David Jaggard

David Jaggard

 Paris, Île-de-France, FRA
BandClassicalJazz

I am a composer who likes to write music in virtually all styles and genres, including songs with humorous lyrics as well as classical and jazz-based instrumental numbers.

Biography

I am a classically trained composer and pianist, born and educated in the US and now living in France. I also write prose. My satire pieces have appeared on various websites, including mcsweeneys.net

Lyrics

Everyone's In Love But You

Written By: David Jaggard

You've really done it this time, now you've gone too far,
You wrecked your reputation and you totalled your car.
Your lady friend is on the phone to say you're through,
Now everyone's in love but you.

After seven bourbons it was all a blur,
You woke up in the mornin' wonderin' where you were.
You're nowhere, 'cause she's leavin' you for someone new
Everyone's in love but you.

Did you ever get the feelin' that around the world
Every guy but you is goin' with a gorgeous girl?
Well this ain't just a feelin', Jack, it's stone cold true:
Everyone's in love but you.

A most peculiar situation reigns today:
Every single person in the USA
Has someone for givin' lovin' and reception
But look in the mirror, you'll see a glaring exception.

New Hampshire changed its motto to "Love free or try",
Panhandlers down in Texas have what money can't buy,
In Maryland they're goin' hoarse from sayin' "I do",
Everyone's in love but you-know-who. . .

A recent global census counted everyone
In every single country down here under the sun
The total clearly shows beyond a shadow of doubt:
The number came out odd and you're the odd one out.

The people down in Paraguay go out in pairs,
In Chile everybody's havin' hot affairs,
Brazil is goin' nuts because they've all been matched,
Everyone but you's attached.

In romance there's a lot of English on the ball,
Australians get to first before they learn to crawl,
The French are tickled pink and sayin' ooh-la-la,
Everyone's in love but toi.

There's Arabians stampeding down the bridal path,
There's His 'n' Hers towels at every Turkish bath,
There's Chinese skippin' fire drills to meet for tea,
Everyone's in love but yee.

The latest explorations into outer space
Prove that Planet Earth is not the only place
Inhabited by beings who seek lovin' mates.
But don't get your hopes up -- they've all got dates.

They're swappin' rings on Saturn every Saturday night,
There's couples on the moon, but they stay out of sight.
But they're not on the shady side because they're shy,
E. I. L. but Y.

If you can't hold your liquor you just shouldn't drink,
You should have had the sense to pour it down the sink.
Now your excuses won't hold water and she won't hold you
Admit that what I say is true:

'Cause everyone's in love, but
You just got the shove, you're
Cryin' in your brew, you're
Really in a stew, you
Met your Waterloo when
She said "toodleoo", your
Heart is broke in two, your
Hankie's soakin' through, your
Face is turnin' blue, you're
Regrettin' your tattoo, you
Feel like residue from
Underneath a shoe, 'cause
Everyone and everybody
Everywhere, we made a study:
Everyone's in love but Y. - O. - U.

Story of the Universe... And So On

Written By: David Jaggard

Story of the Universe, God, Your Life, Sex, Death, And So On

You've heard the one about ABC.
You know that Frankie loves Johnny and Jesus loves me.
You heard about the Old Man and where he played knack.
You know what MacDonald had and where he kept the quack.
There's the one about the cockroach, the cheese in the dell,
Valderi, funicula, and Gloria in Excel...
Well, this one covers just about everything el ... se.

Now in the beginning was impenetrable night
'till somebody stopped and asked God for a light
and he created the universe, and so on.
Then he filled the globe with flora and fauna
Prob'ly took out the garbage, watered the lawn,
and on the seventh day: TV, beer, and so on.

Now we're not too sure, 'cause the record's in Greek,
just what God did in the second week,
But eventually His work was done,
He waited a while and sent His son
(yeah, even though He never did marry the wife)
just to give us a crack at eternal life, and so on
so on and so on and so on.
Yeah, and so on... and so forth.

Well you either buy that or the astronomy boys
Who say that there once was a sizeable noise
that resulted in planets, stars, galaxies, and so on.
Then it was Eocene, Neocene, Pleistocene, Now.
Some species evolved and figured out how
to walk upright, oppose their thumbs, and so on.
Then some of them took the fortunate chance
of begetting your great-great-etcetera-ancestors
Finally the line comes down to you,
Get born, grow up, a diploma or two,
And then if you're a guy you find you a spouse,
She slowly unbuttons her diaphanous blouse, and so on,
so on and so on and so on.
Yeah, and so on... et-cetera.

Coffee, meat, alcohol, pineapple juice
You work, earn, play, spend, reproduce
and pay the phone bill, and so on.
And that's pretty much it, but for the occasional flu,
you go through life or it goes through you
till it rattles your rib cage.
Then after that, we really don't know,
Some say we stick around here or go
to some other place where the weather's consistently
cool or hot, while others insist that we get
sent right back to the maternity ward
and start over again throughout eternity, Lord! and so on,
so on and so on and so on.
Yeah, and so on ... Undsoweiter...

Discography

I have had piano pieces and electronic pieces recorded professionally and released on small labels, including Music and Arts ("American Piano Music of Our Time" performed by Ursula Oppens), New Albion, Vox Novus and Sonic Circuits.

Set List

I do not give live performances at this time, so this question is not applicable to me. I do play piano and sing (sort of) and have been known to perform in public.