Damian Cole

Damian Cole


I am a musical/stand-up comedian armed with 15 original songs, a guitar, and over an hour of stand-up material consisting of witty one liners, word play, and intelligent dark/vulgar humor. When it comes down to it, I'm just a dude with a voice that no one's heard of - yet.


I am a musical/stand-up comedian and a graduate student at Carnegie Mellon University. I began performing stand-up in Pittsburgh when I was 18 years-old, and added a guitar to my arsenal when I was 20.

I grew up watching Eddie Murphy, Steven Wright, Stephen Lynch, and Louis C.K. - all people that had their very own distinct style. These comedians ignited my craving for originality, which is evident in my material. Comedy was also an outlet for me to focus on being happy, and making others happy. There is so much negative energy in this world, and performing on stage is one way that I like to think that I can bring myself and others to a positive place. It's okay to discuss the negative, just don't live in it.

Please check out the links below to see some live video of my performances on my YouTube Channel, and to follow me on twitter and facebook.

Thank you,


What Friends Are For (SXSW)

Written By: Damian Cole

This is a first, now I've seen your worst,
As you wibble and wobble from quenching your thirst.

The alcohol spread, impaired your head,
Now you want to drive home to sleep in your bed.

But you need your keys - to start up your car,
But they're inside my pocket so you won't go far.

You can't even stand, but still you command,
For your keys back, but I, ignore your demand--

Because, through the thick and the thin,
Your my best friend,
And I will look out for you,
Until the end,
So I'll teach you this lesson,
Just listen to me,
I won't let you go,
I won't give you the keys---

Until you say please.

Rape, My Son

Written By: Damian Cole

What should we name our child,
'Cus everything seems to be taken,
But I've had one in mind for awhile,
I think that it honestly fits him.

'Cus when she became, pregnant I was stripped,
Of the fun in life, and missed out on my dreams
These diapers symbolize, my current life,
It's full of shit that I don't want or need.

My intention was to get laid, but then this child was made
Along with my future without my consent,
Which is why I named my child Rape---

We lost in the mall once, so we screamed his name and cried, "Rape!"

The first time I heard Rape whistle was at the age of five. (Attempt to whistle)

I remember when he had sex for the very first time,
'Cus the cops came to our house next, and said she screamed his name twice-----nice.

But Sadly there was a price to pay
My son went to jail, and he got his-named.
Rape will never be the same.

I've Got the Blues

Written By: Damian Cole

Now I've been kind of blue,
For a couple months now - oooo,
So I went to this dude, a doctor who,
Diagnosed my issue.

The Doc said, you're pretty screwed.
From all these sores and warts, ewww.
It's not crabs in your pubes,
And it's not herpes dude,
You've got the blues.

So I said, Doctor Doctor what does this mean And he said-
"Lucky you found a new STD"
So thanks to every condom that I didn't use---
I've got the blues.

No type of protection,
Could ever seal this erection, oh no,
But it's too late for correction,
I am infected, with--the blues

It wasn't long before news,
Suddenly got loose,
So now my privates are use-less it's the truth
No one wants my, dick.

Dear female population on this Earth
My name is Damian Cole, not Papa Smurf,
And if you reach in my pants you just might find a clue---
(Blues Clues sound) "Bow Bow Bow"

What is this, what do I see,
A girl that's blue comin right at me,
And when I mean blue I don't mean sad,
I mean, she's the grossest girl I've ever had, so,

One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three get ready--oops I already came,

I'm sorry. That's a first I guess I owe you, and also,
I forgot to mention ma'am, I've got the blues,
And she said, "An STD? Oh please, I've got a few---
I'm a prostitute."

Set List

It depends on the amount of stage time.