Jeff Essex

Jeff Essex

BandComedyBlues

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Lyrics

Eight Grains Too Many

Written By: Jeff Essex

Well, I went to the doctor to get my physical
I said I felt fine, he said "You should be miserable.
Your blood pressure's high and your cholesterol is off the chart."

He asked me what I had for breakfast, I said "Eggs and bacon"
Then his finger started waggin' and his head was shakin'
He said "Start eatin' right son, before you go and stop your heart."
I said, but doc y'know....

Chorus
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Nine grain bread is eight grains too many
If that's the only kind of grub I'll get, well, I'd rather not have any
I like my potatoes drowned in butter and sour cream
So don't make me eat the low fat spread
'Cause if my favorite food won't keep me alive
Well, brother, I'd rather be dead.

So the doc called my wife who put me on a diet
She said "I got a recipe and you're gonna try it."
She went out to shop till she filled up the back of my truck.

I was hauling in bags and trying not to panic
'Cause I saw from the labels it was all organic
But when I saw the tofu, well I knew I was outta luck.
I started hollerin'...

Chorus
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Nine grain bread is eight grains too many
If that's the only kind of grub I'll get, well, I'd rather not have any
I like a stack of salami, Velveeta and mayo
In between some Wonder Bread
'Cause if my favorite food won't keep me alive
Well, brother, I'd rather be dead.

Who wants to be a survivor
When you're stuck eating fiber
And counting calories like a slave?
I plan on getting thin
When I'm lying in
My grave

There's a funeral today, we'll be buryin'
An old pal of mine, he was a vegetarian
He was killed by a dinner party at his health food store.

We ate a huge pot of beans 'cause he'd cooked them all for us
And pretty soon the air was mighty sulphurous
And one by one we were making excuses, and sneaking out the door.

When I got home, I was hopin'
He'd remember to leave his window open
But when he didn't make it to work the next morning,
We learned of his demise.

I know his ghost is here 'cause the window rattles
Every time I stay up and watch Blazing Saddles
I only wish he'd have listened to my advice
I tried to tell him that

Chorus
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Nine grain bread is eight grains too many
If that's the only kind of grub I'll get, well, I'd rather not have any
I'll wind up psychotic eating macrobiotic
Just let me starve instead
'Cause if my favorite food won't keep me alive
Well, brother, I'd rather be dead.