Snazzo

Snazzo

BandComedySinger/Songwriter

I write parodies of all sorts, and I've been told they're very funny and super snazzy.

Biography

I have been most influenced by the legendary Weird Al and Doctor Demento.

Lyrics

The Buy the Beast Song

Written By: Snazzo

THE BUY THE BEAST SONG:

We’re not safe until he’s sold!
We keep stocking him at night!
Trying to satisfy our Guests’ monstrous spending appetite!
They’d wreck havoc on our store if we were to give them free!
So it’s time to make some money, boys, it’s time to sell the Beast!

We’ve got socks, we’ve got shirts, we’ve got panties and some skirts,
We’ve got a pencil with the Beast stuck on the side!
We’ve got purses, we’ve got bags, we’ve got towels and dishrags!
We’ve got a snowglobe with the Beast right inside!

It’s the Beast! A hairy Ken, a very cute one,
And a sippy cup you can shake as you feast,
Nice shampoo, soapy foam, picture frames for your home!
And a statue carved in stone! … of the Beast!

ENTER GUESTS:

Count your cash, check your lists, “My nephew needs a sticker book.”
We’re counting on our kids to lead the way!
Buying sheets, buying toys, for our little girls and boys,
Buying more and more and more every day!

There’s a Beast, soft and cute, on Plush Mountain!
We won’t rest ‘til we’ve bought every piece!
Grab barrettes, grab the bows, grab the mirror and the rose,
To the cash wrap here we go!
Let’s buy the Beast!!

We don’t like what you don’t have in stock because we want it
“Can’t you call another store, would you please?”
Transfer forks, transfer knives, and that apron for my wife,
“It’s important that I buy! I buy the Beast!”

Push ahead! Stand aside! We go marching into line!
We don’t care if your price has just increased!
We’ve got checks and credit cards, we’ve been working very hard
And we’ve traveled long and far! … to buy the Beast!!

Python on TV!

Written By: Snazzo (aka Tim Schmidgall)

(Well, What’s on the television then?
Looks like a penguin.
No, no, no, I didn’t mean what’s on the television set, I meant what programme!
Oh…)

Penguins on TV! Penguins on TV! Penguins on TV! Molting penguins on TV!
(Oh, intercourse the penguin!)

I love to watch Monty Python, I watch it on TV!
So lets all go watch Python! Turn on the BBC!

Now here’s a little quiz show, what do penguins eat in the sea?
Horses? Armchairs? Lasagna? Moussaka? Cannelloni?

Now it’s time for “World Forum,” making Television History,
With Marx, Lenin and Mao Tse-tun, who answers “Sing Little Birdie.”

Now the Ideal Loon Exhibition, with all manner of of numbskulls and boobies,
Like the Royal Canadian Mounted Geese, and Priests in Custard from Italy!

Next up its “Archeology Today,” with Sir Robert Eversley!
He’s six foot five tall, and with Danielle and Mustapha he’s nineteen foot three!

And now here come some chemist’s, one’s nice, one’s a bit naughty.
And the words not to be used again; like Bum, Pox and Semprini!

Now the Vocational Guidance Counselor sketch, with Accountant Mister Anchovy!
He wants to be a lion tamer, but it’s an ant eater that he sees!

Now it’s Minister Teabag, interviewing one Mister Pudey,
Who’s trying to get a grant for a walk that’s only slightly silly.

Here comes T. F. Gumby, and he needs some brain surgery,
So get a Gumby Brain Specialist, to perform a quick lobotomy!

Now “The Golden Age of Ballooning,” with the Montgolfiers in gay Paris!
They have a little trouble bathing, and a lot of trouble with King Louis!

Now here’s the young S. Frog, who works at his dad’s agency.
He changed Conquistador Instant Coffee, to Conquistador Instant Leprosy!

Good Evening, now “The Money Programme,” where we’ll look at money.
Florins, Liras, Roubles, Francs, Deutschmarks, Dollars and Guineas!

Now it’s time for “Mollusks,” an exciting documentary,
The rapist scallop, the gay boy whelk, and the limpet who’s always randy!

Now “It’s the Arts,” with interviewers Michael and Timmy,
They interview Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson, and Sir Edward who hates “Eddie-Baby.”

Now we present the Insurance Sketch, introduced by a group of Gumbys!
Mister Devious is the agent; the Reverend Morrison gets a nude lady!

Now it’s Lemming of the BDA! With the evil Big Cheese and Flopsy!
And the naughty dentists Arthur, Van der Berg, Nigel, and Bronski!

Now here come Praline and Parrot, to the Whizzo Chocolate Company,
To complain about Anthrax Ripple, Ram’s Bladder Cup, and the Frog that’s Crunchy!

Yes, and now for “Interesting People,” right here live on your TV!
Ken Dove who always shouts, and Mister Tiddles the flying kitty!

Now we proudly present, Full Frontal Nudity!
With Dino, Luigi, and the Colonel, and a bit about Hell’s Grannies!

And here we see some sailors, in a small boat on day thirty-three,
They’re going to eat each other, but they don’t want a leg that’s gammy!

(We interrupt this song to irritate you and be generally annoying.)

If they’re not on PBS, and they’re not on A and E,
If they’re not on the Comedy Network, they’re on video and DVD!

Python on TV! Python on TV! Python on TV! Monty Python on TV!

