Rena Jae

-Rena Jae-
"Waiting For The Fall"
(Autobiography in Four Short Chapters)

Chapter 1- "This Ride Is Not For Those With Heart Conditions"
My life has always been a roller coaster. It’s like a seven-story high, three mile long contraption of force and velocity with two and only two objectives: develop my prayer life and shake loose change out of my pockets. There was always one person in line ahead of me who’d say "I’ve been on this one seven times and it only gets better." But I could never share their optimism.

You see, I lived the earliest years of my life in uncertainty of what each day would bring. My mom was serving a sentence for the ultimate crime: loving the wrong man. Waiting for my drunken stepfather to sober up felt like the eternity it takes for the coaster to reach the summit. And then you just hang there for a moment, dreading the sinking feeling in your stomach when you fall.

Chapter 2- "Taking The First Turn At Full Speed"
After the fall, fear grips you and you grip the closest thing to you. I was usually too afraid to open my eyes and the pressure on my chest made it too hard to even scream. But this was always the moment when things would level off and I found myself coasting at full speed. God is always on time with reprieve.

My mother eventually had the strength to leave and take me with her to make a fresh start. It was the first time in my life I felt free to appreciate the sun on my face, the wind in my hair and life whizzing by at 100 mph. I started to hear songs, a lyrical soundtrack of life.

Chapter 3- "The Loop To Loop"
Well, it isn’t really a roller coaster without a few loop to loops. For reasons I couldn’t understand, this always seemed to be the favorite part of the ride for the optimist in line ahead of me. I could do just fine without them however.

Unfortunately, my newfound freedom proved to be short lived. My mother became ill after a period of time and we were separated so we could both be cared for. I was now surrounded by strangers called family that were there to groom me into adulthood. I still heard songs, but they were very different now. My odes of liberation turned to ballads of determination. I was determined to escape, determined to heal and determined to live. In spite of my circumstances, I knew the loop to loop would pass and I would be coasting again if I hung in there.

Chapter 4 – "Coasting To The End"
I escaped insecurity by singing, playing music and writing songs. It was my way of releasing my inner being without the constraints of rules. I could be anyone I wanted at that moment. Music assured me that no matter how hard the coaster threw me around, I would certainly get back on.

Now when the coaster reaches the summit I don’t close my eyes. I throw my hands up and scream. No, I don’t scream for fear of the fall, but rather I scream in anticipation of the songs that are sure to follow. I’m now the optimist in the front of the line.

"Put the CD in, secure all loose articles and keep your hands inside the car at all times…"

-Rena Jae