Shepard Barbash

Shepard Barbash

BandJazzBroadway

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Cover band: 
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Lyrics

I Like to be in Arabia

Written By: Shepard Barbash

Arabia

Jewish Grandma:
Mighty Zion,
The chosen people…
People that everyone pleases.
Always your leadership showing,
Always your reputation growing…

Moslem Grandpa:
Tiny Zion,
You crazy people…
People who turned away Jesus.
Always your enemies growing,
Always the terrorism flowing…
To the devil going,
The jihadi thriving,
Holocaust reviving.
I don’t trust girls (Jews) named Rebecca.
I prefer millions (Moslems) in Mecca.

I like to be in Arabia!
No one is free in Arabia!
Okay by me in Arabia!
Not much to see in Arabia!

Grandma: I like Jerusalem. It’s fun.
Grandpa: Nice little spot ‘til the Jews won.
Grandma: All different faith there in full bloom.
Grandpa: Some day Iran make it go boom.

Grandpa:
Death has no sting in Arabia.
Allah’s the thing in Arabia.
Bring what you bring to Arabia
Koran is king in Arabia.

Grandma: I’ll go to beach and get good sun.
Grandpa: Better remember to bring gun.
Grandma: I’ll go with family on boat ride.
Grandpa: How you get Internet inside?

Grandpa:
Diplomat goes to Arabia,
Capital flows to Arabia,
Everyone knows in Arabia
Oil is the rose of Arabia.

Grandma: I’ll make Aliyah with grandson.
Grandpa: Better he go with a fat nun.
Grandma: Wailing Wall will make his soul clean.
Grandpa: I don’t think he will be so keen.

Grandpa:
We are not boors in Arabia.
We got our mores in Arabia.
Stone them, our whores in Arabia.
Don’t want Al Gores in Arabia.

Grandma: I’ll go to Zion when I’m done.
Grandpa: Hope you are there for the Big One.
Grandma: I’ll see Jerusalem next year.
Grandpa: Arab will greet you with Bronx cheer.

(Original lyrics to America--submitted to show how I have tried to preserve Sondheim's original rhyme scheme.

AMERICA
ROSALIA
Puerto Rico,
You lovely island . . .
Island of tropical breezes.
Always the pineapples growing,
Always the coffee blossoms blowing . . .

ANITA
Puerto Rico . . .
You ugly island . . .
Island of tropic diseases.
Always the hurricanes blowing,
Always the population growing . . .
And the money owing,
And the babies crying,
And the bullets flying.
I like the island Manhattan.
Smoke on your pipe and put that in!

OTHERS
I like to be in America!
O.K. by me in America!
Ev'rything free in America
For a small fee in America!

ROSALIA
I like the city of San Juan.

ANITA
I know a boat you can get on.

ROSALIA
Hundreds of flowers in full bloom.

ANITA
Hundreds of people in each room!

ALL
Automobile in America,
Chromium steel in America,
Wire-spoke wheel in America,
Very big deal in America!

ROSALIA
I'll drive a Buick through San Juan.

ANITA
If there's a road you can drive on.

ROSALIA
I'll give my cousins a free ride.

ANITA
How you get all of them inside?

ALL
Immigrant goes to America,
Many hellos in America;
Nobody knows in America
Puerto Rico's in America!

ROSALIA
I'll bring a T.V. to San Juan.

ANITA
If there a current to turn on!

ROSALIA
I'll give them new washing machine.

ANITA
What have they got there to keep clean?

ALL
I like the shores of America!
Comfort is yours in America!
Knobs on the doors in America,
Wall-to-wall floors in America!

ROSALIA
When I will go back to San Juan.

ANITA
When you will shut up and get gone?

ROSALIA
Everyone there will give big cheer!
ANITA
Everyone there will have moved here!

Am I Pretty?

Written By: Shepard Barbash

Am I Pretty?

Girl in burqa:
Am I pretty,
Oh, so pretty?
Am I pretty and witty and bright?
What a pity
That you’ll never never know tonight!

Am I charming,
Truly charming?
Is my charming disarming for real?
Am I pretty
Or an ugly good-for-nothing heal?

Man:
See the pretty thing in that burka there.
Better off to let that one be.
Don’t look at her face,
Don’t look at her dress,
Don’t look at her smile,
Don’t look at her knee!

Could be stunning
And entrancing.
Could be cunning enhancing your joy.
It’s too bad
She’s a pretty under-aged boy!

