Carla U

Carla U

BandComedyAcoustic

Coming Nov. 10: Independent film entitled "F**K" features comedic songwriter Carla Ulbrich (smart, funny lyrics backed by acoustic guitar playing.)

Biography

Coming Nov. 10: Independent film entitled "F**K" features comedic songwriter.

Do you like the F-word? Here's your chance to hear it more than 800 times in one feature film. This movie breaks the Guinness Book record for the number of times the F word is used in one film.

"F**K" (A F**kumentary), to be released on Nov. 10, takes a look at the infamous F-word, from both the liberal and conservative perspective. It's a word at the very center of the debate on free speech. The film was direected by Steve Anderson, and is distributed by Thinkfilm, the same bunch of folks who brought you "The Aristrocrats" last year (the documentary about the filthy joke, not the Disney cartoon about felines).

The film features interviews with all sorts of folks, from Pat Boone to Ice-T to Hunter S Thompson (his last interview).

And the very first thing you hear at the beginning of the film is Carla Ulbrich's song 'If I Had the Copyright" ("The F word song"), a song she penned about the popularity of the word, and how rich she would be if she could copyright it.

Carla Ulbrich has been compared to the likes of Weird Al, Chet Atkins and a bologna sandwich.

A better guitar player than most bologna sandwiches, the South Carolina native has relocated to New Jersey, where the F word flows freely. She released 3 CDs: Her Fabulous Debut (1999), Professional Smart Aleck (2003) and Sick Humor (2004).

Her songs have been heard on Dr. Demento, the BBC, XM radio, Sirius Satellite, PAX TV, USA network, and numerous NPR stations and podcasts. Carla tours all over the country, appearing at venues such as The Bluebird Cafe and Eddie's Attic, festivals including Kerrville and Falcon Ridge, medical and nursing conventions, concert series, comedy clubs, churches, science fiction conventions, colleges, and other seemingly incongruent locations.

An otherwise "clean" comedian, Carla wrote "If I had the Copyright" after 2 people told her is was the worst idea they'd ever heard for a song, and recorded it after another friend warned her it would ruin her career. "You have to *have* a career for it to get ruined," she retorted.

While, indeed, she has been fired from a gig for singing the F-word song, ending up as the first song in a full-length documentary isn't too bad a consolation prize.

learn more about the film:
http://www.fourletterfilm.com/trailer.htm

learn more about Carla, hire her to come perform, or set up an interview, at
www.carlau.com
carlau@mindspring.com
(908) 616-3482

Lyrics

If I had the Copyright

Written By: Carla Ulbrich

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!
I'd say ---- this job and yourself you dumb ~~~~
No need for hard work and no need for luck
If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!

It's filthy it's nasty unseemly and vile
That all may be true but it's so versatile
So often deleted this fine expletive
Is a verb a noun and an adjective

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!
I'd have no need for dad-gum dang darn shoot or shucks
No need for hard work and no need for luck
If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!

Not a gasp not a sigh from my mouth would be heard
Nope just a cha-ching when I hear the F word
If people got jealous of all of my wealth
I'd tell them to copyright %$#*, $#@* and !$&*&$!

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!
It would roll off my tongue like water off a duck
4-letter word usages perfectly honed
I could retire on New York alone

Where the say #$^% the #$^%ing mother #$^%ers
I don't give a #$^%
If they can't #$^%ing take #$^%ing joke then hey what
the #$^%
The #$^%ers will #$^% you so don't get #$^%ed up
Quit #$^%in' around or you're gonna get #$^%ed

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!
I'd say *%&^% this job and yourself you dumb #^%$#
No need for hard work and no need for luck
If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!

copyright 2000 Carla Ulbrich (ASCAP)
pub Carla U publishing

I Have to Kill You now

Written By: Carla Ulbrich

It was late in the evening
I was tired I was ill
I was feeling really groggy
From taking too much Benadryl
So you called and we talked for 5 hours
And I don't remember a thing
Except before I hung up the phone
I do remember saying

I have to kill you now
You know more than I can allow
Unless you can forget somehow
I have to kill you now

I could speculate
on what I might have said
Was it how I flunked the seventh grade
How my high school friends called me Smurfette
Did I rattle on about my cat
And talk about my allergies
And I wonder did I blab
about my stay in drug rehab

I have to kill you now
You know more than I can allow
I could extradite you to Moscow
Or I could kill you now

The way most people see me
I’m hardly ever serious
Fun loving easy going
And a tad mysterious
You with your tape recorder
You with your Smith-Corona
One published article
Could peel away my whole persona

I have to kill you now
You know more than I can allow
I will let you choose how
But I have to kill you now

So you wonder did I kill him
And is all the other stuff true
I cannot reveal those things
‘cause then I’d have to kill you too

I have to kill you now
You know more than I can allow
You've lived a good life anyhow
I have to kill you now

What If Your Butt Was Gone

Written By: Carla Ulbrich

I was just wondering — hypothetically
What would you do? Theoretically
If something should happen accidentally or medically
What if your butt was gone?

If sitting in a wooden chair felt like tacks
And you found you had nothing to hold up your slacks
’Cause instead of a butt you now had just a crack
Well something would have it be done

Would you write “Dear Abby” for advice in a letter
Put a cushion in your chair to make it feel better
Try to fatten up with brie and cheddar
What if your butt was gone?

If your butt disappeared without a trace
And everyone looked all over the place
Why do you have that look on your face?
Hey it could happen to you

If that booty petootie that sweet derriere
Were now inexplicably no longer there
How soon would you miss it? How much would you care?
And what do you think you would do?

Would you call me up
Would you fall to pieces
Would you make it the topic of your doctoral thesis
Try to go out and find a prosthesis
What if your butt was gone?

A butt, as you know, can be skinny or fat
Dimpled or pimpled, curvy or flat
Like an opinion, everyone’s got one
But what if your butt was suddenly not one

If something should happen hypothetically
What would you do? Theoretically
If something should happen accidentally or medically
What if your butt was gone?

Would you call me up
Would you start confiding
How you tried to make it grow with fluorescent lighting
How you had to give up horseback riding
What if your butt was gone?

Would you realize there’s a good selection
Shopping for clothes in the children’s section
Go to your closet and make a commotion
Take all your pants and throw ’em in the ocean

Does your butt hang low
Does it wobble to and fro
Can you tie it in a knot
Can you tie it in a bow
Can you sling it over your shoulder
Like a continental soldier
What if your butt was gone?

Discography

"If I Had the Copyright" (The F word song) (single), 2006
"Sick Humor" (CD), 2004
"Professional Smart Aleck" (CD), 2003
"Her Fabulous Debut" (CD), 2000

Set List

"If I Had the Copyright" (The F word song)
"I have To Kill You Now"
"What if Your Butt Was Gone"
"Please Do Something Stupid"
"Nothing to Say"
"Toasted Chicken Sandwich"
"(I don't like) Corny Schlocky Sappy Songs"
"Sex Ex Medley"
"Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" (duet with Klingon)
"The Wedgy"
"On the Commode Again"