Schaffer the Darklord

Schaffer the Darklord

 New York City, New York, USA
BandHip HopComedy

New York City-based rapper and comedian with material best suited for brainy and/or drug-addled audiences. Imagine a Frankenstein-esque monster assembled from equal parts Prince, Ozzy Osbourne, Bill Hicks, Eminem and Darth Vader stitched together inside the shell of a jaded heavy metal ex-patriot.

Biography

Schaffer the Darklord (or STD) is a New York City-based rapper and comedian with material best-suited for brainy and/or drug-addled audiences. With manic energy, verbose vocabulary and cartoonishly commanding stage presence, STD skewers such topics as religious zombies, sci-fi sex fantasies, grammar snobbery and obsessive cat-enthusiasts. Imagine a Frankenstein-esque monster assembled from equal parts Bill Hicks, Eminem, Prince, Ozzy Osbourne and Darth Vader, stitched together inside the shell of a maniacal heavy metal ex-patriot. STD has released three full-length albums and toured the country with mc chris, MC Frontalot and MC Lars. When he's not on the road, he guest hosts countless burlesque events. He also co-produces and co-hosts his own nerdy, themed production, EPIC WIN Burlesque. His releases (2004's "Meet My Maker," 2007's "Mark of the Beast" and 2009's "Manslaughterer") have been treated to steady sales and second pressings, and the music video for his single "The Rappist" has garnered a half million views on YouTube. STD continues to write, record and perform with great frequency and has no intention of giving up until his masochist rock-n-roll lifestyle destroys him.

"He's good."
-Jello Biafra

Lyrics

The Rappist

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

Don’t call it hip hop, because it really isn’t
If you listen it’s similar, but just a little different
Rhythmically delivered lyrics over wicked beats
Are the end of this and hip hop’s similarities

Cuz I don’t bounce and I don’t do rap hands
See? Look at me, I look like an ass, man
No crew, no gin & juice
I’m no Dr. Dre, I’m more like Dr. Seuss

I wouldn’t use the word “rapper,” it’s rather inaccurate
I do talk fast & use rhyming words like “immaculate”
Hubba Bubba bubblegum Bubbalicious Bubble Yum
Rubber baby buggy bumpers (this is dumb)

I don’t rap about the ladies, all or individuals
Or call my bitching about the world political
I don’t send shout-outs I don’t ever front
I just discuss a bunch of goofy stuff and say “what!”

Well I’m not the baddest or the fastest or the phattest
But my name is STD, my people call me the rappist
I’m no rapper, this isn’t hip hop
Call me the rappist and you don’t stop

Everyone will wonder what the booker was under
When I come on out and step to the mic
You were asking for a rapper instead you got the rappist
And it happens that there’s no one I’m like - (outta sight)

I don’t freestyle, I only write my words
And I’m singing it, to me winging it’s for the birds
I often get asked to by non-rapping band nerds
STD is the abbreviation for “standard”

No DJ, no need for turntables
Just gimme my box, a 58 and a cable
An onstage DI and some monitors too
But keep the reverb off the mix soundman thank you

And I don’t play tough and say “step the fuck back!”
What the fuck is that? That’s not how I act.
I like to keep my audience up close to the stage
I’d rather you stay than chased away when I play

So where’s Queens at? Where’s Queens at?
Dude, let me show you on this street map
It’s right here, over Roosevelt across the East River
That’s enough of this crap I got some raps to deliver

Everybody - Look at me - Who’s he? - He’s STD
He’s a geek he’s no MC who the hell’s he supposed to be?
And he’s so - I don’t know - but I know he’s no rapper, and that’s when I go

Hotel, Motel,
Holiday Inn
Killer outasight it’s the rappist’s delight
When goosebumps are jumping out of your skin (I win)

I don’t dance never not a goddamn chance
I stand in the back clutching a cup in my stance
One hand in my pocket head nodding hunched over
Sipping cheap yellow beer, clear out before the show’s over