Chorus:
Do you know the laws of sharia,
That sick seventh century crock?
You’ll know them whenever you see a
Sorry girl who is in an advanced state of shock.

You think she’s a love,
A dear little Jane?
She isn’t a love,
She’s just a big pain.

You think she’s in heat,
All eager to please.
But Allah’s her sweet.
She’s just a big tease.

Keep away from her.
Leave her be, now.
Don’t forget, Monsieur,
She’s a he now!

Modest and pure,
Polite and refined.
And if you’re not sure,
Just check her behind.

Girl:
It’s not pretty,
It’s plain shitty
Salt Lake City won’t give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to marry me.

I’m as busy
As a bunny.
I’m so fizzy and funny and fine,
And so pretty
That my brothers have to wait in line!

Chorus (responsively):
--See the pretty thing in that burka there?

--Don’t look! Beware!

--Better off to let that one be.

--Bitch, slut, snare, doom!

Don’t look at her face,
Don’t look at her dress,
Don’t look at her smile,
Don’t look at her knee!

Girl:
Yes, I’m stunning
And entrancing.
Got you running and dancing for joy.
It’s too bad
I’m a pretty under-aged boy!

Original lyrics to I Feel Pretty (submitted to show how I've preserved Sondheim's rhyme scheme)

MARIA
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

GIRLS
Have you met my good friend Maria,
The craziest girl on the block?
You'll know her the minute you see her,
She's the one who is in an advanced state of shock.

She thinks she's in love.
She thinks she's in Spain.
She isn't in love,
She's merely insane.

It must be the heat
Or some rare disease,
Or too much to eat
Or maybe it's fleas.

Keep away from her,
Send for Chino!
This is not the
Maria we know!

Modest and pure,
Polite and refined,
Well-bred and mature
And out of her mind!

MARIA
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

GIRLS
La la la la . . .

MARIA
I feel dizzy,
I feel sunny,
I feel fizzy and funny and fine,
And so pretty,
Miss America can just resign!

GIRLS
La la la la . . .

MARIA
See the pretty girl in that mirror there:

GIRLS
What mirror where?

MARIA
Who can that attractive girl be?

GIRLS
Which? What? Where? Whom?

MARIA
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

GIRLS
Such a pretty me!

ALL
I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

Iraq Ensemble (Tonight)

Written By: Shepard Barbash

Tonight Ensemble

Iraqi soldier:
Iraq is gonna be okay
Tonight.

Terrorist:
We’re gonna blow Iraq away
Tonight.

Iraqi soldier:
We’re gonna make the Sunni “Shiite.”
And if they think we’re loony
We’ll slaughter ‘em right.

Terrorist:
Al Queda’s gonna win the prize
Tonight.

Iraqi soldier:
We’ll drink their blood before it dries
Tonight.

Both:
We’ll save the world for Allah,
No tricks.
We’ll take that Yankee dollah
And kill them with sticks
Tonight.

We’ll be Iraqis tonight,
We’ll hack and chop ‘em up and have us a ball!
We’ll build a nation tonight;
The more you help us out the harder we’ll fall!

Iraqi soldier: We love the Koran!

Terrorist: We love the Koran!

Both: And that’s the thing we’ll take to one and to all,
Tonight!

Iranian:
Iran is gonna get her kicks
Tonight.
We’ll send Iraq our little pricks
Tonight.
Mohammad’s (Our mullahs’) got em wired.
Why not? (So hot).
With martyrdom they’re fired,
And they’ll get their shot.
(alt: His virgins aren’t tired.
They’re not even hot.)

US Soldier:
Tonight, tonight,
I’ll save Iraq tonight.
Tonight I’ll win my own Silver Star.
Tonight, tonight,
I’ll be the one tonight
To show you, you and you who we are!

Hooray for democratic spirit!
Though Congress seems to fear it,
The world has seen the light.
So pay my flight,
And let me spread the peace with a fight!

Terrorist:
Democracy don’t have a prayer
Tonight.
They’re building castles in the air
Tonight.
That nation-building crap’ll go down,
And then they’ll have to grapple
With our kind of town.

(US soldier and terrorist simultaneously)

Soldier:
Tonight, tonight
I’ll save Iraq tonight,
Or else there will be no Silver Star.

Terrorist (or two terrorists alternating):
We’re gonna blow ‘em away.
Tonight.
Iraq is gonna go down.
Tonight.

North to south!
East to west!
All Sunni, Kurds and Shiite.
All right!

