SlowMo Erotic

SlowMo Erotic

BandPopCabaret

SlowMo Erotic is a pop duo that balances catchy choruses and edgy lyrics with a musicianship that is unique. While you won't be seeing these boys performing at any family events in the near future, you can rest assured that SlowMo Erotic is ready to offend, entertain, or both.

Biography

"I love these guys"
-Stephen Trask (Songwriter "Hedwig and the Angry Inch")

SlowMo Erotic is Kevin Hardy and Matthew Hermstad, boyfriends of 3 years, who eat, sleep, and rehearse from their little house in Glendale, California. While Kevin is busy writing the quirky pop songs on his piano, Matt is perfecting the coinciding beats and grooves. Much like other indie pop duos (the Dresden Dolls and Mates of State), SlowMo Erotic balances catchy choruses and edgy lyrics (Forgive me for what I say for what I say is blunt, have you ever had one of those days where everyone is a cunt?) with a musicianship that is unique.

Lyrics

Cunt

Written By: Kevin Hardy

A man gave me the middle finger when he cut me off
Then my piano teacher said I’m just not good enough
My family called to wish me Happy Birthday which is sweet
But for your future reference guys my birthday was last week

Forgive me for what I say for what I say is blunt
Have you ever had one of those days where everyone’s a Cunt?

Your mother, your brother, your sister and your father
A lover, another, a teacher or your doctor
Co-workers and strangers and then all of your friends
Even the president- Why is everyone a Cunt?

I called the phone company I was overcharged again
They said, “Yeah that seems likely, too bad, thanks for choosing Sprint”
Oh then my roommate moved out without any warning
It’s moot to boot my landlord evicted me this morning

Now I lay me down to sleep tomorrow start anew
I pray the lord my soul to keep unless he’s a Cunt too

-Chorus-

It’s a derogatory term for female genitalia
But if you are a misanthrope this term will never fail ya

Or if you’re a feminist who thinks the “C” word sick
Well it don’t make no difference ’cause everyone’s a dick

-Chorus-

Draw the Line

Written By: Kevin Hardy

But of all the things I would do
But of all the things I would try
If you want to make love to me
That is where I draw the line

Get it up
Get it off
Get it on
Get it Hard
Make it large
In charge
Make it so I’m nice and raw
On my back
On my belly
Let me know when you are ready
Wheel barrel
Or white canary
Doggie style
Or missionary
With my fist
With my digits
With my dick
Where can I stick it?
It’s so big Hope I can fit it
If I can’t You can lick it
Bukkake
Tonsil hockey
2 way me On Walkie Talkie
2 dollars Then sucky sucky
If you fuck me You so lucky

-Chorus-

Hot plate On your face
You look like a different race
You look the same As… what’s his name?
Dirty Sanchez
Play the game
Lots of leather
Lots of rubber
You look good under the covers
I will never Call you lover
Dairy Farmer
Milk my udder
Fill you up Bareback
You can be my sperm bank
You will need a side of ranch
When I toss your salad
I just came So much
Hope I didn’t knock you up
Hate to wait 9 months
Contraceptive Donkey Punch

-Chorus-

Suck it till it’s hollow
Spit, if you don’t want to swallow
But if I leave tomorrow
No you cannot follow
I don’t need to hold your hand
I don’t need no wedding band
Sam I Am, you want my green eggs and ham?
Then come and take me as I am

-Chorus-

Urge to Purge

Written By: Kevin Hardy

I could be really hungry could be really horny
Because either way I’ll eat you out
It’s because when we touch because when we make love
We’re never close enough
How’s about I tear off all of you’re clothes muscles off of your bones
Put it in my throat swallow you down
Oh you’re so nutritious yes you are delicious
Baby the main dish is served right now

Put your lips to mine
And it’s dinner time
Finger down my throat
No, I won’t feel the Urge to Purge…

You got 2 all beef patties lettuce onions and cheese
The only thing you need is my special sauce
I don’t think you realize I get so super-sized
Every time I bite your flesh right off
And I got good news you’re Atkins approved
Your carb count is low it’s like I’m eating lite
I will never get full I’ll eat your every morsel
Maybe the cannibals had it right

Chorus

My mother was a baker father was a waiter
Then they got together and then 9 months later
I came from oven ready for some lovin’
Stick a fork in me… I’m done.