When a rapper says “throw your hands up” I don’t
And when a rapper says “make some noise” I won’t
Bossing your audience is awfully pompous
So I’ll never do it, that’s the STD promise

And I’ll never battle rap or act like I’m black
And I’ll try to never lose sight of just where I’m at
Goddammit - and I’ll never do THAT again
And by “that” I mean end a sentence with a preposition

But I got props for the real hip hop
Those who pop-n-lock to the beat of a boom box
Those who cock their glocks and bawk “Fuck the cops.”
It’s just not how I rock, and I don’t stop

Everybody - Look at me - Who’s he? - He’s STD
He’s a geek he’s no MC who the hell’s he supposed to be?
And he’s so - I don’t know - but I know he’s no rapper, and that’s when I go

Don’t push me cuz I’m close to the edge
And I’m trying not to lose my head (uh-huh huh huh huh)
In the west I’m the raddest I’m the best I’m the rappist
In the street I’ve not a drop of cred (I said)

I almost always write my rhymes on a page
Of 3x5 notebooks I buy at Rite Aid
And I like to write them with a Pilot Precise 5
Rolling ball black ink in extra fine

I don’t need a tititular line
I try to stick to the theme and write original rhymes
Indeed I smoke weed I rarely write without it
But I don’t really feel that means I need to rap about it

I guess I often write a song by my formula
Which is 3 verses followed by 3 choruses
But never open going “yo yo”
When I hear rappers do that I go “oh no”

Though I’m not implying that you don’t know what you’re doing
But oftentimes awful rhymes do ruin
An otherwise perfectly fine instrumental
I think you should avoid ink and write with a pencil

And erase the parts that don’t sound so hot
This’ll all be covered when you take my workshop
Entitled “This is how to write a rhyme”
At least it’s how to write it in the style that’s mine

Everybody - Look at me - Who’s he? - He’s STD
He’s a geek he’s no MC who the hell’s he supposed to be?
And he’s so - I don’t know - but I know he’s no rapper, and that’s when I go

Woo-woo that’s the sound of the police
But I really doubt they’re coming for me
Cuz I’ve done no crime I’m just doing my thing
I’m the rappist known as STD

Don’t call it hip hop, because it really isn’t
It’s a little bit different did you listen as I did it?
I just spit a mile a minute, now I’ll hit it and quit it
I’m only kidding, you with it? you in it? you get it?

Well I’m not the baddest or the fastest or the phattest
But my name is STD, my people call me the rappist

Bass -

Revenge of Attack of the Clonef*cker

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

I’ve seen the future...so bright, I gotta wear shades
And it’s hotter than Hades, and everyone’ll have AIDS
And robot brigades at war with the humans
Machine against man, and the planet’s in ruins

But by then we will have mastered the craft
Of creating clone soldiers so we don’t have
To come out of hiding fighting, and we just might outlast
This battle without time travel back to the past

But as some of the cloners grow older
Narcissistic fiends like me will take over
And once I’m trained, unsupervised and alone
I’m gonna fuck my clone

My sci-fi fantasy
will begin innocently
Making these clones that look just like me will get boring
And so I’ll get curious and horny

And I’ll sneak one of my clones back to my room
In a janitor’s basket hidden in with the brooms
I’ll clean him up and dress him, and I’ll make him look sharp
He’s so goddamn cute I think I’ll name him Mark

Oh my! Look at my new toy!
He’ll be my best friend, lover and house boy
And we’ll take it slow the first time
Then I’ll do whatever whenever I want cuz he’s mine

I’ll ply him with liquor, but just little sips
And oh, how I’ll love to kiss his big lucisous lips
Even though he’s a guy and even though I’m not gay
I’m so vain I’ll be fucking my own clone all day

Both are top and bottom, on my knees I’ll realize
That from down here it really is a good size
Get down to business, kiss and touch then switch
and I can call him “bitch”

CHORUS:
Clonefucker, it’ll be like humping a mirror
Oh won’t you touch me right here, I’ll whisper into my ear
Sick and addicted like so many are to power or wealth
The clonefucker will chuckle, knucklehead, go fuck yourself