(Terrorist, Iraqi soldier, Iranian, and U.S. soldier, simultaneously)

Terrorist:
We’ll be Iraqis tonight!
We’ll kill a nation tonight!
Allah Akbar!
Allah Akbar!
Allah Akbar!
We’ll stop them once and for all.
We’re gonna blow Iraq away.
Iraq is gonna go away.
We’ll be Iraqis tonight. Tonight!

Iraqi:
We’ll build a nation tonight!
Tonight!
Allah Akbar!
Koran’s the word to take to one and to all!
Iraq is gonna be okay!
Iraq is gonna show the way!
We’ll be Iraqis tonight! Tonight!

Iranian:
Tonight, tonight,
Late tonight,
Iran will fix it tonight.
Iran is gonna have her day.
Iran is gonna have her day.
Mohamed’s gonna have his way
Tonight, tonight.
Tonight, this very night,
We’ll be Iraqis tonight! Tonight!

U.S. soldier:
Tonight, tonight,
I’ll be the one tonight
To show you, you and you who we are!
Hooray for democratic spirit!
Though some will always fear it,
The world has seen the light.
So pay my flight,
And let me spread the peace. Let me fight!

Original lyrics to Tonight ensemble (submitted to show how I've preserved Sondheim's rhyme scheme)

TONIGHT
RIFF
The Jets are gonna have their day
Tonight.

BERNARDO
The Sharks are gonna have their way
Tonight.

RIFF
The Puerto Ricans grumble: "Fair fight."
But if they start a rumble,
We'll rumble 'em right.

BERNARDO
We're gonna hand 'em a surprise
Tonight.

RIFF AND JETS
We're gonna cut 'em down to size
Tonight.

BERNARDO AND SHARKS
We said, "O.K., no rumpus,
No tricks."
But just in case they jump us,
We're ready to mix
Tonight.

ALL
We're gonna rock it tonight,
We're gonna jazz it up and have us a ball!
They're gonna get it tonight;
The more they turn it on the harder they'll fall!

RIFF AND JETS
Well, they began it!

BERNARDO AND SHARKS
Well, they began it!

ALL
And we're the ones to stop 'em once and for all,
Tonight!

ANITA
Anita's gonna get her kicks
Tonight.
We'll have our private little mix
Tonight.
He'll walk in hot and tired,
So what?
Don't matter if he's tired,
As long as he's hot
Tonight!

TONY
Tonight, tonight,
Won't be just any night,
Tonight there will be no morning star.
Tonight, tonight, I'll see my love tonight.
And for us, stars will stop where they are.
Today
The minutes seem like hours,
The hours go so slowly,
And still the sky is light . . .
Oh moon, grow bright,
And make this endless day endless night!

RIFF
I'm counting on you to be there
Tonight.
When Diesel wins it fair and square
Tonight.
That Puerto Rican punk'll
Go down.
And when he's hollered "Uncle"
We'll tear up the town!

(RIFF, TONY, and MARIA sing simultaneously)

RIFF
So I can count on you, boy?

TONY
All right.

RIFF
We're gonna have us a ball.

TONY
All right.

RIFF
Womb to tomb!

TONY
Sperm to worm!

RIFF
I'll see you there about eight.

TONY
Tonight . . .

MARIA
Tonight, tonight
Won't be just any night,
Tonight there will be no morning sta

The Jew Song

Written By: Shepard Barbash

The Jew Song

When you’re a Jew
You’re a Jew all the way
From your first Oy Gevalt
To your final Oy Vey!

When you’re a Jew
If the shit hits the fan
You got family to make
You feel worse if they can.

You’re always alone,
You’re always disrespected.
Your home ain’t your own.
When treaties are perfected,
They get rejected!

Then you are fucked
In a capital way
With a fatwa that lasts
Til they blow you away
‘Cause you’re a Jew. ‘Cause you’re a Jew!

When you’re a Jew
You are born with a frown.
You’re the chosen Schlemiel.
Better keep your head down.

When you’re a Jew
You’re as tight as a spring.
You know just what you want
And you want everything.

You feel it right here,
The kosher food is kickin’.
The Goyim keep clear
‘Cause they don’t wanna sickin’
Of all that chickin!

Here come the Jews
In our own private Hell.
We got so many docs.
Still we don’t feel so well.

Here come the Jews.
Uncle Sam, step aside.
We got nukes underground.
Hezbollah better hide!

Mohammad’s divine.
His virgins get the dead off.
His faithful are fine,
But if a daughter’s led off,
They’ll chop her head off!