Prejudice is on TV!
(Dirty fat Belgian Bastards!)
Ethel the Frog is on TV!
(Dinsdale!)
Spam is on TV!
(I’ll have your spam, I love it!)
Wainscoting is on TV!
(We’ve been mentioned on telly!)
The Spanish Inquisition is on TV!
(Fetch the Comfy Chair!)
Bruces are on TV!
(No pooftahs!)
Mrs. Equator is on TV!
(Oh! I wet ‘em!)
The Dirty Vicar is on TV!
(I like ti-)
Confuse-a-Cat is on TV!
McTeagle is on TV!
The Bishop is on TV!
Lumberjacks are on TV!
Upperclass Twits are on TV!
A Five Frog Curse is on TV!
Famous Deaths are on TV!
An ex-parrot is on TV!
Ken Clean-Air Systems, Atilla the Bun, Village Idiots,
The Gits, The House Hunters, Naught Bits,
Raymond Luxury Yacht, the Killer Cars, Blackmail,
Scott of the Sahara, Crelm Toothpaste, Eric the Halibut,
Whicker Island, a Three Stage Tchaikowsky, Lemon Curry,
Lake Pahoe, The Argument Clinic, Thripshaw’s Disease,
No Time Toulouse, Wife Swapping, North Malden,
The Men’s Hide and Seek, Crackpot Religions, How Not To Be Seen,
The Church Police, Pantomime Horses, Summarizing Proust,
Storage Jars, Throatwarbler Mangrove, Wrong Way Norris,
It’s the Mind, The Larch, The Mouse Problem,
Mister Badger, Mortuary Hour, an Unexploded Scotsman,
Rogue Cheddar, the Queen Victoria Handicap,
The Turkish Little Rude Plant, the Mouse Organ,
Camel Spotting, the Most Awful Family in Britain,
Salad Days, A Man With Three Buttocks,
Mister Pither, Michael Ellis, Ken Buddah,
Teddy Salad, Cardinal Richelieu, Ken Shabby
Mister Neutron, Dennis Moore, Senor Biggles -

<Shortly before song ends, the M

Love Them Them Poems

Written By: Snazzo

How ‘bout them Them Poem? Ain’t they great?
Sing ‘em all night and sing ‘em all day!

Them Mason Williams Them Poems, ain’t they fun?
Sing a whole bunch or sing just one.

Them gosh darn Them poems ‘bout kicking dogs,
‘bout goosing moose, liking livers from hogs!

Yelling out yodels, doing some ewes,
Gummin’ some tummies, dashing a doodle or two!

Wanna sing them Them Poems? Really nothin’ to it.
Buy the CD then sing along with it!

Names Will Never Hurt Me

Written By: Snazzo

Call me a joker, call me a fool,
Say I’m an idiot, say I’m uncool!
Call me a doofus, a dweeb or a dork,
Say that I’m crazy, that I’ve popped my cork!
Call me a moron or call me a freak,
Say I’m a nerd, a twerp or a geek! It doesn’t matter to me!

Darlin’ I know sticks and stones may break my bones!
But names will never hurt me!
I don’t care what you say, I never did believe you anyway,
Its all just words to me!

Call me a loony, call me a nut,
Say that I’m fat, porky, chunky, that I have a big butt!
Call me nasty, obnoxious, smelly and rude!
Say I’m disgusting, disturbing, and crude!
Call me evil, vicious, awful and mean!
Say I’m gay, perverted, or say I’m a queen! It doesn’t matter to me!

For always sticks and stones may break my bones!
But names will never hurt me!
They’re just words from a big jerk, if you’re trying to anger me, it won’t work!
Your opinion is just not worth a damn!

Say I’m pie-slinger, a horse-thief, a crook!
A boogerbrain, penis-breath, slacker, a schnook!
Tell ‘em my father’s a broken latrine!
Say my mother’s a junky, my aunt is a fiend!
Call me a rat-catching, nose-picking pig!
I’ll tell you I don’t give a fart or a fig! It’s just words, it don’t mean a thing!

Sticks and stones may break my bones!
But names will never hurt me!
Insults are only words, they annoy but they can never hurt!
‘Cause deep down I know I can kick your ass!

AND NOW THE NAWTY VERSION:

Call me a joker, call me a fool,
Say I’m an idiot, say I’m uncool!
Call me an asshole, a fuckface, a fag!
Say I’m a liberal, my momma’s a hag!
Call me a cocksucker, call me a queer!
Say I like to lick the balls of a steer! It doesn’t matter to me!

Darlin’ I know sticks and stones may break my bones!
But names will never hurt me!
I don’t care what you say, you’re a numb nuts loser anyway! It’s all just words to me!

Call me a goat-raping cannibal whore,
Say I’m the bastard child of Mike Moore!
Call me a racist, shit-eating kike!
Say I’m a Nazi, my sister’s a dyke!
Call me a pedophile, transsexual dick!
Say I’m a cunt, or say I’m a prick! It doesn’t matter to me!

For always sticks and stones may break my bones!
But names will never hurt me!
They’re just words from a big jerk, if you’re trying to anger me, it won’t work!
Your opinion is just not worth a damn!

Say I molest babies I’ve found in the trash,
Tell everyone I use crack, cocaine, booze, meth and hash!
Say women pay me to shove things up their butt,
Saw twinks pay me to kick them in their nuts!
Call me a rat-eating, murdering pig!
I’ll tell you I don’t give a damn or a fig! It’s just words, it don’t mean a thing!

Sticks and stones may break my bones!
But names will never hurt me!
Insults are only words, they annoy but they can never hurt!
Then I’ll blow out your brains and feed them to my dog!