Scott Richard Foster

Scott Richard Foster


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25' Away

Written By: Scott Richard Foster

I loved you so much I did everything for you
I couldn't beleive my ears the day you told me we were through
And even though you said get lost I know you didn't mean it
So I even wrote a haiku the day I got subpoened
And I'll still be watching you from afar
And I'll follow you with my camoflauge binoculars
I can see you right now baby eating dinner at your TV tray
And I'll still be loving you from at least 25 feet away
We have so much in common baby oh you know it's true
We both like the taste of water, we use the same brand of glue
We both like the scent of air, we both know how to open doors
And I just legally changed my name to be exactly the same as yours
I can prove to you my love that I deserve to be your man
My mom says I'm keeping my room clean and I just bought a new van
And even though some people want to make it so, love is not illegal
That's why I sent you a picture of me naked and spread eagle
Well my therapist says I'm co-'something or other' she says to just move on
But it's so hard when my love for you goes on and on
So if you'll just return one of my 50 messages on your recorder
then I'll come back to you without violating section 5 paragraph 2 stipulation 3 of my restraining order
And I'll still be watching you from afar
And I'll follow you with that radar I installed in your car
I can see you right now baby eating dinner at your TV tray
Yes I'll still be loving you from at least 25 feet away
25 FEET Oh Yeah not 20, not 21, 25, yeah
Even though your friends say I'm psycho psycho psycho, I DON'T CARE
I can see you right now baby eating dinner at your TV tray yes I'll still be loving you from at least 25 feet away
I'll always be watching you.

When She Wants Me She Cries

Written By: Scott Richard Foster

When I first saw her I was entranced by her piercing eyes and her long brown hair
I knew right away she wasn’t like the other girls, but I tell you I didn’t care
Now people say that we’re too different she and I they say it’ll never work
Cause she is 8 feet tall and I’m only 5 foot 9 they say with a smirk
But I am betting on us, so you better call your bookie
Cause nothing’s ever gonna change that I’m love with a wookie

And when she needs me she cries GLLLLLL
When she wants me she cries GLLLLLL
No one understands her but me and that’s ok
Cause when she loves me all she has to say is GLLLLLL

It was perfect for a while I don’t know how better it could go
We’d go hunting for minochs together sometimes she’d let me use her crossbow
We made love all the time I tell ya passion is something we never lacked
And I’m here to tell you, once you go wookie you never go back
And one day I came home early from work what did I find
A light saber on the kitchen counter the weapon of a jedi
I crept upstairs then I heard a noise behind the bedroom door
Then I heard a raspy voice say you’re a naughty little whore
I kicked in the door what did I see but a naked green ass in my face
Well that’s a sight I hope you never see it’s all shriveled and mushy and 600 years old well anyways
She had no explanation she sat and cried and growled while he picked up his walking stick
The hate flowed in me as if I was Darth Vader but suddenly he used a Jedi mind trick
He told me I didn’t want her so I left no longer powerful like Darth Vader
I lost my wookie to a jedi master and now I’m just a jedi masturbator

It was so hard for a while I used to just sit and watch the clock
But things have gotten easier since I started dating a cute little ewok
Sometimes I’ll start crying when I’ll be cleaning and I find a 6-foot hair somewhere
I miss her face, I miss her lips and I loved that she never wore underwear
My friends ask me how I’m doin’ and I lie and I say that I’m super
Truth is I want her back I don’t even care if she’s doing some storm trooper

I’m still not over her yeah I’m still in a rut
Cause nothing’s ever gonna change that I’m in love with a wookie slut

And all night I cry GLLLL
All day I cry GLLLLL
No one understands me but that’s ok
Cause I know that she’ll me hear someday saying GLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Food Sample Guy

Written By: Scott Richard Foster

The Mall is like a ghost town, when he gets to his job
Know today is Saturday, he’s got to get ready for the mob
Then all of the sudden they’re arriving coming through the double doors
They’re heading up the escalator straight to the second floor
They go past the limited, ignore the kiosk that sells shaved ice
They sneak past the arcade they got a hunger in their eyes
They head straight for the food court where our hero makes his stand
He’s lightning quick, with a flick of the wrist he’s got a toothpick in his hand

He’s a food sample guy for the Chinese restaurant, singing buy my chicken buy my chicken tonight
He’s not a rude sample guy, there’s nothing that he has to flaunt, singing buy my chicken buy my chicken tonight

This is his temple, in here everything is alright
With the gyro place on his left and the philly steaks on his right
He’s a man of few words, doesn’t have advice for you
But is you crave a treat that’s free not too spicy not too sweet then baby you know who to talk to

He’s getting customers from everywhere it’s the best orange chicken in town
Then all of the sudden a sound is heard from the new place two doors down
Our hero turned from his duties what he saw made his heart stand still
They’re selling bourbon chicken at a discount price at the brand new Cajun grille

Out comes a man with a plate in his hand and ice running through his veins
They stare each other down and no one made a sound like a showdown on the western plains
They’re eyes are meeting they’re hearts are beating and they know that it is on
The battle ensues and both men lose fighting for supremecy and for the good of you and me they went through hell and sacrificed themselves like Spock in The Wraith of Khan

Now nothing is left but the crappy smoothy place
I think they put a pregnant women’s clothing store in the Chinese restaurant space
They say that sometimes when no one’s around if you listen then you just might
Here a voice in the distance screaming buy my chicken buy my chicken tonight