That’s why we’re Jews
Yeah! Beloved on the street
From the horns on our head
To our three cloven feet!
To our three!
Ever!
Lovin!
Cloven!
Feet!

Original lyrics to The Jet Song (submitted to show that I've preserved Sondheim's rhyme scheme)

The Jet Song

RIFF:
When you're a Jet,
You're a Jet all the way
From your first cigarette
To your last dyin' day.

When you're a Jet,
If the spit hits the fan,
You got brothers around,
You're a family man!

You're never alone,
You're never disconnected!
You're home with your own:
When company's expected,
You're well protected!

Then you are set
With a capital J,
Which you'll never forget
Till they cart you away.
When you're a Jet,
You stay a Jet!

ACTION and BABY JOHN:
When you're a Jet,
You're the top cat in town,
You're the gold medal kid
With the heavyweight crown!

A-RAB, ACTION, BIG DEAL:
When you're a Jet,
You're the swingin'est thing:
Little boy, you're a man;
Little man, you're a king!

ALL
The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy chicken!

Here come the Jets
Like a bat out of hell.
Someone gets in our way,
Someone don't feel so well!

Here come the Jets:
Little world, step aside!
Better go underground,
Better run, better hide!

We're drawin' the line,
So keep your noses hidden!
We're hangin' a sign,
Says "Visitors forbidden"
And we ain't kiddin'!

Here come the Jets,
Yeah! And we're gonna beat
Ev'ry last buggin' gang
On the whole buggin' street!
On the whole!
Ever!
Mother!
Lovin'!
Street!

Osama

Written By: Shepard Barbash

Osama

(spoken) Osama.
(sung) The most ominous sound I ever heard.
(echo) Osama, Osama, Osama, Osama.
All the terrible sins of the world in a single turd.
Osama, Osama, Osama, Osama… Osama, Osama,
Osama!
We’re after a guy named Osama.
If anyone’s to blame
For why we’re all aflame (so lame)
It’s he.

Osama!
We just missed that guy named Osama.
And somewhere underground
That dirty little mound’s
Still free!
(He’s somewhere underground.
He never will be found.
He’s free!)

Osama!
You’ve got all of the donkeys (all Demo donkeys) braying,
You’ve got all good Republicans praying
Osama won’t lead us to vote for
Obama!

(Optional ending)
Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama,
Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama.
Obama!
You’ve got so many liberals praying.
You’ve got nerves in Clinton camp fraying.
Obama.
They’ll never stop saying Obama.

The most ominous sound Hill’ry’s ever heard.
Obama!

Original lyrics to Maria (to show that I've preserved Sondheim's rhyme scheme)

TONY
(spoken)
Maria . . .
(sings)
The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word . .
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
Maria!
I've just met a girl named Maria,
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same
To me.
Maria!
I've just kissed a girl named Maria,
And suddenly I've found
How wonderful a sound
Can be!
Maria!
Say it loud and there's music playing,
Say it soft and it's almost like praying.
Maria!
I'll never stop saying Maria!

Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria,
Maria!
Say it loud and there's music playing,
Say it soft and it's almost like praying.
Maria!
I'll never stop saying Maria!

The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
Maria.

Goy

Written By: Shepard Barbash

Goy

Goy, goy, crazy goy,
Not cool, goy!
Get your rocket off my pocket.
(2nd time) Keep that rocket in your pocket.
Don’t be a fool, goy!
Don’t get hot,
‘Cause man you’re not
A guy I can bed.
Don’t you know my Daddy-O
Wants to keep me for the tribe instead!
(2nd time) Wants his princess in the tribe instead!
(alt) Wants to keep me for himself instead!

Goy, goy, crazy goy!
No use, goy!
Beat it, butt it, bump and cut it.
(alt) Hold back the juice, goy!
(alt) Let’s call a truce, goy!
(alt) Don’t be a goose, goy!
(alt) Don’t be obtuse, goy!
(alt) Why court abuse, goy!
(alt) Beware the noose, goy!
(alt) Just keep it loose, goy!
Take it slow
(2nd time) Don’t pass go
Or they’ll lock away my jewel, goy.
(2nd time) Or they’ll pack you off to shul, goy.
And that’d be cruel, goy,
Real cruel!

Original lyrics to Cool (submitted to show that I've preserved Sondheim's original rhyme scheme)

RIFF
Boy, boy, crazy boy,
Get cool, boy!
Got a rocket in your pocket,
Keep coolly cool, boy!
Don't get hot,
'Cause man, you got
Some high times ahead.
Take it slow and Daddy-O,
You can live it up and die in bed!

