The Kegels

The Kegels

BandRockPunk

Mommies with dangerous attitudes about parenting, breasts and domestic life explode via loud guitars. Yeah, so we're middle-aged and not hot, but parents out there get it. Our sweet harmonies and outrageous lyrics speak to them... and it's about time, thank you very much.

Biography

Cancer.

It has a way of putting one’s life into perspective. When my husband Dean was diagnosed with brain cancer in September of 2003, our lives, predictably, turned upside down. After his successful surgery and recovery, both of us took stock of our lives. We had two beautiful young children, a wonderfully supportive network of friends and family, and a mandate to enjoy our time together. So, we started making plans.

First up was a trip to Europe with the kids. Remarkably, we spent three weeks hauling the four of us, our luggage, two car seats (which Dean coined “the anchors”), and a double stroller on seven flights to four different countries. What an adventure. Exhausting, but amazing and once in a lifetime. Luckily, like childbirth, you forget the painful bits.

When we returned in June of 2004, I got busy on our next couple of projects. 1) start a mommy rock band and 2) plan a big one-year cancer-free party for Dean. My idea for the band had been hatched earlier in the year, when I had got ahold of my brother-in-laws strat and got the fever. I had the name, The Kegels, which came in an inspired moment like a bolt of lightning. The basic idea: Mom’s need to rock, they need to scream, they need a couple of beers once a week and they need to get out of the friggin’ house! Lucky for me, I asked fellow-preschool mom, Jen Trujillo if she wanted to “be in my mommy punk band” and she gave an enthusiastic “yes!” in reply. Turns out she actually had some musical background! I, on the other hand, had nothing but, as Bono once said, “a red guitar, three chords and the truth”. Lucky again, the truth of our lives is pretty funny... and it rhymes!

We started rehearsing, and I started planning the party, and pretty soon it was decided we should make our debut at the big event. Dean’s brother’s band, Rock Paper Scissors were reuniting specifically for the party, and we’d be their opening act. Well! We’d better figure out what we were doing! We recruited Jen’s friend Beth to play drums and then we started playing, and writing songs, and playing and writing more songs. We were having a blast, but we didn’t know if we were any good or not, since we were such newbies. The party came, and the overwhelming response was “You don’t suck!” which we took as “You’re terrific!” We were hooked.

Trying to get gigs without a demo proved impossible, so we recorded a 4 song disc in December 2004. In January we started getting gigs, and have been playing out ever since, culminating with our biggies thus far: The Bite of Seattle and the Ballard Seafood Fest, and most recently, the Rockrgrl Conference. In October 2005 we released our 6 song EP, Totally Effaced, which includes our “hit” Mini-Van Mom, which has gotten airplay on KMTT The Mountain, thanks to a Kindergarten Dad emailing it to DJ Marty Reimer.

It’s been a great ride. But a rollercoaster. Dean’s cancer has returned and he underwent another surgery in August of 2005. He’s fighting hard and we’re hoping he’ll keep winning these battles. In the mean time, The Kegels make us all laugh. The band gives us, as a family, and as a community of friends and relations, something bright to hold on to and crack up about. Dean’s contributions to the band are countless and he’s the invisible 4th Kegel. Without him, simply, the band would not be.

So, here’s to seizing the day and putting aside your fear. My advice to you? Whatever it is you’ve always wanted to do…..start today. You won’t regret it.

Be well,
Penny Webb

Lyrics

Mini-Van Mom

Written By: Penny Webb

When my son started preschool
All the moms were just like me
Only one kid
And a Subaru Legacy
But something strange happened
When along comes kid number two
I was initiated into a whole new crew

I’m a Mini-Van Mom
I'm a Mini-Van Mom
I’m in the car all day long
And when I’m home I’m on the phone
I’m a Mini-Van Mom
Mini-Van Mom

Well, we swoop into preschool
All in a line
Drop off the kiddalees
In the knick of time
Then scatter in all directions like the Blue Angels do
Reconvene later at 12:32

We’re Mini-Van Moms
We’re Mini-Van Moms
We’re on the road all day long
We’re at the drive-thru espresso stand
On the way to soccer, playdates, baseball, practice for the band

Well the van's the right tool
For the job that I have
It holds all the gear for my kids and my man
It’s like a house on wheels with everything that we need
Except for a pot to piss in
Uh OH! Who peed?

