be provided by Zoe Love. - Glasgow Evening Times (2000)

SeptembAyr's programme of racing, rock and recitals, concerts and comedy, poetry and pure pleasure starts on Thursday September 16 at Ayr Racecourse.....Counselled Out have headlined gigs throughout the UK, joined members of the original T-Rex at The Magnum, Irvine, and provided backing to a specially reformed Gallacher & Lyle and Deacon Blue at a fund-raiser for the 'SMART' music project. The band have enjoyed joint billing wth Elaine C. Smith, headlined at the 'European Village' at the Champions League Cup Final in Hampden in 2002, and played at the inaugural Common Ground Festival (featuring US gospel, soul and blues artistes). Perhaps best known in Ayrshire for seven consecutive sell-out gigs at Kilmarnock's Grand Hall, Counselled Out's strong Ayrshire connection continued with Burns an' a' that ealier this year - and culminates in the SeptembAyr party at Ayr Racecourse. Tickets £10 from Gaiety Theatre Box Office. - Scottish & Universal Newspapers - Ayrshire editions (2004)

Counselled Out, recent semi-finalists in the Rock 'n Pop wars at Nice 'n Sleazy, have just released a new album which is guaranteed NOT to make them millionaires! Not that 'Best Behaviour' has anything wrong with it - in fact, it should go down a storm with blues and soul fans old and young - but with NINE members in the group, sales in the Thriller bracket may be needed to net everyone seven figures! The album contains 13 tracks, mixing the local band's own compositions with some well known cover versions, such as Papa's Got A Brand New Bag and Respect Yourself. Counselled Out are playing at CC Browns in Greenock tonight and have a local date at the Under Canvas festival at the Wharf in Yoker on Saturday. - Glasgow Evening Times (1994)

Security chiefs have responded angrily to criticism of the chaos which followed Counselled Out's sellout show in Kilmarnock at the weekend. Hundreds of furious fans, many of them drunk, overwhelmed the handful of charity volunteers staffing the Grand Hall cloakroom at the end of the Glasgow soul band's concert. Some members of the public lost patience as they were told to wait in an ever-growing queue and stormed behind the counter in an attempt to help themselves to their coats and jackets. "It was absolute pandemonium", said one irate fan. "I really thought someone was going to be seriously hurt." A spokesman for the security company said "the same local charity had also manned the cloakroom at the previous year's event but the numbers were up massively and the cloakroom size and staff were simply not enough to cope. We took appropriate action by closing the cloakroom and distributing coats in the main hall. This did cause a big delay but no one was hurt and only one item of clothing was not returned to its rightful owner at the end of the night!" Said one furious woman "it was a great gig but I didn't get away until 4.30am!" A member of the band Counselled Out, who had delighted the 1,300 plus audience at the concert earlier in the evening, said "everyone had a great time at the gig and it's a shame that the night was marred by what happened at the end. It's ironic that the last gig in the venue anywhere near as busy as ours was the infamous 'Ballroom Blitz' gig 21 years ago when glam rockers The Sweet had to abandon their gig after a riot - we at least managed to finish the gig plus two encores!" - Kilmarnock Standard (1995)

...and Counselled Out had the whole room up on its feet. This spectacular live band had everyone chugging to the Love Train, racing to Mustang sally and shoogling those shoulders to the divine Soul Man. It was heavenly. - West FM DJ Suzie Maguire - Ayrshire Leader (1999)

Sweet soul music was played by the very talented band Counselled Out. This band of musicians have the guts to be themselves and enjoy sharing their music with others. There are no airs and graces with this band. They have worked hard over the years to perfect an excellent and professional sound appealing to all ages. Elaine C. Smith does a mean Mustang Sally herself. She shared the show with Counselled Out because, apart form being a great comedienne, she also is a talented singer on the same wavelength. In the words of Rab C. Nesbit.."Pure dead brilliant!" - Ayrshire Post (2000)

Ever watched singer Vonda Shepard groove her stuff at the piano bar in Ally McBeal? It seems the trend for clubs to have their own in-house band has now reached the UK. And most of Glasgow's large nightspots have their very own Vonda - well sort of. Whether its termed as cabaret , a tribute night or a live dance band - real musicians are coming to town and they don't play electronica or needle to the vinyl. It's as if the whole world's gone karaoke and the city centre is now shouting out the names of popular bands on their neon flyers. Bonkers in Hope Street have begun the blitz with Counselled Out - their very own 10-piece dance band for Thursday nights, playing classic covers and upbeat choons with the odd original thrown in. The band play two sets from 9.30pm until midnight. Says Eddie Tobin, operations director for Carnegies, who has worked with artists including Nazareth, Alex Harvey, Midge Ure and Billy Connolly for the last 30 years: "Clubs have had live bands for years but they were playing music no-one knew. Counselled Out play covers in a manner that's exciting and you can sweat to. It means that the casual customer will still enjoy the band. There's no substitute for live music." - Club Scene by Beverly Lyons - Glasgow Evening Times (1999)

The Brill Building studio's prestigious competition reached the semi-final stages at the Sauchiehall Street venue, Nice 'n Sleazy, last Thursday. First up were 9-piece revivalist soul/r&b group Counselled Out. The group were superbly slick and professional from vocalist OC Robertson through to drummer Iain Andrews. The five-strong judging panel agreed that a good living faced the group as a live proposition and there was potential to develop their own original material which will be featured in their debut CD, Best Behaviour, which is out next month. - Glasgow Evening Times (1994)

Few bands can really shake a crowd. Counselled Out come pretty damn close to it. To a city that has been lacking quality Soul, they are a welcome sight. Their powerful front vocal duo and three-piece brass section deliver a thunderous sound that takes you back to the 'good ole days'. Although their music has always been popular, a certain retrospective has ocurred over the last few years. They depend heavily on the old classics ('Knock On Wood' and 'Respect Yourself' amongst their best), but the band is also currently promoting its own compositions featured on the debut CD " Best Behaviour" - which contains four original tracks. It's possible that their true vocation is live performance - this band's power can give you one of those rare frissions down your spine! - Review of 'Under Canvas' Festival, Yoker - Meantime Magazine (1994)

...Also on the bill is top Glasgow soul band Counselled Out. The nine-piece have been headlining parties all over Europe since they first hit the stage in 1990, and they are now one of the country's best live acts. - The Sun (2007)