Boy, boy, crazy boy!
Stay loose, boy!
Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it.
Turn off the juice, boy!
Go man, go,
But not like a yo-yo schoolboy.
Just play it cool, boy,
Real cool!

Jokers Like These

Written By: Shepard Barbash

Jokers Like These
(alternate lyrics in parentheses)

Actor A:
Poor kindly Mrs. Clinton,
She cannot take a stand
Without somebody hintin’
She’s just a little bland. (It’s just a little canned.)
Her party’s full of monkeys,
Her hubbie is a skunk.
Golly Moses, natcherly she’s crunk!

Actor B:
Yo, Senator Clinton, the base is upset
You gave the Global War a go it never should get.
Islamic Jihad you have misunderstood.
Deep down inside it’s made of wood.

Actor A: Made of wood!

Chorus:
Made of wood, made of wood,
If you only would
Look inside, you’d see it’s made of wood!

Actor B: So you wouldn’t vote for her?

Actor A: No I wouldn’t. She’s too wooden.

Actor B: Well, then, I’ve got just the guy for you.

Actor B:
This Wonder Boy Obama,
He’s got the magic stuff.
He ain’t scared of Osama.
He’s black but white enough.
An honest, faithful husband,
A decent loving dad,
Leapin’ lizards! This nigger is bad!

Actor A: Waddup!
‘Bama my homey, they’re startin’ to stare.
You’ve done a lot of nothin but you done it with flair.
Just keep your Islamic affinities curbed.
You’ll reach the White House undisturbed.

Actor B: Undisturbed!

Chorus:
Undisturbed! Undisturbed!
We are undisturbed.
You’ve done nothing nothing to disturb.

Actor A: Gee, some people might find that a little disturbing.

Actor B: You want disturbing? I’ll give you disturbing.

Actor A: Wait, let me guess.

Actor A:
The pols think he’s a bastard,
The press an SOB.
His face is always plastered
On tabloids and tv.
They say that Chinese torture
Has left the man insane.
Goodness gracious, don’t vote for McCain.

Actor B:
Yes Senator John, you’ve a bit of a job
Convincing all the kooks in the conservative mob.
You’ve beaten ‘em bad with your maverick schtick.
Polls say the base think you’re a dick.

Actor A:
You’re a dick!

Chorus:
You’re a dick, Mr. Mick,
You are one sick dick.
Dreadful sorry that you’re such a dick!

Actor B: Actually, I kind of like McCain.

Actor A: What are you, a Democrat or something?

Actor B: What are you, a Republican? Never mind. Never mind. Let’s stop the partisan bickering and get behind someone who can keep us all safe.

Actor B:
The mayor Guiliani
Defies the status quo.
He’s not as nice as Romny
But man, he runs a show.
Remember 9/11.
He really went to work.
Rudy, Rudy thinks he’s Captain Kirk.

Actor A: Wow!
General Rudy, please do it again.
Throw all the Moslems with your exes into the pen.
And just to make sure you’re not misunderstood,
Tell all your rivals they’re no good.

Actor B:
They’re no good!

Chorus:
They’re no good, they’re no good!
They’re no goddamn good,
Little Rudy says they’re no damn good!

Actor A: Clinton’s power crazy.

Actor B: Guiliani never blinks.

Actor A: Obama’s just too hazy.

Actor B: McCain just really stinks.

Actor A: None of them is growing.

Actor B: None of them has grown.

Chorus:
Too bad all their troubles are our own.
Dear God, if you’re out there,
We’re down on our knees,
‘Cause who could face adversity (our enemies) with jokers like these?
The future looks grim,
We don’t mean to be rude. (howsoever it’s viewed) (with our terrorist feud).
No getting around it,
We’re screwed!

Original to Officer Krupke to show similar rhyme scheme

GEE, OFFICER KRUPKE
ACTION
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke,
You gotta understand,
It's just our bringin' up-ke
That gets us out of hand.
Our mothers all are junkies,
Our fathers all are drunks.
Golly Moses, natcherly we're punks!

ACTION AND JETS
Gee, Officer Krupke, we're very upset;
We never had the love that ev'ry child oughta get.
We ain't no delinquents,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

ACTION
There is good!

ALL
There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good!
Like inside, the worst of us is good!

SNOWBOY: (Spoken) That's a touchin' good story.