And doesn’t that sound fun?
Then I’m done take a break, and I’ll make another one
Then I’ll have two clones, what’ll I do?
I’ll have Mark watch as I break in Mark 2

And we hum, it’ll be an all-me threesome
Sucking and fucking till all three cum
And in between sessions we’ll rest
Mark will rub my feet I’ll shave Mark 2’s chest

Now you might think I’m a freak that’s real lucky
Cuz my clones don’t speak they only moan and say “fuck me”
And I’ll never have to date ‘em or break up
I’ll dress em how I like and make ‘em all wear make-up

All clones are supposed to remain virgins
But mine will be exposed to all kinds of perversions
I’ll make dirty videos of my clones
But I’ll have to watch them with them cuz I’m never alone

It’ll be me watching me fucking me and also me
On the TV screen you see that’s 12 of me, do you?
Cuz on the couch there’s also me fucking me and me
And watching the tv and there’s a mirror in the room too

This many’s not plenty so one day
I’ll make a third clone and bring him home and call him Trey
He’ll be handsome, the others are cute
I’ll dress that dapper little bastard in my suit

Now with three they’ll be less like toys
They’ll start to learn and think, and when they’re bored they’ll make noise
So I’ll have to keep them busy and plenty entertained
It’s a hardcore darklord gangbang

One’s from behind, and one’s in my face
And the third is jerking off patiently while he waits
And we’ll have to keep it up all night in spite of the moaning
So I can wear them out before work in the morning

By now my little secret will have grown to compulsion
Around my fellow cloners I’ll have boners all bulging
And my boss will start to think I’m a prick
Cuz I’ll always be home calling in sick

CHORUS:

Now in the future cloners won’t make much money
And with all of my time off, it won’t even be funny
Flat-ass broke with no hope for loans
Unable to feed ME...let alone my clones

And the first one won’t be looking so hot
He’s skinny and pale and malnourished and whatnot
The oldest of 8 brothers living together
In a tiny little future room and worse for the weather

And the room will stink of piss, shit, sweat and cum
And some of the clones unbathed are covered in scum
And I’ll wonder if none of this could ever be done
And I’ll have to lose some before I make another one

My fucked up clones won’t have a chance in society
Mixing in with the clone forces battling mightily
Could you imagine them at war with the bots
On the battlefield sucking one another’s cocks?

And so I’ll panic in the mess that I’ve got
I won’t want to return them, I won’t want to get caught
And since I won’t want to be remembered a villain
I’ll decide the best solution is select a few and kill ‘em

I’ll smother one of ‘em while I’m fucking him
So the others don’t notice nothing ugly or something
Then later I’ll drag him into the bathroom and lock it
And cut him into pieces with the knife in my pocket

Then toss the parts of his body in boxes
And later toss the boxes in the garbage compartments
I’ll need to get a couple more up out my apartment
Before I make some more - I know it sounds alarming!

By the time I get three disposed
The room will smell of bodies all decomposed
Cuz I’ll be kee

Cat People

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

My Cat People, throw your paws in the air - Meow Meow Meow Meow
And wave them all around, but do it like you care - Meow Meow Meow Meow

Here kitty kitty here kitty kitty here
Little kitty licks her front paw washes her ear
Tickle on her whisker little cat’ll attack
Grab your wrist with the front claws kick with the back
And she can swipe like THIS - (Whisssh!)
Back off an attacker with a HISS - (Hssss!)
And the kitty’s moaning owns ya
Oh no, did you know there’s ammonia in her PISS - (Psssss!)
Let me stroke your fur, let me hear you purr, kitty cat
Oh my god, you’re so cute, dammit, look at that
Arching your back high, flashing the cat eye
Fighting with mice with nine lives like you’ll never die
For some our cats are less like pets than our kids
And we worship them like the ancient Egyptians did, and we are...

