Honest Abe

Iain Blair was born in the Ukraine during the Soviet era. After the USSR dissolved, he traveled across Europe and eventually swam across the Atlantic Ocean at the ripe age of 4. He continued his journey in the United States until his senses told him that he should stop in Chanute, Kansas. He began playing guitar at age 7 and practiced at least 38 hours a day until he mastered the instrument.

Jacob Guiot was born inside of Mount St. Helens. Jacob (in egg form) was erupted from the volcano on May 18, 1980. It lay dormant for 12 years until a Peregrine Falcon fertilized the egg; making Guiot half Peregrine Falcon and half volcano. He was raised by a family of humans in Chanute, Kansas. He began playing the bass guitar after his wings fell off and arms grew. Which was, approximately, three days ago. Many consider Guiot to be a bass virtuoso.

Iain and Guiot formed Honest Abe out of a love for jesus, a desire to make great music, and mainly, boredom. They began playing in late December, writing several songs.

They found ex-marine Steve lying on a beach, when asked if he could play drums Steve responded "yeah, duh." He was then added to the band. Steve castrated himself, ate a steak dinner and went to bible study before consulting medical experts to avoid infection the following day.

They added Dean Corbett as their singer. He'll kick your butt. Then eat it, sautéed with onions and mushrooms in a tasty meat sauce, with a classy, but also very tasty Merlot.

Steve bled to death the day after castrating himself. The band is in search of someone else to fill in on drums.

Not long after Steve bled to death the remaining members found Keenan among a pack of wolves, they killed the wolves with their own bare hands and asked him if he could play drums. Luckily for Honest Abe Keenan learned to play drums beating on the skins of dead carrion (wolves love eating carrion, I've heard). He was promptly added to the band.

Now that Honest Abe had a solid lineup, they decided they should record to let everyone hear the ferocity and virtuosity of their music. They recorded non-stop for a whole week and were abelt to record at least 908 songs. They chose the top 4 songs to put on their CDEP "Emancipate Me, Baby!"

The band decided that too add another vocalist to round out the sound. So the band flew to the Amazon Jungle in Colombia and fought off cocaine traffickers to a remote village upon a mountain-top. The chief challegned them to battle of "your-mom" jokes. Honest Abe barely won and were able to select one of the villagers to take home with them. They selected Tupinambá which they re-named Jordan. He was added to the band as the second vocalist.

Unfortunately Guiot was kidnapped by fervent NAMBLA supporters who sprayed lysol in his eyes, causing substantial but temporary damage to his eyes. Blinded, they were able to drag him to their cave where he was mercilessly raped and killed.

Jordan moved away to college.

Now without a bassist Honest Abe was left wandering the world, damaged and unpredictable. While under the influence of 2895 menthol cigarettes (each), they stumbled upon a cottage in the woods. Once inside they saw a wizard practicing his spells. One thing you must know about Honest Abe is that they all hate wizards, warlocks, witches, magicians, and magikarps. The remaining members of Honest Abe fought the wizard-in-training and brought him an inch from his life. Before killing him the wizard pleaded for mercy, which Honest Abe gave to the wizard. Fortunately for Honest Abe, the wizard had some mad bass skills and was added to the band. This is the story of Tucker.

This is 100% true.