I’m a Mini-Van Mom
I’m a Mini-Van Mom
I’m driving hard all day long
Hey look the drive-thru lane at KFC
Thank god the coronel’s got popcorn chicken for me

Well my husband dubbed her
"The Emasculation Van"
With a drawer for his testicles
And a holder for his can
But he takes the wheel dutifully
When I’m off duty to
The Museum of Flight, science center, golf range or the zoo

He’s a Mini-Van Dad
He's a Mini-Van Dad
He’s looking sharp (and HOT!) and oh so rad
But when he’s done, he’s on the run
Back to the Subaru, thank you very much

We're Mini-Van Moms
We're Mini-Van Moms
We're in the car all day long
And when we're home, we're on the phone
We're Mini-Van Moms
Mini-Van Moms

SUX2B3

Written By: Jen Trujillo

Whoever tagged it the terrible twos
must’ve been some kind of big, fat loser.
Had they waited just one more year,
It’s 30 times harder with a buttload more tears

You see, my boy, Max, he’s a real tough guy.
He never waits around for someone to tell him why
he can’t have this, can’t do that; get out of his way.
Life is just about finding more ways to play

Most days I want to punch his throat
or drop kick him through my glass door.
But, I’ll never do it, I just dream
then drink or smoke until I care no more

Why can’t the world just revolve around me?
I’m just trying to figure out who to be.
Mama, Papa, Myles, won’t you all look at me?
Don’t you know how much it really sucks to be three?

So many things he wants to do himself
like pick out his own socks, or help me clean the filth
But then he’s lazy, asking for hurt
not pulling up his pants after he takes a squirt

He says, “I want whatever I want to!”
“I need somebody to play with me in my room!”
“Mama, stop your chores listen to me!”
“Don’t you know that everything is all about ME?!?!?”

But, he’s got this cute little face.
He really loves his mama, I know.
He makes me laugh with the things he says.
He’ll always be my Po-Po-Lo

Why can’t the world just revolve around me?
I’m just trying to figure out who to be.
Mama, Papa, Myles, won’t you all look at me?
Don’t you know how much it really sucks to be three?

Kegel Beat

Written By: Jen & Penny

Hey, you, there! Get outta your seat!
Everybody, up up up on your feet!
Shake your ass and feel the heat,
Time to get ready for the Kegel Beat

Cause if you’re leakin’ when you’re sneezin’ Kegel Beat is what you’re needin’

Pinch it, slap it, scribble around
Get in tune with the Kegel sound
Remember to strain, that’s the name of the game
When you get on board that Kegel train

You say KAY-gul, I say KEE-gul
Either way, it’s totally legal
Pull it up, squeeze it tight
Can’t you feel this Kegel Beat is outta sight?

Do ‘em in the store when you’re waitin’ in line
Do ‘em in the car, do ‘em everytime
You got a few minutes, just washing a pot
Do ‘em for the Daddy, show him what you’ve got

Don’t you know you can do them in a box?
Don’t you know you can do them with a fox?
You can do them here and there
Can’t you see, you can do them anywhere?

Discography

"Totally Effaced" on Postpartum Expression Records. Track One, "Mini-Van Mom" has been played multiple times on The Mountain, 103.7 FM Seattle.

Set List

Kegel Beat
SUX2B3
More Nu-Nu
New Creed
All My Fault
Be the Ball
Dishwasher
Baby Jail
Mini-van Mom
Too Big
Pre-Busch
Three Pounds Nine
Sufferin for Suffrage