(Chorus:)
Cat People - Meow Meow Meow
Right now, all the kitties in the house, show the fangs in your mouth
as you pounce on a mouse, we are...
Cat People - Meow Meow Meow
With their little bitty claws on their little kitty paws
get down with a round of applause, for my...
Cat People - Meow Meow Meow
Good god, we’re odd, no dogs allowed,
but we’re proud and we meow it loud, we’re...
Cat People - Meow Meow Meow
Rub ‘em like you love ‘em right now
And all my bitchy little kitties say “Meow.”

Petting on my pussy like he wanted me, wanted me to
Do you do what you cat wants you to do, sure you do
Cuz our cats control our actions and they run this system
Our homes really belong to them we just live with them

Four story cat tree stands in the corner
Of the home of the owner holding a laser pointer
Little bag of cat nip fast to attract them
Post for the action, attack with the scratching
Acting like a captain as they pace in the place
Making biscuits in your lap with their ass in your face
Break-Hit the sack, 10-hour cat nap
Feline makes a beeline for your lap
But when you leave and come home, you’re all alone
Cuz kitty’s out the cat door, listen for moans
Oh no, no note by the phone or the dish
Little kitty never licked the liver, chicken or fish
Leave the ball of yarn, all in the yard for the breeding
As all the cat people in here hearing this beat are in heat and we are...

(Chorus)

Not all cat people belong to the same team
What I mean is that not all of us are quite what we seem
You see, all of us inside have beating hearts that are warm
But some of have powers into cats we transform

Under a full moon or a quarter moon or a half moon
In a bad mood with bad breath yes cat food
Like werewolves but wolves are dogs
And we’re cats so we’re sleeky sneaking in through the fog
And we all have a little pink butt
So now tell me what you think of that - What?
Playing with our own cats as cats
That’s a fact, together in packs we can track rats
We can play real mean chase each other up a screen
Or a tree or play sweet and even lick each other clean
Ravenous animals act a little wild
And we do it like humans, kitty-style
Fighting and fucking and hunting and sleeping
And breeding and eating and killing and that’s
What we do when we’re kitties next morning we’re human
We laughed and we cried it was better than Cats

(Chorus)

The Way You Talk

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

I don't like the way that you're talking to me
But I don't really mind what you're saying
My back will be turned to the words that you speak
Until you find a way to properly convey them

People the way that you talk
Is often so very embarrassing it's time that it stopped
Our generation sounds like a bunch of dumb kids
Who grew up but still talk like a bunch of dumb kids

It's time that we unite it's due time that we fight
Deterioration of our communication tonight
I call upon us all to stand tall in our hearts
And stop talking like morons here's where we start

When typing an email please be aware that there
Are three different forms of the word pronounced "there"
And if you dare misuse one in a letter beware
I will delete you from my friends list like I just don't care

The first is spelled "T-H-E-Y-apostrophe-R-E"
It's a contraction of the noun "they" and the verb "are" you see
"T-H-E-I-R" is a possessive pronoun when
You want to say that "they" possess it or it belongs to "them"

And "T-H-E-R-E" is an adverb with direction
Which oftentimes is used to modify a preposition
With practice you can learn to use all three in a sentence
For example "they're in there with their bear" there I said it

And the thing I hate most that gets me so pissed
Are people adults who talk like this
Like everything's a question with such indecision
You sound like a little kid speak with some conviction

And speaking of questions you needn't announce one
By stating the word first before you pop out one
Because when you say "question: what is the story?"
I'll reply "answer: that is annoying"

And like please don't like overuse the word "like"
Unless you're like ten and like talking about your new bike
"Like" is an adverb it's used to compare things
Like "when you say 'like' so much you sound like a prom queen"

"You know what I mean? You know? You know what I mean?"
Ugh! Stop asking me that I'll stop and ask if need be
And please don't reply with "that's what I'm talking about"
When I'm talking because actually that's what I'm talking about

Please refrain from typing messages in all caps
Please cease abbreviating "happening" to "haps"
Stop with the fake words like "guestimates" and "factoids"
And never use more than one exclamation point

Enough with the quote fingers I get it the tone
Of your voice and your choice of expression alone
Should suffice to imply that you're being sarcastic
You're only slowly down a boring story with a hand trick

And you've got to stop using the word "gay"
The way you describe a dislike like when you say
"That's such a gay car this song is so gay"
Are you in middle school you little fool act your age ok?