ACTION: (Spoken) Lemme tell it to the world!

SNOWBOY: Just tell it to the judge.

ACTION
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough.
With all their marijuana,
They won't give me a puff.
They didn't wanna have me,
But somehow I was had.
Leapin' lizards! That's why I'm so bad!

DIESEL: (As Judge) Right!

Officer Krupke, you're really a square;
This boy don't need a judge, he needs an analyst's care!
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
He's psychologic'ly disturbed!

ACTION
I'm disturbed!

JETS
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologic'ly disturbed.

DIESEL: (Spoken, as Judge) In the opinion on this court, this child is depraved on account he ain't had a normal home.

ACTION: (Spoken) Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived.

DIESEL: So take him to a headshrinker.

ACTION (Sings)
My father is a bastard,
My ma's an S.O.B.
My grandpa's always plastered,
My grandma pushes tea.

Tonight

Written By: Shepard Barbash

Tonight

Girl suicide bomber (holding Koran):
Only you, you’re the only thing I’ll see forever.
In my eyes, in my words, and in everything I do,
Nothing else but you ever.

Boy suicide bomber:
And there’s nothing for me but sharia.
Every sight that I see is sharia.

Girl bomber:
Allah, Allah!

Boy bomber:
Always you every thought I’ll ever know,
Everywhere I go you’ll be.

Both: All the world is only you and me.

Girl bomber:
Tonight, tonight,
I’ll blow them up tonight,
All infidels I find in my way.

Tonight, tonight,
There’ll be no more tonight,
No more Jew, no more goy, no more gay!

Boy bomber:
Tonight, to flatter Allah’s feeling
I’ll splatter on the ceiling
And glory in the right.

And when I’m dead
I’ll get a thousand girls in my bed
Tonight!

(duet slower) Tonight, tonight,
Mohammad will delight
(accel.) With body parts all over the place.

Tonight, tonight,
We’ll carry on the fight
Using bombs that Iran will replace.

Hooray! I’m going to be a martyr
My mamma can be proud of
Though it’s a one-way flight.
And when I go
I’ll give my faith of peace
A piece of me tonight!

(spoken)
Girl bomber: We can’t stay. Go, quickly.
Boy bomber: I’m not afraid.
Girl bomber: They are after us, please.
Boy bomber: I hate them.

Duet:
Goodnight, goodnight,
Sleep well and when you dream,
Dream of us tonight.

Original lyrics to Tonight submitted to show how I've preserved Sondheim's rhyme scheme:

Tonight

MARIA
Only you, you're the only thing I'll see forever
In my eyes in my words and in everything I do
Nothing else but you
Ever

TONY
And there's nothing for me but Maria
Every sight that I see is Maria

MARIA
Tony, Tony

TONY
Always you, every thought I'll ever know
Everywhere I go you'll be

TONY & MARIA
All the world is only you and me

MARIA
Tonight, tonight
It all began tonight
I saw you and the world went away

Tonight, tonight
There's only you tonight
What you are, what you do, what you say

TONY
Today, all day I had the feeling
A miracle would happen
I know now I was right

TONY & MARIA
For here you are
And what was just a world is a star
Tonight

Tonight, tonight
The world is full of light
With suns and moons all over the place

Tonight, tonight
The world is wild and bright
Going mad
Shooting sparks into space

Today, the world was just an address
A place for me to live in
No better than all right

But here you are
And what was just a world is a star
Tonight

Good night, good night
Sleep well and when you dream
Dream of me
Tonight.

Somewhere

Written By: Shepard Barbash

Somewhere
(alternate lyrics in parentheses)

Chorus of terrorists:

They’re all chaste for us.
Somewhere they’re chaste for us.
Fifty virgins in underwear
Wait for us
Somewhere.

They’re sublime for us.
All (they’re) in their prime for us,
Can’t be seen but we know they’re there,
Fifty babes, all but bare! (young and fair!) (in the air!) (golden hair!)
Somehow,
Somewhere,
High overhead they are living,
High overhead they are giving,
Somewhere.

They’re in lace for us,
A state of grace for us.
Kill yourself and you’re halfway there (and go take them there).
Kill for Allah and make them there.
Somehow,
Some day,
Somewhere!

Original lyrics to Somewhere to show how the rhyme scheme has been preserved

SOMEWHERE
A GIRL
There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

There's a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day!

Somewhere.
We'll find a new way of living,
We'll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .

There's a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we're halfway there.
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow,
Some day,
Somewhere!