Chorus

I could be really hungry I could be really horny
Because either way I’ll eat you out

Fuck All Y'all

Written By: Kevin Hardy

Martin Luther had a dream but I do to or so it seems
To treat everyone equally that sounds neat

It’s wrong to judge someone by race to base your rage on sex or age
So if you want to be safe listen to me

God loves everybody at least that’s the myth
That’s not a luxury that we’re afforded with
So won’t you keep an open mind?
Don’t discriminate no….

I hate fags  I hate dykes  I hate blacks  And I hate whites
I hate Japs  I hate Jews  I hate myself  And I hate you
So fuck Y’all
Fuck All Y’all

To discriminate is not fun but by it’s definition
You won’t if you hate everyone

God made us in his image, this I know.
But if he really did he is an asshole.
Won’t you take a look around?
You see you’ll be like me and…

-Chorus-

Cholos  Homos  Old Folks  Niggers
Chicks with Dicks  Spics  And Wiggers
Dykes  And Kykes  All types of Asians
Micks  And Mooks  And Gooks  And Haitians
Towel Heads  Jar Heads  All Heads  Red Necks
Do I hate you Mom? Hell yes.
Hope you’ve learned from what I said
Present company included

So if you’ve taken offense
Let me say in my defense
You should go out and get a sense of humor you asshole

To be politically correct, what’s the cost?
I say let’s throw a big human Holocaust.
And let’s just let God sort it out
And pray he doesn’t say hey…

-Chorus-

Be Here When I Get Back

Written By: Kevin Hardy

When I leave for work you better be here when I get back
When I go to the movie show you better be here when I get back
When I take the dog to the park you better be here when I get back
Anytime that we are apart you better be here when I get back

Or else I might follow…

At the bar and I’m hanging with some friends
And I get pretty fucked up you better pick me up
Give me head and I’ll head straight to bed
you better be here when I wake up
If we fight then that is alright but you know we better make up
Because you’re mine for life you know we’ll never break up

Or else I might follow…

God I love you so much that sometimes I wanna punch you in the face
and tie you to the bed and make you swear you’ll never leave.
God I love you so much that I wanna tell your family and your friends
that you are dead and maybe then you will begin to see.
I don’t like to fight for your attention did I mention you’re indentured
you are like a slave that must repay this love me.
You don’t wanna see me mad so be right here when I get back
or else I just might hunt you down like a dog in the street.

Or else I might follow….

When I leave for work you better be…
When I go to the movie show…
When I take the dog to the park..
Anytime that we are apart you better be here when I get back

Ugly Just the Same

Written By: Kevin Hardy

I hate when someone says to me “I think I have low self esteem”
You know there is no such thing maybe you’re just really ugly
You know I think that’s okay after all you’re born that way
You can blame your DNA for every lonely Saturday

Chubby, plain, little girl oblivious to the real world
All the she wants to be a popular high school prom queen
I sit her down right here I wipe away her tears
Said, “Listen up my dear let me make this clear

They say a rose would smell as good
If I call it any other name that I could
As for you you’re ugly just the same
If I call you by any other name.”

People pray all day in vain they say, “Oh hey I need to pay
A lot of bucks to nip and tuck and liposuck the pain away.”
A futile brutal fleeting cause fix you face fix your flaws
Cheap make-up and push up bras just give up you’re one lost cause

Teenage boy so un-cool likes the hottest girl in school
All his friends wish him well but know he’s got no chance in Hell
I sit him right down and talk to him man to man
Said, “Listen up my friend this is God’s master plan.”

-Chorus-

They say people are like snowflakes
No two ones will look the same
Boy am I glad that’s true
Who wants to see two of you?

True beauty is in the eye of the beholder
I find this is true (just for you) if the beholder is blind
Fit Fight Scream Cry Kick Bite Don’t even ask “Why?”
I know that it seems that it’s really mean but it’s reality
So tell me really why would I lie?

