Maria Falzone

The ideal coupling of comedy and sexuality united last Monday night in
Oechsle, when comedian Maria Falzone announced her rules for improved sexual
wellness, safety, and pleasure to a receptive crowd of Lafayette students.

The self-proclaimed 'sex-pert' - so-called because she "has great sex" - uses
her own life experiences to help college students confront problems in their
sexual relationships and promote safer practices.

"A lot of us have little to no information about sex, and nobody ever teaches
you how to have great sex," said Falzone. "[I do this], because I wish someone
had done this [for] me."

The key to Falzone's roadmap to sexual fulfillment is to know yourself
mentally, emotionally, and most importantly, physically. "I'm the biggest fan
of masturbation," Falzone said. "I masturbate every day, I have cruise control
for that reason!"

And she wasn't afraid to inform the audience of her multi-condom techniques
and affection for Astroglide. Falzone boldly proclaimed KY Jelly to be the
anti-Christ of lube, and she urged students to petition Bailey's Health Center
to provide free lube in addition to condoms. To Falzone, the remedy is simple:
"You cannot have great sex with someone else until you can have great sex with
yourself," she said.

Falzone encouraged everyone to question authority when it comes to sexuality,
because there are limitations in parents' awkward sex-talks, especially if
they are anything like her feisty Italian mother's comment: "If you sleep in
the same bed as a man, you will have a baby!"

Interspersed between the laughs were serious recollections prompting all in
attendance to take a new look at how society handles sex. "You get one
[message] from the government, family, and church, which is that sex is
shameful, and one [message] from the media, television, and the movies; DO
IT!" said Falzone.

Falzone insists that sex should never be initiated under the influence of
alcohol or drugs. "I'd meet someone, date them, get s***-faced, and hope for
the best!" said Falzone. "If you have sex that way, you make society right."

Through her off-the-wall style, Falzone tries to help her audience by mixing
comedy with serious revelations she has arrived at from her own experience.
"My wake up call was when I got herpes," she said, "I believed that it was a
blessing, I could have gotten AIDS or chlamydia instead, and I started this
journey of sexual healing."

If you missed Monday's performance and are still looking to take part in the
week's 'festivities,' this evening's program in Oechsle is "Beyond Sex and the
Exotic Other." - Jeffrey Shoemaker