Annunciate articulate and say what you mean
And speak up so I can hear you but you don't need to scream
Don't talk with your mouth full and don't interrupt me
And if you say "end of story" then I will leave abruptly

All of these lazy and unnecessary phrases
Make us seem so very dated almost as though we're half our ages
Try to make a change and maybe then in the end
We can be friends but until then

(CHORUS)




Nerd Lust

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

Ladies and gentlewomen lend me your ear
I love every last one of you I want to be clear
It doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m some fetishist freak
But if I had to pick a favorite it’d have to be geeks

Oh those nerdy girls those oh so purdy girls
The wordy girls the love-a-joke-only-if-it’s-dirty girls
The flirty girls the blue jeans and t-shirty girls
The Bert & Ernie girls the pearls of the world

I see you in every venue city and state
You’re often awfully awkward baby I can relate
When I play Cat People live and in your town
You’re the one in the crowd howlin’ “meow meow meow”

Tell my about your kitties do they fill you with laughter?
Which cartoon characters did you name them after?
Your house is full of stacks of DVDs and CDs
You’ve seen Star Wars even more times than me

And like me you find summer a bummer
You’ve been bummed since the finale of Six Feet Under
Another number bombed hard in my show but you got it
You got a closet full of skeletons you bought a Hot Topic

Can I ride your bike? I like ringing the bell
I know you’ll dance to hip hop if you’re drunk as hell
I know that on a date no one’ll talk about sports
And if you DO have a thong on it’s under boxer shorts

How many Smiths tunes can you recite?
In which of your blogs do you most frequently write?
Which sci-fi languages can you understand?
And which instrument did you play in your high school band?

In so many ways our similarities are eerie
We share so many paranoid conspiracy theories
You’re watching Twin Peaks you know all the characters’ names
Quoting Aqua Teen and playing video games

I couldn’t care less about your height or your size
If your IQ’s high and you got four eyes
12-sided dice elf dies and I’m loving
Not hot in spite of being a geek but because of it

(CHORUS)
Nerds nerds I love those nerds
Shallow vapid model types are for the birds
Let me see you shake it shake your inhaler baby
Freaks and geeks make me crazy

Nerds nerds I love those nerds
Smug aloof hipster types are for the birds
Let me see you shake it shake your inhaler baby
Freaks and Geeks make me so crazy

You’re looking goodie in a dirty hoodie let me see
Is that an “Ask me about my SAT”
Pin on your backpack strap? That speaks to me
We pass hours dungeon master powers D & D

Your new animated avitar looks hot wait
I got great big goosebumps I made your top 8
Great great I left a dozen comments all of them flattering
Like, “When we kiss girl it’s like Magic -The Gathering”

Come a little closer girl no need to be frightened
I’m not gonna bite I’m a just a little near-sighted
And you are too ooh this ain’t gonna hurt
I wanna see your silhouette in your Strongbad shirt

Our glasses clink when we nuzzle organic milk we both guzzle
A couple hot nerds poring over crossword puzzles
Fill in letters wearing sweaters in any weather forever
Feel the books of the Lord of the Rings were better

You and me girl are gonna have some fun
We’ll play Simpson’s chess then watch season one
Hours of Risk tsk we’ll quit when we’re done
And with the sun comes a Daily Show re-run

I brought my high school yearbook you wanna see
What I looked like back in 1993?
I was skinny and pasty and I had terrible hair
And still do. You too? Do you still have high school nightmares?

Were you a loner dark and brooding cruising through school anonymous?
Or were you on debate team hanging with the drama kids?
Did you take shop? Did the jocks call you “Tom?”
Did you ever dream of blowing up a bomb at the prom?

