Zoid Asteroid Machine

Zoid Asteroid Machine


Boyd Williamson is a guitarist, singer, songwriter, multi-media artist, and humorist. As Zoid Asteroid Machine, he has performed live in various regionally popular bands, and as a solo for over 30 years. He produces his recordings in his home studio.


Claiming to be a 500-year-old marooned alien from the planet "Vulva," Zoid has been performing all across the Midwest for over 30 years. He has been the lead guitarist and arranger for Yancy Derringer, THE...VERS, theXpairOmentals, Connor $ Zoid, the Crash Test Tickles, and as a solo. While he is not currently performing live, taking an extended leave for family reasons, he plans to be back in a big way sometime in the foreseeable future.



Written By: Boyd Williamson

When I was ten, my imaginary friend kept me from going mad
As I look back I realize, it was the best friend I ever had
Well my imaginary friend looks different now, and she’s not the only one
I never have to worry about making first base, and my bat always hits a home run

Well you know I love the ladies, but they all come with problems and price
And I might mention my fear of rejection always kept me from breaking the ice
But that ever ain’t gonna stop me from having any woman I see
All I gotta do is just think the thing through and have fun with my fantasy

Solosexual - It just feels good
It’s so sensual - To polish your wood
It’s so sensible - Just havin’ a wank
Solosexual - Just’a walkin’ your plank

Last night I slept with six supermodels, telling me that I was the best
It was Rosie Palm and her five slim sisters, all smiling and completely undressed
Two were licking my earlobes, and two were sucking my toes
One was kissing my bare chest, and Rosie was straightening my hose!

They don’t care if I last all night, or if I just want a quickie at noon
They never have to feign their pleasure, or ever tell me that I came too soon
I never have to meet their mother, or ask ‘em if they’ve got an I.D.
I’m the World’s Greatest Lover, I never use a rubber, and it’s never gonna give me VD!

Solosexual - Just get a little funky
It’s so sensual - Spankin’ your monkey
It’s so sensible - Loving girls
Solosexual - Pumpin’ pearls

Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump

It’s a fact that everybody does it, if they’re lonely and so inclined
The preacher says that it’s a terrible sin, and if you keep it up, you’re gonna go blind!
“It’s written in the Book of Deuteronomy, and maybe in the Book of Saint John
It’s written right here, can’t you just wait a minute while I go put my glasses on...”

So pluck that magic twanger, boys, nobody’s gonna know but you
Until you find that love of your life that’s really gonna care about you
Now the ladies aren’t gonna tell you this, but I swear to goodness it’s true
They’ve got urges just like us, and they all do it, too...

Solosexual - Whipping the cream
It’s so sensual - Just shining your ring
It’s so sensible - Playing the slots
Solosexual - Menage å moi

Solosexual - Just checking the mail
It’s so sensual - Reading Braille
It’s so sensible - Filling your niche
Solosexual - Turning on your light switch

Checking the oil - Applying lip gloss
Stirring the soup while tuna salad gets tossed

Erasing the problem - Petting the moss
Harpooning the tang while your kitty gets flossed

I’m searching my mind and I remember one time when I was with this lady, for real
I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me, but we got together on this deal:
“I’ll watch you, and you can watch me, and we’ll just fan each other’s flame”
I didn’t touch her, and she didn’t touch me, but we made love all the same!

Solosexual - Hitchhiking south
It’s so sensual - Double-clicking your mouse
It’s so sensible - Playing my fiddle
Solosexual - Just a twiddle in the middle

Solosexual - It just feels good
It’s so sensual - To polish your wood
Solosexual - Just havin’ a wank
It’s so sensual - Just’a walkin’ your plank

Solosexual - Just get a little funky
It’s so sensual - Spankin’ your monkey
It’s so sensible - Loving girls
Solosexual - I’m pumpin’ pearls!


- LP: Yancy Derringer "Openers" (Hemisphere 1975) reissued on CD and vinyl (Gear Fab/Comet 1999)

- Various promotional LPs: THE...VERS (1978-1982)

- WMAD-FM "Homegrown Album" (1978) "New York's In Heat"

- WMAD-FM "Homegrown Album 2" (1980) "More Rock and Roll"

- Prarie Sun Album (1980) "(I Can't Get No) Medication"

- KFMD-FM D93 "Basement Tapes" (1980) "Not Tonight," "Never Gonna Be That Old"

- KFMD-FM D93 "Basement Tapes II" (1981) "Baby It's Your Face," "(I Can't Get No) Medication"

- 45 single: THE...VERS "Five Year Love"/"Without You" (Ignorus 1981)

- CD: THE...VERS "Zoid's Collection" (custom-made 2002-present)

- CD: THE...VERS "Live at the Great Illinois Purchase 12.28.79" (custom-made 2004-present)

- CD: THE...VERS/theXpairOmentals "Trax Spamming Thirty Ears" (custom-made, 2005-present)

- Movie Soundtrack: "Tours of Doody" with Bruce Bolden, Dave Boyd, and Dave Owen. Short, punked-out versions of various classic American patriotic tunes plus Beethoven's "Ode To Joy," posted at

- CD: The Yard Dogs "Matlacha Moon" album (2009), guest instrumentalist on "Blazing Sun"

Set List

Not currently performing live.