Chorus

Love Is

Written By: Kevin Hardy

Love is like a fruitcake
It takes a long time to bake and nobody eats it
Love is like an earthquake
Destroys your home and all you own in only one shake
Love is like your time of the month
Cramp and bleed but at least you cannot get pregnant
Love will make you foam at the mouth
Rip and tear out your hair it will rip your heart out

Love is a many splendored thing and yet rendered oh so stupid
Don’t you bother to explain or complain you know it’s useless
Don’t you bother to resist, it persists its all so fruitless
and useless
and stupid
Love is

Love is like my laptop
The battery always dies ever so quickly
Love is like a bar hop
I always think “one more drink” but I just can’t stop
Love is like Communism
Oh sure it works, but only in theory
Love, like Catholicism
All I feel is guilt

-Chorus-

Love is like castration
It makes me feel a great deal like I’m less of a man
Love like penetration
It always hurts at first

-Chorus-

Let's Settle For Each Other

Written By: Kevin Hardy

I had a wife and kids back in 1983
Until they all found out my fetish then they just gave up on me
By fetish I mean preference and by preference I mean curse
This curse is the worst but yes I’m sure I’m not the first

I’ve been going to this bar since 1987
That’s 20 years and way more men than I care to imagine
But now somehow the crowd is young enough to be my child
And yes they’re hot but see I’m not, the years have made me mild

But you on your bar stool I can see you feel the way I do
On my bar stool I approach you I implore you…

We have nothing in common except we got nobody
We’re both too old for boys in bars and clubs and drugs and parties
I’ have nothing left to loose I have nothing left to cover
Let’s both go home together and settle for each other… come on

I’ve stayed out of that bar since 1998
To save time I sign online and find myself a date
But now somehow when I send out my picture it is harder
To tell the lie that in real life I’m much younger and hotter

And you in your chat room I can see you feel the way I do
In my chat room I e-mail you and I tell you…

-Chorus-

I’ve got a kitten in my van I got some candy in my pocket
I’m a lonely horny man, you know that you can stop it
Sometimes I wish my wife and kids were still back home with me
At least back then I could pretend I was vaguely happy

-Chorus-

Six Degrees of Separation

Written By: Kevin Hardy

We met through a friend in 2002
Your reputation preceded you
But you kept at me and you wore me down
Despite my better judgment I kept you around

But it didn’t take me very long before I knew
Every single word I heard about you was true

And I found that 6 degrees of separation has been reduced to two
Every boy I meet, every single one has all been dumped by you
And I am no exception to the rule

Fast forward 6 months and I hear you name
I learn you’ve been busy since we parted ways
But I find some comfort now that I can see
That there are other boys just as dumb as me

I never really realized how little you felt
I never really realized I was one notch on your belt

And I found that 6 degrees of separation has been reduced to two
Every boy I meet, every single one has all been fucked by you
And I am no exception to the rule

Rules are like hearts… they are meant to be broken

Out of sight, out of mind worked for me thus far
That is of course ‘till you walked into the bar
And you said, “I miss you, please call me sometime.”
Just then I knew that I had to draw the line

Fool me once then shame on you You won’t fool me again
Your mouth is a piece of candy but I don’t know where it’s been

And I found that 6 degrees of separation has been reduced to two
Every boy I meet, every single one has gotten over you
And I am no exception to the rule

Discography

The HOLLA!caust (2008)
The SlowMo Erotic EP (2006)

Set List

Current Set List (approx. 40 mins.)

Intro
Cunt/Sexy Back (Justin Timberlake Cover)
Let's Settle For Each Other
Urge to Purge/Umbrella (Rihanna Cover)
I Don't Think You Would Buy Me
Love Is/Cold Hearted Snake (Paula Abdul Cover)
Ugly Just The Same
Fur Elise (Beethoven Cover)
Be Here When I Get Back/Gansta's Paradise (Coolio Cover)
Fuck All Y'all/What's Up (4 Non-Blondes Cover)
Draw the Line/I Kissed a Girl (Katy Perry Cover)
Cunt (Outro)