(CHORUS)

I’ve loved every last nerdy girl that’s been in my life
So much in fact I even made one my wife
And my wife’s name is also STD
Which stands for Schaffer the Doctor cuz she’s a PhD

I love you dorks I love you geeks oh how I love you nerds
Although for this last verse I didn’t write words
So I’ll go, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow meow meow girl
Meow meow meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow and I’m out



Rich Man

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

Diamonds and emerald pearls, silver and gold
A golden Beamer, Mazaratti, a Ferrari, a Rolls
Benjamins in multiples of tens in rolls
Persian rugs and drugs filling cereal bowls

A fleet of limousines idle lined in the lot
A penthouse with a helipad, a 50-foot yacht
A mansion in the Hamptons and a getaway spot
These are just a few of the things that I have not

I’m so stone-cold broke, you know it’s no joke, I get
A microscopic paycheck, half pays the late rent
Half Uncle Sam gets, I haven’t been paid yet
The only big numbers I ever see are in my debt

I can’t believe I still live this life, I cry, "When’s this
Ship I’ve heard so much about gonna get in?" It’s
Ridiculous I’m sick of this shit driven witless
Can I get a witness? Can I get ten cents?

Can I pay my dues and use my debit? Get it?
Swipe it type in my PIN, rejected, forget it
Denied, had I a dime every time ATMs said it
I dread it, but my migraine is worse than my credit

And I got holes in my pockets like the ulcers in my tummy
Some receipts in my wallet stuck to something black and gummy
Disposition so unsunny wanna hear you everybody
Say “No money money no money money money!”

(CHORUS):
And I ain’t got no money
I’m so broke it ain’t funny
No land of milk and honey
For me envy everybody

Oh when will my ship get in
On the dock I sit with an
Open hand and it’s a bitch, man
Living like this in the land of the rich man

I’ve been living this poor well I guess for
Forever and I bet I will forever more
Barely ekeing by seeking out the dollar stores
For necessities upsettingly I still cannot afford

Every week for forty hours juggle taking orders
Every weekend struggle try to buy a beer with quarters
Days are getting longer but my life is getting shorter
Can’t afford the paper, read it in the corner at Borders

I have resorted to cutting corners, tightened my belt
Till I felt it in my pelvis buckle-shaped welts
Help an overall deterioration of my health
Which is supposed to be the least I have in lieu of no wealth

And I tell myself I gotta get a job that pays
More than I’ve ever made more than minimum wage
Try to save for rainy days in wide array of ways
A half-price sale at the dime store for dollar days

What would I do with a fortune? Plenty
Of course now I would even settle for twenty
Or a tenny just so I could get breakfast at Denny’s
Instead of standing at the CoinStar, jar full of pennies

Gotta play the lotto if I wanna win it
Luck will win a one-way ticket from this rut in which I’m stuck
They say the best things in life are free, I say that sucks
The best things costs fifty bucks and up

To one million dollars, let me break it down
In single bills it would weigh over 2,000 pounds
That’s 1,000 Benjamin Franklins and
5,000 pictures of Ulysses S. Grant and

10,000 Andrew Jacksons and
20,000 Alexander Hamiltons
And another 30,000 Abraham Lincolns
And 50,000 of the George Washingtons

Plus another 100,000 of him in quarters
Add 200,000 FDR dimes to the order
50,000 nickels plus five times as many
Right-facing copper-headed Honest Abe pennies

And that’s plenty of cheddar that’s a thick stack of lettuce
That’s a whole lot of dough, a great big loaf or bread, it’s
A big chunk of change with which man
Even an Oliver Twist kid could live like a rich man

Money, it’s a drag, the root of all evil
Can’t buy happiness, can’t buy people
Put a price on everything, grab at the brass ring
Brass in my pocket going jing-a-ling-ling, sing!

Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M.
Rags to riches, it’s the American dream
Gold digging big living riches swimming in them
And I'm running a rat race, the rich man’s winning, and um

(CHORUS)

Night of the Living Christ

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

Some say the savior first lived during the thirty years or so
Between B.C. and A.D. two thousand years ago
A man of myth and legend stories maybe you've heard them
He was a Jewish carpenter and his mother was a virgin

His name was the Christ and some thought him odd
Because he preached in the streets and claimed to be the son of God
Performing miracles did little to win over the Romans
Infuriated by his acts they called him a showman

So they tackled him and shackled him and whipped him and beat him
And tortured him they did everything but believe him
They nailed him to a cross and left him in the sun to die
Now here's where the story varies in everybody's eye

You can believe that on that date he met his fate or
You can believe he came back three days later
You can believe that he shall return again
To commence the Armageddon and the judgment of men

He won't descend from the heavens he'll emerge from the earth
With worms in his eyes his blood dry as dirt
All bones with little chunks of mummified flesh
Even the bugs in his bowels will be repulsed by the stench

Hungry as hell not eaten in two millennia
And he'll immediately need to start feeding so
He will search for the first church as down come the rains
Moaning in Aramaic with a craving for brains

Half-eaten believers scream, "It's Jesus of Nazareth!"
Their dead bodies rise back to life like Lazurus
This horror story will be in the new bible
Written by zombies Jesus's newest disciples

By Satan won't arrive for the end times war
And Christ will hunt a hundred and be hungry for more
No rival no reason to deliver us from evil
The undead prince of peace is feeding on people

(CHORUS):
And he shall rise rise the son of God will arrive
Back from the dead and when it happens it will blacken the skies
And he shall rise rise and we'll all be surprised
As he walks the earth to the cries of "He's alive!"

Now wait wait what would Jesus do? Well let me tell you what he'll do
He will leave a trail of goo as he prays he preys on you
Undead messiah with the entire world turning into
Zombies like him you'll die for him because he died for you

"Oh Jesus Christ! It's Jesus Christ!"

For centuries men of cloth have warned us that this day will come
And they've used it to keep people oppressed under their evil thumbs
They've controlled and convinced us that our lives are filled with sin
Well guess what that's who he's coming for those who think they're pure like him

He will only go after those who in him have faith
So all the non-believers around the world will be safe
All the Muslims and Buddhists the Satanists and atheists
The Jews will be safe too but not the Jews for Jesus

And not the hypocrites or pro-life sexists
Who hide with the religious right in the heart of Texas
Most of our government will get it the same
And anyone who's committed atrocities in his name

He'll crucify Klansmen that will be beautiful
And then he'll get that fucking prick who pickets gay funerals
Catholic pedophiles are eaten after he whips them
Look out because he'll send you back to hell Mel Gibson

Those old and gray on crusades who would force
Christian prayer in our schools and commandments in courts
All his followers that twist the words that he said
Are the ones he'll hunt down when he comes back from the dead

(CHORUS)

"He's coming he's coming but he's coming to eat us!"

Christians will all turn to zombies upon his return visit
It isn't too much different than it is right now now is it?
And he shall rise!

Discography

"Meet My Maker" full-length CD - DB Productions, 2004
"Night of the Living Christ" split 7" - Brink of Extinction Records, 2005
"The Rappist" DVD - DB Productions, 2007
"Mark of the Beast" full-length CD - DB Productions, 2007
"Manslaughterer" full-length CD - DB Productions, 2009

Set List

Live sets run 30-40 minutes. The shows typically feature 9 songs with standup bits scattered throughout, tieing the set together. As he is constantly writing new material, STD’s fans can generally expect new songs and jokes every time they catch his act live. The most standard STD set, which is generally used to introduce virgin audiences to his act, goes as follows:

1. The Dark Show (musical intro)
2. The Rappist
* (comedy bit)
3. F*ck This Song
4. Cat People
*(comedy bit)
5. Night of the Living Christ
6. The Tin Man
*(comedy bit)
7. The Way You Talk
8. Attack of the Clonefucker
9. My Last Song (musical closing)